Movie Recommendation

Saw Murderball earlier today. Outstanding. Fantastic. Worth the price of admission.

Let's Name the New Planet!

Since it is now official that our solar system has 10 planets, it's going to need a name. (2003 UB313 isn't all that interesting.) The scientists have proposed one, but in case the IAU decides that their name blows, let's offer them a few suggestions. I'll start:

• Planet X
• Vulcan (see also)
• Niflheim
• A big floating rock that will never cure cancer.

No One Cares

Finally. Advice that makes sense.

Passing Judgment

Atrios opines:

"Judge Roberts, What is Your Favorite Flavor of Ice Cream?" From what I can tell, that's the only question left which the Republicans think is appropriate for Democrats to ask in his confirmation hearing. It's apparently unfair or obstructionist or illegal or something to know anything relevant about a guy who's about to be appointed to a lifetime position on the Supreme Court.

That's certainly a fair representation of the GOP's attitude toward the confirmation hearings, at least if their public comments on the issue are to be taken at face value. However, this is by no means surprising. The great watchword of conservative jurisprudence is "strict". The intent of the founding fathers, the verbiage and rhetoric of the constitution, and the "letter of the law" (from notions of "zero-tolerance" to mandatory sentencing provisions) are to be adhered to strictly. While the current arguments swirling around the judiciary are seemingly characterized by a petulant defensiveness among conservative legislators ("we and we alone will determine what is and what is not legal!"), there is a long history of right-wing disdain for relativism in all its manifestations. Good is good, bad is bad, and the best judges (and Presidents) do little more than enforce the permanency of this dialectic.

But what about humanity? What about the subjectivity that makes mercy and compassion possible? The freedom of conscience so highly (and rightly) prized by Western democracies depends upon the ability to bend rules, carve out exceptions, make allowances, and generally draw distinctions in a progressive and relativistic manner. This is why ideology, whether fascistic or fundamentalist, is so widely acknowledged as antithetical to freedom; the ideologue is a dependable robot. Let there be no doubt: conservatives want dependability. I would hazard to guess that Robert's oft-referenced "lack of a paper trail" is less a consequence of his relative youth than of his native enmity for judicial partisanship; and the nomination of a judge without any opinions is a coup de grâce for such a President as ours.

Cass Sunstein wrote in an American Prospect article earlier this month:

In the law, predictability is usually important. People need to know the rules, and they cannot plan their lives unless they know the law in advance. We expect predictability from our trial court judges, who are meant to follow the law far more than to make it. And of course we want to be able to predict that Supreme Court justices will not ignore the Constitution, or refuse to protect free speech, or permit racial segregation. But in the hard cases that come to the Supreme Court, complete predictability is terrible, because it compromises judicial independence.

That's putting it mildly. Imagine what would happen if those who interpret the law operate with the same degree of (ever increasing) predictability as those who enforce the law. We're currently one of the most heavily surveilled populations on the planet. New technologies (digitized and interlocking databases, facial recognition software, DNA fingerprinting, etc.) are destined to radically alter the legal landscape of our society. Fewer infractions will go unnoticed, and those that are cited will be subject to ever more stringent punishments. Eroding protections based on "privacy" (a stated goal of conservative activists) will only speed up this process; lessening the capacity of those accused of wrongdoing to mount a vigorous defense (historically, in their rush to appear before their infantilized constituents as warrior-protectors, politicians have used being "tough on crime" as an excuse to weaken the defense; in their heated desire to act out their moral superiority over virtually all other forms of humanity, voters have demanded no less). Given these realities, to insist that courts be free from "partisan activities" is as naïve as it is detrimental.

Some Random Things I Dig

• This political cartoon of optical illusions (thanks, Elizabeth)


• The work of Chicago-based silkscreen artists The Bird Machine (I recently purchased a cheap silkscreen kit to make a t-shirt for my girlfriend. I look forward to having time to play with it more.)


• This Onion article, with the sort of acerbic wit that's been missing from its pages lately:

  "So he tried pot—a lot of young kids these days do things they later regret," said Ellen, 51. "Everybody has regrets about decisions they made when they were young."

  When you read the article, you'll see why the part I boldfaced made me laugh outloud on the train this morning.


• Dashboard. I upgraded to Tiger last week, and already Dashboard has become an integral part of my routine thanks to iCal Events and DoBeDo. (And with Bluetooth syncing with my Motorola v551, I might actually get organized this year.)

Spam Offers I Simply Don't Need

These three subject lines jumped out of my Junk folder as three things I absolutely, positively don't need:

• Christian? Single? We have the solution
• Effective treatment for varicose veins
• if you are sick of your job, be a cop, it's fun
• UPDATE: Arlo , attn: Elvis, Lucy, Kinkade, and Boop Fans (From "BeanyBabyUSA")
• AND ANOTHER: Attention Golfers: You could get a free set of Big Bertha Fusion Irons!

Art is just as good as crime

Habitual criminal turned actor/writer--Rerservoir Dogs' Mr. Blue goes to the big halfway house in the sky...


Moment of silence for Edward Bunker.

Photograph of the Day

Source. Thanks, Fock.

Whatever: The 90s Box Set

This* is the reason I read Pitchfork—biting, unabashed pretention:

Disc 6 track 11: Jewel, "Who Will Save Your Soul"
Disc 6 track 12: Primitive Radio Gods, "Can You Believe Our Label was Willing to Promote a Song with a Long Stupid Title about a Phone Booth?"

The only thread that really works, in fact, is the carefully selected line of Genuine Chart Hits that Suburban White People Liked then Forgot About. Rhino just happens to assume that somewhere around 1993 you bought a bunch of flannel shirts or striped tights and threw away whichever of your middle-school mix tapes contained "Walking in Memphis" and "Silent Lucidity," and after that you thought you were much too cool to buy anything by Des'ree or Deep Blue Something-- and then somehow, by decade's end, you were back to being cool with Shawn Mullins. See? Rhino doesn't know you at all. But you're special to me, and at least if they'd been a little more consistent about the pop streak, we could be listening to Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn" right now.

Over the weekend, I found "Unbelievable" and "Mexican Radio" on my iPod mislabeled as INXS and Devo, respectively.

*I also read Pitchfork to learn about totally kick-ass bands like Bloc Party, so far my favorite album this year.

Naughty Rock Star

Well, it official--the "hot coffee" option was a pre-existing (albiet hidden) part of Grand Theft Auto-San Andreas. The only mod that the modders did was to unlock the option. Read all about it here.

I wish I had a little disposable income--I'd like to get the damn thing with the AO rating. By the time I can afford it, I'm sure I'll only be able to find the M-rated version. Nertz.

Maybe I WILL get to be a superhero someday

Ok, I belong to one of them Yahoo groups (well, actually, I belong to an embarrasing number of Yahoo groups, but a vast majority of them are for the posting, exchange, and enjoyment of pornographic photos. I'm especially fond of one called GooeyGlasses. But I digress) called The Borg Collective (stop that laughing over there). As you might imagine, the fine folks of Borg-land are quite taken with all kinds of cybernetics fun. Today, there was a post about a Berkeley university project to build a below-the-waist exoskeleton. You can read the info yourself, but basically, this thing enhances strength and endurance (of the legs--THE LEGS--I'm talking to you, Fock--I don't want any "below the waist strength and endurance tee hee" crap from you).

This is great--if they can just get to gettin' on the arms, maybe some sort of jet belt for flight, I'll be either fighting crime or commiting crime like nobody's business. Then, if they can come up with a gadget for x-ray vision, I won't have to belong to all of those Yahoo porn clubs.

Its a word its a plan its Letterman!

My Complaints About Apple

Okay, fine. Apple isn't perfect. Inspired by this article (via Slashdot) about what Apple should borrow from Windows, I would like to offer this list of things that have annoyed me about Apple. I'm not bothered by the OS being locked to Apple hardware (keeps the OS rock solid). I'm not bothered by iTunes Music Store DRM (it's better than most, and if you don't like it, buy the CD). However, I'm not without complaints.

• My Powerbook has been in the shop three times this years. Maybe I just got a bad machine, but it has been annoying. Granted, it has proven to me the value of the Genius Bar and Applecare, and I've been told twice that, if there is a fourth visit, I will get a new computer. My question, however, is why I've had two logic board replacements now? What's the problem?
• .Mac is a big freaking waste of money for powerusers. $99 a year for an email address and a miniscule amount of web space (a fourth of Gmail's free storage space)? It's silly. Syncing between machines and a backup utility should be built-in features of OS X, not a special pay service. And now they're limiting bandwidth? .Mac is a great idea for some people, but for powerusers who would still like to easily upload movies and photos, give us a break and let us use our own WebDAV servers. My webspace is a third of the yearly price of .Mac, and I still have to jump through hoops to make a decent photo gallery out of iPhoto. C'mon, Apple, either give us $99 worth of features or include access to a free ".Mac express" with OS X. (And it seems strange that Apple hasn't added a blog feature to .Mac yet, despite adding blog features to OS X Server, promoting podcasting, and RSS.)
• iDisk-like syncing with WebDAV servers. This is related to the above .Mac complaint, but it's significant enough to warrant a separate bullet point. iDisk can sync automatically between your locally stored version and the online version. I'd like to do that with any WebDAV storage. Or Hell, any network storage.
• No Apple-designed multibutton mouse. I completely understand why Apple has a one-button mouse, and I agree with it. What I'm saying is that Apple should build an optional multi-button mouse, perhaps with an iPod-like scroll wheel, considering Apple supports multi-button mice and actually has some features in some applications that require a multi-button mouse.
• More functionality in open/save dialogs. The linked article above makes two points I agree with: "Only show relevant file types in open and save dialogs" and "Sort folders to top of directory listings." I wish OS X would at least give me the option to set these options as the default. I'd also like to see more Finder features in save/open dialogs. I like how I can rename a file when I'm saving another file in Windows.
• I can't download iTMS songs again. When my apartment was burglarized, they stole the hard drive on which I kept my music. Some of that music was purchased from iTunes either with gift certificates or as impulse buys. Now that music is gone, and despite keeping a record of who I am and which computers are authorized to play the songs, iTunes won't let me download the songs again. It's silly.
• OS X needs lots of RAM, and Apple skimps on RAM and overcharges for it. OS X chokes on anything less than 512MB, and still, the Mac mini, the iBook, and the eMac still come standard with only 256MB. They're starting to raise the bar to 512MB in the other machines, but while I understand there's a premium on Apple hardware, there shouldn't be on the RAM, especially when Dell sells an $800 machine with a full 1GB.
• No built-in optimization utilities. OS X defragments files on the fly, which is pretty sweet. However, there are all sorts of things a user can do when their machine starts to slow down or behave strangely. UNIX-based OSs deposit their cruft in specific places, unlike Windows which leaves it littered everywhere. All Apple needs is an "Optimize my system" button that deletes caches, prebinds the applications, and various other nerdy crap, instead of making optimization still the domain of geeks like me.

I'm still an OS X adherent, and most of the complaints I continue to hear against it are typically based on old information, xenophobic bias, or just plain FUD. However, I hope this dispels the notion that I drink the Apple Kool-Aid.

Today's London Bombs are Freaky

Only one reported casualty. Officers in chemical suits. Reports of sour smelling smoke, probably due to "the rucksack catching fire; and the explosives themselves catching fire after the detonator failed to explode them. The explosives could actually burn and give a toxic smell." But how did four bombs not go off right? Or is there more to the story? And (bite my tongue, knock on wood) why hasn't this been happening here? Are the neocons and right-wing sycophants correct when they say the Patriot Act and Gitmo and all that other human-rights-violating behavior is working? Would we even need the Patriot Act if we weren't so imperialistic? All of this has me so confused; please, someone post in the comments something that makes some damn sense. Thank you.

Gerry Thomas 1922–2005

Another important influence on the diet of lonely nerds passed away today, and this time I don't mean their cultural diet, I mean their actual diet. I must confess, however, that I haven't had lunch yet today, and turkey with corn bread dressing and gravy, sweet potatoes and buttered peas sounds pretty good right now. It should also be noted that one of the most notorious posts on this blog was indirectly the result of this man's invention.

Moment of silence* Gerry Thomas.





























*At least, it would be silent were it not for your stomach churning in revolt.

James Doohan 1920–2005

To wherever you have beamed, may the dilithium cystals be plentiful and may the soft-focused green woman have large breasts.

Moment of silence for James Doohan.





























(Thanks, Lubow.)

Evaluating Roberts

Since I blasted Daily Kos the last time I linked to them, it's only fair that I post something I agree with (though it wasn't their opinion in the first place, but whatever):

They should repeatedly confront nominees with the opinions of Thomas and Scalia, and ask them to state, clearly and without equivocation, whether they agree or disagree. This approach would focus public attention on the main issue: the sweeping revolution promised by a Thomas-Scalia ascendancy...

My daddy drives a ufo

As you all know, X-Day was July 5th. What you may have missed is that this time, it ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Yes, the Xists ascended from the clouds, all dues-paying SubGenii were ruptured up into the Pleasure Saucers of the Sex Goddesses, the Conspiracy fell, and all of the Pinks, Glorps, Po'buckers, and bobbies are now experiencing an undying hell on earth! Praise "Bob's" sweet name, and Fuck his wife, Connie, I am writing this from my cabin in my very own Pleasure Saucer, hurtling at a trillion miles an hour toward my own pocket universe, which I will create in my own image.

Well, maybe not, but here's a great report with photos and stuff of the official Church 8X-Day Drill:

http://subgenius.com/bigfist/fun/devivals/8XDay/Post-8X-Text/index.html

I've got to make it out to Brushwood one of these days.

In other SubG news, preacher Pappa Joe Mamma went undercover into the tract empire of Jack T. Chick, and has produced a definitive guide, with reviews of ALL the tracts, art comparisons, history, rumours, interviews, you name it:

http://www.monsterwax.com/bookbuy.html

Must...have...book. Honestly, this belongs on the shelf of every discerning weirdo, mocker, and true art lover, right next to that old issue of The Imp covering the same subject in less detail. COMPLETISTS RULE!

or kill me.

John Ostrom 1928–2005

You do know that dinosaurs were more like giant birds than lizards, right? I mean, we all saw Jurassic Park. The idea was proposed in the 1860s, but much as it took Galileo to offer observational proof of Copernicus, it took another scientist, John Ostrom, to find the connection: Archaeopteryx.

Moment of silence for renowned paleontologist John Ostrom.





























(Thanks, eponymagin.)

If only I believed it could actually happen

http://www.karlroveistoast.com/

Its pretty to think so...

Arousing Moral Degeneracy

Here's an interesting bit of news:

Andrew Calderon, 23, was jailed for six days before a judge ordered his release after officers found a racy poster and calendar and copies of Maxim in his home earlier this year.

In case you were wondering, it's against the law for convicted sex offenders to possess material which may arouse them. It's all about protecting the innocent. Maxim, as a boner-inducing magazine, needs must be seized from the corrupt hands of the wicked lest they become... corrupted. Or wicked. Furthermore, we all have a duty in this regard. Go to the website of your local police department and familiarize yourself with their sex offender database (click here if you live in Chicago). Search it good and hard for a long, long time. That's right. Probe it. If you happen to see any of these people flipping through a Comso in the checkout line at your local grocery store, call the authorities immediately.

No spoilers, I promise.

Me, only younger, female, and more Asian

When I wasn't doing homework, I spent the weekend not at Intonation but reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I finished it last night. Yes, I'm a dork, but anyone who reads this blog regularly already knows that.

Like you really care, here are my two critiques of the book:

Cynical-overeducated-bastard version: Not as strong or as inventive as Order of the Phoenix, still my favorite in the series. A bit repetitive with scattershot storytelling, but peppered with well-written suspense. Another strong depiction of teenage anxiety, which within the context of the mythology, is what makes the series so fascinating. A dark, portentious ending that did not surprise me much but sets up the final book well. All in all, it simply felt like 650 pages of tying up a few lose ends before telling the real story, which we should receive in the final installment.

Harry-Potter-fan version: OMFG! I can't believe the story ended that way! And I always knew ——— was evil, but I had no idea how evil! I totally couldn't believe that he was the Half-Blood Prince! The next book is gonna totally ROCK!

That's just my opinion(s).

(Normally, I don't delete comments, but please—no spoilers.)

Transference Theory of Invalid Love

Artsy Girls Rule

People who are estranged from their own emotions and who therefore choose to disassociate themselves from the actual people in their lives, sadly, often experience and indulge in romantic crushes on celebrities. Although usually an extension of a normal fantasy life, this misplacement of affection can be an indicator of a more serious anti-social disorder. How do I know this? Tonight I saw Me And You And Everyone We Know and, upon leaving the theatre, I discovered that I had developed a seriously deranged romantic fixation with Miranda July. Although I’m an idiot, I’m not totally stupid. The reason for my seemingly inexplicable crush has less to do with Miranda’s obvious talent, brilliant spirit and disarming sexiness, than it does with the fact that I’ve spent the last week in hermetic seclusion. Or at least that’s my theory. In any event, I think she's the bee's knees.

Confirmed Kill For Bush

Shrub poisoned zoo monkeys. There you have it. Bush is not only a footsoldier in the War on Animals, he's also not afraid to employ chemical weapons.

Plug Up The Tube Lady Miss

Hillary Clinton opens her yap about something she ought to have simply ignored:

The disturbing material in 'Grand Theft Auto' and other games like it is stealing the innocence of our children, and it's making the difficult job of being a parent even harder.

Oh shut up. Just stitch it. Tie off your pie hole. Sure, I'd still vote for you if I thought you were just appealing the prudes and prissy tea-tottlers of the world… but it would be sooo much better if you'd simply stuff it. The parents I know are perfectly capable of handling the "innocence" of their children without your slobbering yammer confusing the issue. So do us all a favor: zip it.

Attacks Continue in War on Animals

War correspondent Stiggy McFockle of Dirty Finger Press (writing pseudonymously to protect himself against enemy spies) has submitted a report from South of the Equator on a malicious Marlin attack. While traditional wisdom would suggest that the attack was unprovoked, the "blame-humans-first" crowd is already mounting a series of hard-hitting attacks which claim that the Marlin was, in fact, defending itself against imperialistic and carnivorous attacks instigated by humans. We report. You decide.

In other developments, Noel Huencias, an expert in the complicated field of animal interrogation, has come under fire for his controversial tactics with an enemy Akita Inu:

[Noel] Huecias smiled and seemed relaxed throughout the hearing while his family and friends waited in the audience.

According to police, Huecias pressed himself up against a chain link fence in the 1400 block of South Seventh Street at 9:15 a.m. June 9 and made sexual contact with an Akita.

He was observed coming back to the same house at 12:30 p.m. and jumping the fence. Police officers found him in the yard on his knees with his pants undone trying to get the dog to approach, prosecutors said.

Finally, in another eerily Guantanamo-like development, a farm in Washington has come under scrutiny after a true patriot made the ultimate sacrifice:

King County sheriff's detectives are investigating the owners of an Enumclaw-area farm after a Seattle man died from injuries sustained while having sex with a horse boarded on the property.

Investigators first learned of the farm after the man died at Enumclaw Community Hospital July 2. The county Medical Examiner's Office ruled that the death was accidental and the result of having sex with a horse.

[…] The farm was talked about in Internet chat rooms as a destination for people looking to have sex with livestock, [sheriff's Sgt. John Urquhart] said.

"A significant number of people, we believe, have likely visited this farm," said Urquhart.

As always, the troops are in our prayers.

UPDATE: For all those who were asking the obvious question,

...he died of acute peritonitis due to the perforation of the colon. But because Washington is one of 17 states that does not outlaw bestiality, having sex with a horse is not a crime and his death will not be investigated.

[...] when they searched the farm, police had found hundreds of hours of videotape showing men having sex with horses.

Yee haw!

When Good Men Go Bad

Arlo, God love'm, has been moonlighting. He's been fooling around behind LYRC's back. In keeping with the backstabbing times in which we find ourselves, I'm outing him. Here's his nasty website. For shame, Arlo. For shame. Web designer and model?!

ADDENDUM APROPOS OF NOTHING: Check out cops discussing cop shows.

Important Information concerning the Vampire/Zombie Apocalypse

I first became aware of the important work being done by Dr. Hugo Pecos and the FVZA in an article on filmthreat.com in which he debunks the idea of zombie's learning to use tools and weapons (as seen in the latest Romero outing). I strongly suggest that you make your way to the FVZA website, and learn all you can about the extermination and avoidance of the various species of undead. Also, stock up on chainsaws and sledgehammers.

Antique Quotes - No Longer Operational

The weighty and consequential words of Dick Cheney:

They will offer more lectures, and legalisms, and carefully worded denials. We offer another way, a better way, and a stiff dose of truth.

The weighty and consequential words of George H.W. Bush:

Even though I’m a tranquil guy now at this stage of my life, I have nothing but contempt and anger for those who betray the trust by exposing the name of our sources. They are, in my view, the most insidious of traitors.

I can be such a little shit sometimes.

On Monday, I made a rather snarky post about another blog that was using "Like You Really Care" as a subtitle. The author of that site, Erim (neat name), posted a comment:

Well, I guess there are a few reasons I never did a Google search. For one, it's not really the "name" of my site, just a silly tag line. Secondly, my site's been around since 1997, and I don't think the tag line has much to do with anything. Third, it never occurred to me that somebody would feel so possessive about a common phrase.

But, since I'm a nice guy, and I hate so see somebody with their knickers in a twist, I'll change it for you. How about that?

Well, maybe I'm just a pussy, or maybe that deep sense of guilt that my religious parents instilled in me is kicking in, but I'd like to apologize to Erim. While I appreciate the change, I'm very sorry for my public display of kneejerkery.

And really, I guess I shouldn't be too possessive about ANYTHING regarding names, considering my parents named me Arlo Guthrie.

So Erim, I'm very sorry. And by the way, I think that "Ephemeral Distractions" is a great phrase and that you are an excellent photographer.

Douchebag Alert!

John Gibson defies all expectations and plummets to new depths of heretofore unknown douchebaggery.

Valerie Plame should have been outed. ...Rove should get a medal even if he did do what he says he didn't do.

Etiquette of Vice

So I was cruising through this article about tipping when I suffered an attack of the fantods. The article itself addresses (albeit breezily and without much resolution) the classic dilemmas surrounding the gifting of gratuities:

We all place a different value on the services we receive. Your definition of appropriate may be my definition of stinginess.

But the tipping controversy goes beyond that: It's also about appearance and ego, a litmus test for the kind of person we're perceived to be, and the kind of person we perceive others to be. We want to come across as fair though not excessive, prudent yet not cheap.

It's a balancing act that, while it might not always be conscious, shapes the way we dole out gratuities.

Fair enough. Like the author, I generally tip around 20% at restaurants. However, I rarely (if ever) tip for services which are priced solely at the discretion of the service provider. Usually this scheme works fine. The nice lady who cuts my hair charges $15 for a haircut and I pay her $15 – if she wants more, all she needs to do is raise her rate. (Admittedly, I will give a little more if the shampoo is unexpectedly affectionate). Now, I'm visiting a friend in Las Vegas next week and I can already sense the tension: what should I tip while I'm lurking among the strippers in the company of my buddy? I don’t want to undervalue the ladies or give offense to my companion, but at the same time the entire environment has been painstakingly crafted to bamboozle lonely dipwits like me into coughing up our dough. I've got no problem with the practice of sauntering up to a dance floor and slapping down a sawbuck, it's the greasy walk-through-the-club that the dancers do that creeps me out. It's demeaning to all involved that some stranger in a thong expects to be paid for hobbling over on stilettos and mumbling, "How you boys doin' tonight?" A lap-dance? I'll pay for it. A lusty bootie shake? Worth the money. But a lame intrusion into a conversation with my drinkin' buddy? Bite me.

Hence my problem. I just know that (a) my attitude ain't properly calibrated for such an adventure, (b) I can't rightly afford to adopted a proper one, and (c) the Siren Song of the Strip is too strong to resist.

ADDENDUM: A cautionary tale.

The Pitfalls of Recollection & Sense

What I saw last night while sitting in the privacy and comfort of my own personal home [some text may be paraphrased or fictionalized as a consequence of an imperfect memory]:

Brit Hume: [snorfle] Today's news involves the President's chief political advisor Karl Rove and the supposed leaking of classified information. [rolls eyes heavenward] Jeff, what does all this mean?

Jeff Birnbaum: The Democrats smell blood in the water. What does it mean? Well, in the Democrat's wildest dreams it means that Rove will be fired. But that's just wishful thinking. [grin]

Brit Hume: [wiping away a viscous strand of ooze from his left nostril] So this is just a minor kafuffle that is getting a lot of attention because people are bored?

Jeff Birnbaum: That's pretty much the size of it.

Brit Hume: Fred, would you like to weigh-in here?

Fred Barnes: Karl Rove's biggest problem is that he's Karl Rove. The Democrats can't stand him. [jamming is meaty palms deep into his armpits] Plus, his lawyer is a – well, I wouldn't say deceitful – he's making a mess of things. Overall I'd say it's a non-starter.

Brit Hume: Mort?

Mort Kondracke: Well, I think... I... [doggedly staring at his lap] A Republican... A... A Republican congress won't investigate this.

Brit Hume: Thank you all for another fair and balanced discussion. After the break we'll be looking at the latest developments in Aruba.

I am seriously asking for trouble now.

My school is making me take a Career Development course. I'm thirty-years-old, not twenty, so I simply don't know why I can't test out of this. However, here I am, taking this online course where I have to tell versions of me from ten-years-ago, "Way to go on that draft of your resume!" It's insulting and, frankly, a huge waste of money and time.

Nevertheless, I'm going to pass it. So here's the first part of the first assignment:

You must ask five friends, relatives, and associates to list 10 adjectives that describe you as they view you. Explain that you are looking for words that will describe both your strengths and weaknesses, as they perceive them. Ask them to focus on the way you present yourself, as well as describing character and personality traits.

Yeah, I know. Fucking dumb, right?

This assignment is due tomorrow night, so you have approximately 24 hours to contribute. Ten adjectives describing me, good and bad. Use the comments.

Go!

Does anyone do a fucking Google search before they name their websites anymore?

First these kids don't notice that there's been an ARLOdesign® in Chicago since 2000, and now this guy?

As Big as Watergate, but No One Cares

Karl Rove was the source of Valerie Plame's background. Well, duh.

So when is Rove going to jail?

Oh, wait, that would require media outrage. If anything, the media is defending their own.

Rove will go to jail when citizens care, and they don't because Angelia Jolie adopted another audience member to watch her funky-crazy sex with Brad Pitt. Sorry to be insulting to the citizens and actually exhibit the liberal arrogance we're always accused of by O'Hannibaughlter, but if you gave a shit and raised a stink, Rove would be disgraced.

At least, that's what I hope.

UPDATE: Perhaps I spoke too soon. Kelly posted this link (4.0MB Windows Media) in the comments. NBC's David Gregory is my new hero. (Source.)

Uh oh, Kelly. Looks like someone IS listening...

(Try it. It's fun.)

Ethics are the Aesthetics of the future

There's a movie coming out this month called The Aristocrats, co-directed by Penn Jillette. From what I gather, the movie is basically just 100 comedians telling the same joke--the filthiest joke in the world. Sounds like a drag, but from all I've heard, it manages to be painfully funny. A number of our pals on the right have already weighed in on the movie, of course. Its vile, its evil, its a document of the downfall of the civilization. This has prompted Mr. Jillette to pen an open letter to the critics--a letter that manages to be one of the most elegant commentaries on the place where art and politics intersect. It also rather nicely states some of my own ideas on art and entertainment. It deserves to be quoted in full:

The Aristocrats: Everyone Who Sees this Movie, Will Love It

By filmmaker, Penn Jillette

That’s my goal. I want everyone who sees our movie, “The Aristocrats” to enjoy it. I really do. So far we’ve done a really good job. We’ve had only a few people walk out, and most everyone else seemed to have a great time. Certainly a higher percentage of people who’ve seen our movie liked it than the percentage of people who liked “Lord of the Rings.” One reason is that “Lord of the Rings” sucks and our movie is good. But more importantly, everyone is supposed to like “Lord of the Rings.” They made it for everyone, because everyone has all the money. We didn’t make “The Aristocrats” for everyone; we made it for our friends.
You can tell right away our flick ain’t for everyone. Our movie uses that four letter word that begins with “C.” Our movie uses that word a lot. A way lot. You know the word; it’s the word you say and everyone is automatically sexually harassed. A hostile work environment in one word. It’s the word that adults call “The C word” in front of other adults. Adults who say every other dirty word as every part of speech won’t say that goddamn C word. When Aristocrats say the C word in the movie, it’s worse than just using the C word. We don’t use it in anger or as a mere ejaculation. We don’t even use it as synecdoche. The Aristocrats mean it as the real thing. We’re not just using dirty words; we’re using dirty images, and dirty ideas. And even worse, we’re doing it just for fun. Just for a laugh. The movie’s not for everyone.

“Don’t say shit in front of a C. H. I. L. D.” - Kinky Freidman

Think of the most disgusting images you can. Think of the worst scatological and non-consensual sex you can. Imagine children. Imagine young children. Imagine children that are related to each other. Children who are related to you. Imagine animals. Young endangered animals who are related to each other. Young endangered animals who are related to you. Nope, you’re not even close. The movie has over 100 professionals. They are much more disgusting than you can ever be, that’s because they’re professionals.
The movie is a lot more than dirty words and disgusting images. The taboo language is not even the main thrust; the main thrust is a movie with no nudity, no violence, and no conflict. It’s a movie about laughing with your friends. It’s very political because it’s not political at all. The Aristocrats just take for granted they can say anything they want. Fighting for freedom is a losing battle. Taking liberty is what real Americans do. It’s a love story, it’s political, it’s patriotic, it’s funny, funny, funny, funny, funny, funny. But, you shouldn’t see it if you’ve ever been offended by any word ever ever.
If you’re going to be offended don’t bother coming. It was a cheap movie to make. We don’t need everyone’s money. We have other jobs. Our asses aren’t on the line. If you think you’re going to like this movie, please, you’re invited. If you’re in Vegas and you meet me, I’ll show it to you for free over my house. My wife and I will serve popcorn. But, if you you’ve EVER been offended by any joke, read a book, I suggest “Moby Dick.”
Michael Moore and Mel Gibson are the same person, except for a few sit-ups. Moore thought his cheesy political blooper reel was going to tell people how to vote. Mel thought that his little gay SM movie about his imaginary friend was going to help him get to heaven. George W. Bush is president and there’s still no god. You failed boys. Someone should have told Mike that the bad guys are smarter than him and someone should have told Mel that the Three Stooges were Jewish.
Both those filthy rich losers wanted EVERYONE to see their movies. Moore wanted the Republicans to be shocked by how wrong they were and see the light shining out of his fat ass. Mel went for straight off the rack proselytizing. They both just got even richer.
I’m already richer than I should be. I don’t want to shock or offend anyone who doesn’t enjoy being shocked and offended. I want to make people laugh and love life and love watching all my friends making each other laugh.
So, IF YOU HAVE EVER EVER EVER BEEN OFFENDED BY ANY JOKE – DO NOT SEE THE ARISTOCRATS! If you think you might be offended by our movie, why don’t you go see “Lord of the Rings?” (in other words: go to hell.)
And then -- everyone who sees our movie will love it.

--copied off of CHUD

America's Number One News Channel

The oft-reference idiocy of John Gibson:

The bombings in London: This is why I thought the Brits should let the French have the Olympics — let somebody else be worried about guys with backpack bombs for a while.

A WaPo article:

Armed with some of the strictest anti-terrorism laws and policies in Europe, the French government has aggressively targeted Islamic radicals and other people deemed a potential terrorist threat. While other Western countries debate the proper balance between security and individual rights, France has experienced scant public dissent over tactics that would be controversial, if not illegal, in the United States and some other countries.

[…] Thomas M. Sanderson, a terrorism expert with the Center for Strategic and International Studies in Washington, said France has combined its tough law enforcement strategy with a softer diplomatic campaign in the Middle East designed to bolster ties with Islamic countries.

"You do see France making an effort to cast itself as the friendly Western power," as distinct from the United States, he said. "When it comes to counterterrorism operations, France is hard-core. … But they are also very cognizant of what public diplomacy is all about."

I would like to submit a new hit-list for our special forces.

James Stockdale 1923–2005

Of course, the first thing he said upon reaching the afterlife: "Who am I? Why am I here?"

Moment of silence for James Stockdale.

The Firing Squad Stands in a Circle

Kos:

Bush's latest rationale for maintaining the course in Iraq adventure has been the "flypaper strategy" -- it's better to fight the terrorists over there than at home. Nevermind that the Iraqis never asked to have their country turned into a dangerous den of terrorism, insurgency, violence and death. For war supporters looking for an excuse, any excuse, to justify the continued disastrous American presence in Iraq, the flypaper rationale was as good as any.

Except that it's not working. The war isn't making the West any safer. In fact, it's creating a whole new class of terrorists. Today it was London. Next time it could easily be the United States. And waging the war in Iraq, rather than make us safer, is further motivating Islamic terrorists to strike at the West.

...

But Bush (and Blair) took their eyes off the prize -- neglected to finish the job in Afghanistan, let Al Qaida off the hook to rebuild and reorganize, and helped swell its ranks with an unecessary and inept campaign in Iraq.

There are consequences to the mess in Iraq. And today, we're seeing one of them. Unfortunately, it won't be the last.

Terrorists have always been striking at the West—Twin Towers in 1993, USS Cole, African embassies, the twarted millennium attacks, 9/11. There isn't a whole new class of terrorist; they've been committing acts such as these since before the Second Iraq War. Even if we focused our forces in Afghanistan like we should have, events like the Bali bombing and today's London bombings could still have occurred. Terrorists are dangerous, zealous idealogues who don't need an invasion in Iraq to fashion a reason to plant bombs in a subway. Let's not fall into the same rhetoric as our conservative counterparts to aggrandize the enemy and become just as jingoistic, and let's not manufacture reasons to oppose the war in Iraq based on conjecture. There are plenty of reasons to oppose it that are the honest-to-God truth.

Spinning Grief Into Guns

First, let me drop to my badly bruised knees and thank the sweet Lord that nobody gives an impacted dootie bubble what I say or think about anything. If I believed otherwise, I would immediately slice my own tongue off, break my fingers, and curl up in a fetal ball beneath a solid rocket booster.

That said, here's what I think is going to happen as a result of the attacks in London: a bunch of smarty-pants doofuses with terrible haircuts are going to append the incident to their in-process white papers as an ad hominem argument in support of their sweeping plans to remake the world in their own image. Meanwhile, bone-stupid terrorists who think themselves terribly clever for bringing global attention to their hopelessly provincial delusions will continue to preoccupy the best and brightest minds in the world; which will inevitably result in a gross over-estimation of their tactical designs and political wherewithal. This, in turn, will cause an even greater emphasis to be placed on developing weapons in space.

As for the "liberal agenda", the President has spoken:

…we have people here who are working to alleviate poverty, to help rid the world of the pandemic of AIDS, working on ways to have a clean environment.

And that, ladies & gentlemen, is George W. Bush addressing poverty, AIDS & the environment. Did you enjoy it?

Poorly Written, Knee-Jerk Reaction to London Terrorist Attack

I'm not even going to try to predict how the London terrorist attack will affect everything. However, I will reiterate what many of us have been saying for years: if you want to go after terrorists, Mr. President and Mr. Prime Minister, go after terrorists, and don't let imperialism color your actions. Protect citizens, not corporate interests. Protect peace and cooperation and understanding, don't encourage violence. You want to attack someone with your military might? Attack the people who perpetrate actions like this one, not citizens and not scapegoats. Right-wing idealogues will use this incident as an opportunity to extol the virtues of our President, noting how this hasn't happened here. I know none of the neocons are reading this, but I would please ask that you do not minimize the feelings of the Brits and not flaunt American superiority. Am I glad this hasn't happened here? Yes. Am I surprised that it hasn't happened here? Yes. And finally, to end this stream-of-consciousness rant, I'm not minimizing the feelings of the Brits, either, when I say that this terrorist action doesn't preclude me or anyone from continuing to criticize how our respective governments are behaving. If anything, it makes me even more impassioned.

Sidenote: From this BoingBoing post, UK television is soliciting cameraphone and videophone clips. We're turning into gargoyles.

Happy Birthday, Mr. President and Mr. Stallone

Not only do our president and Sylvester "Cup the Balls" Stallone have the same birthday, they are the same age. Born on the same day. It's a shame Stallone is 59, though, because in 13 years, he may simply be too old to reprise one of his most famous roles.

Certainly, Rambo: First Blood Part II, was simply another film in the Prisoner of War genre popular in the aftermath of Vietnam, a genre populated by exceptional films like Missing in Action, Missing in Action 2: The Beginning, and Braddock: Missing in Action III. (From what I understand, The Deer Hunter is also better than okay.) However, Rambo stands out for me due to a lecture I recall from the Film Appreciation course I took at Virginia Tech. As the professor put it, Rambo is the only film where the United States wins the Vietnam war. Rambo singlehandedly rescues POWs and defeats the Vietcong, thus vindicating the US military.

So, to honor the joint birthday of The Itallian Stallion and The Kennebunkport Kid Killer, I offer my treatment for Rambo: Second Blood:

The year is 2017. John Rambo, an aging Vietnam veteran, is living out the rest of his years on a ranch in Texas. We see oil derricks in the distance. His grandson, Johnny Rambo (Ashton Kutcher), a veteran of the Second Iraq War (IWII), drives up in his beat-up Hummer, to inform his granddad that President Santorum has selected Rambo, III, to return to Iraq to defeat the insurgents once and for all and rescue the spirit of democracy that has been held captive for too long. Oh, and to bring back some precious oil. Rambo the elder entrusts his grandson with a lucky RPG launcher engraved with the name "Tricky."

Johnny lands in Iraq. He kills some insurgents, meets a hot chic, loses her, kills the insurgents that captured her, kills the leader of the insurgency, and narrowly escapes an enormous explosion with the hot chic over one shoulder and a barrel of crude over the other.

Johnny is paraded through the streets of Baghdad and agrees to monitor the next election. Grandfather Rambo slowly steps off of a helicopter in the distance, walks to his Grandson, and hugs him.

Should make millions.

Log On, Grab a Sandwich, Answer the Phone, Take a Leak, Return to Computer... INFECTED.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know the argument that if Macs were as prevalent as Windows, Macs would have just as many viruses (and there are some nasty Mac viruses out there). But c'mon. Your pretty new Dell can get infected with a virus in 12 minutes, which is surely an average and is based on an unprotected machine. But still... c'mon! 12 minutes? And already your passwords are being logged and your operating system is being attacked and your friends are receiving emails with more versions of the virus?

And you still think Macs are too expensive?

(Props Slashdot).

War on Animals--X-Day edition

Well, here we are again--July 5, and still no Pleasure Saucers of the Sex Goddesses. Almost enough to make one curse the name of Dobbs--as if I don't do that on a daily basis, anyway. Guess its not gonna happen 'til year 8661 after all...

Be that as it may, here's a li'l link from the SubG Yahoo club--don't kill animals; just make 'em BETTER.

Give me slack or give me food or kill me.

War on Animals: The History Channel

Entertainment!

Several witnesses reported a man beating a baby elephant with a shovel after he pulled his truck into a restaurant parking lot. The elephant and the man were in town with the Great American Circus. One witness said she could hear the elephant shrieking from inside the restaurant. Another said the man hit the elephant 15 or 20 times with a shovel, then left when he noticed people staring at him.

The incident occurred 14 years ago.

(via eponymagain)

ADDENDUM: Apropos of nothing, but from the above linked source:

A 4,500 pound elephant named Luna, apparently disoriented after performing a trick, stepped out of the ring and walked into a crowd of 1,000 people. A few people suffered minor injuries while scrambling out of the animal’s path. The show was abruptly halted. Afterwards, dozens of audience members gathered outside the civic center, some furious at circus officials and others upset and crying.

LYRC 4.0 Release Candidate 2 (ALPHA)

Because of the weirdness that Blogger added to the posts that made the old template look funky, I had to quickly whip out something new. Using the Default Blogger template that I had previously (which was designed by Jeffrey Zeldman, so I knew the CSS would be perfect), I've whipped together this. It's not even close to done—I need to treat the headings differently, there's still a few bugs (like not seeing links in the headings), and I haven't really done anything to the look of comments yet. However, so far I'm happy. It seems to have something for everyone, like a return to the CB radio that a previous incarnation used. Plus, it still has some pink, though now it simply reads as a tint of the red. Feel free to comment, but bear in mind that this design is still a work in progress.

July 4th - Huzzah!

You’ve Come A Long Way Baby!

God bless our happy home. On this spectacular 4th of July, LYRC formally wishes America Happy Birthday! Sure, we’ve had our ups & downs, our disagreements, but we’ve never gone to bed angry – and that’s what has kept our relationship strong. It’s all about the love.

Gaylord Nelson, 1916 - 2005

A millisecond of silence for Gaylord Nelson (more time cannot be afforded lest the attack on the planet suffer further delay).

A conservationist years before it became fashionable, Nelson was recognized as one of the world's foremost environmental leaders. Then-President Clinton presented Nelson with a Presidential Medal of Freedom in 1995 for his environmental efforts.

"As the father of Earth Day, he is the grandfather of all that grew out of that event: the Environmental Protection Act, the Clean Air Act, the Clean Water Act, the Safe Drinking Water Act," read the proclamation from Clinton.

The windmills in heaven are about to get schooled.

(Gracias ps206)

A Deeply Confused Pilgrim

Seth Bullock (left) and Timothy Olyphant as Seth Bullock (right) on HBO’s Deadwood

After attending a family-related event in Sturgis, South Dakota, I decided to drive to the nearby town of Deadwood for a little gambling and sightseeing. I checked out the interpretive re-creation of the “actual location” where Wild Bill Hickok was shot, visited the graves of Wild Bill, Calamity Jane, “Vinegar Bill”, and Seth Bullock. I’ve seen the first season of the HBO series Deadwood and I thought it was pretty good; I’ll certainly continue watching it.

Grave of Seth Bullock on Mt. Moriah

Indeed, the success of the series has apparently resulted in a slight increase in tourist traffic to the region. The cemetery, for example, has been modified to accommodate increased traffic. In keeping with a tradition that is practiced on celebrity graves throughout the word, pilgrims to Deadwood’s Mt. Moriah Cemetery (Boot Hill) leave coins, small notes, and other trinkets on the monuments. Perhaps the most remote of the noteworthy graves at Mt. Moriah is that of Sheriff Seth Bullock. It’s fair to say that most people were probably not familiar with Mr. Bullock until he became the stoic and honorable protagonist of the HBO series (played with a practiced flatness by Timothy Olyphant). The gravesite of the actual Seth Bullock is set far apart from the cemetery proper, on a peaceful hill overlooking a scenic valley in the heart of the Black Hills. On top of his gravestone sits the usual assortment of coins & trinkets. Now, out of respect I did not molest these tokens during my visit. One of my companions, however, did – which is how I came into possession of a small card from Kèva Juice which had a kind message for Mr. Bullock scrawled on the back.

It’s the thought that counts...

Luther Vandross 1951–2005

I was never a fan, but I'm sure there are many twenty- and thirtysomethings out there who owe their conception to this man.

Moment of silence for Luther Vandross.

This is a bad [Sandra] Day [O'Connor]

So we all agree that this sucks, right? Anyone that Dubya nominates will be pro-life. And if Rehnquist quits/croaks, well, it's time to buy stock in Church & Dwight and Warner Chilcott. Hell, surely a reversal of Roe vs. Wade is the least of our worries.