Propaganda in the War on Animals

Now that's the spirit. The sort of unrepentant jingoism the cause needs. (Via Waxy.org.)

Please Stop Already

Frankly, I'm confused by all this yammering about "timetables for withdrawal" and "quagmires" and whatnot. Here's what the President said:

Our mission in Iraq is clear. We're hunting down the terrorists. We're helping Iraqis build a free nation that is an ally in the war on terror. We're advancing freedom in the broader Middle East. We are removing a source of violence and instability, and laying the foundation of peace for our children and our grandchildren.

That is perfectly clear. Sure, it's pretty freakin' general and all-encompassing, but the underlying message is unmistakable: the United States is colonizing the Middle East in a slow, deliberate, and rhetorically bulletproof manner. A lot has been made recently of Dick Cheney's "last throes" comment (and Rummy's "12 years" follow-up), but the reality of the situation has never been in doubt – the United States of America is never leaving Iraq (I offer my own prescient analysis as a supporting argument). Let's stop whinging about the protean justifications for our continued military presence in the region; the superobjective is the only objective worth remembering. The problem is that Bush's fun little encapsulation of our superobjective rings a little hollow (even some Republicans are dismissing it as boilerplate claptrap). Eventually we'll be left with two viable options: (a) run away like a bunch of pussies, or (b) cop to the obvious and admit that we're simply interested in securing the massive oil reserves of Iraq (and eventually Saudi Arabia) against the capricious villainies of tyrannical despots. What? Are we supposed to just cross our fingers and hope that the Saudis keep doing a good-cop/bad-cop dance with OPEC? Yeah, we've got Israel as our little colony in the region… but that's just not cutting the mustard petrol-wise. Sooner or later we've got to come out of the closet. We've got to level with the world. We're only helping Iraq to "defend itself" so that we can get our civilian contractor/paramilitary operations functioning in the region unencumbered and at full capacity.

This isn't a conspiracy. Nor is it inherently venal. It's just the way the world works.

Now THAT'S Pink (Site News)

Well, son of a bitch. Seems as though Blogger changed something in how they publish posts that broke the site design here, so I've had to revert to one of Blogger's default templates until I can figure it out. Yeah, Blogger tends to suck, but do you want to set up Moveable Type for me? I didn't think so. Anyway, enjoy this frilly thing until I can figure out something else. I'll figure it out as fast as I can, I promise.

Actor Dan Proctor found shot on North Side.

"…on Sunday the longtime musical theater veteran was the victim, found by police on a North Side residential street, badly wounded by a gunshot to the back of his head.

With no suspects or apparent motive, friends and colleagues struggled with questions as Proctor, 37, lay in a bed at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center.

Proctor's mother, from Indiana, opened his room to all visitors, allowing Chicago's theater community to his bedside, where he remained unconscious Monday evening.

[…] Police found Proctor about 3:15 a.m. Sunday on the sidewalk in the 1400 block of West Carmen Avenue, in Uptown near the Andersonville neighborhood, police spokeswoman JoAnn Taylor said.

Proctor, who lives in the 900 block of West Gordon Terrace, was taken to Masonic in critical condition."

Chet Helms: 1942 - 2005

The "Summer of Love" is long gone, replaced by the "Summer of Terrorist Insurgency Born of Preemptive Attack". Adios Chet Helms.

The War on Cartoon Animals

Creeping facism? The American Taliban? The erosion of civil rights? Nertz! I'm upset about the desecration of Bugs Bunny.

LYRC Loves You

Swiftboating The Crazies

In the War on Animals, you're either with us or you're against their enemy. Got it? Good. Volunteer ghost stringer & part-time grunt, Stiggy, has provided headquarters with this helpful link. It's a bloggocentric rundown of the recent brouhaha surrounding the news of PETA employees charged with animal cruelty. The original news reports were not particularly fascinating: dead pets in a dumpster. Some might be inclined to think that this is merely a case of PETA employees blowing off steam. Certainly it represents a stumbling block to those who seek to protect and coddle the enemy.

For a quick look at the logic that's being used to bludgeon PETA's reputation, let's take a look at this (via link above):

"In 2003, PETA euthanized over 85 percent of the animals it took in," said a press release from the lobby, "finding adoptive homes for just 14 percent. By comparison, the Norfolk (Va.) SPCA found adoptive homes for 73 percent of its animals and Virginia Beach SPCA adopted out 66 percent."

The center's David Martosko considered PETA's hefty budget -- reportedly, $20 million -- and many contributions from well-heeled Hollywood celebrities, then figured, "PETA has enough money in the bank to care for every unwanted animal in Virginia (where it has its headquarters) and North Carolina."

Excellent! Spreading the news that PETA murders animals will ruin this morally corrupt organization and clear yet another obstacle to the successful implementation of a final solution to the animal problem. Sure, a quick look at the financial reports for PETA makes it clear that it's a political action organization and not a homeless shelter for animals, but who cares!? Between the murder charges and the lunatic protests, their goose is cooked. And all I've got to say is "Yum".

Charlie Saikley 1936–2005

Without him, we'd never have had this.

Moment of Silence for Charlie Saikley, the "Godfather of Beach Volleyball".

Blogger is doing something funky that is causing posts to appear all the way below the right-hand navigation in some browsers. SCROLL DOWN!

I apologize for the inconvienence. If you're keeping track at home, Blogger is adding some strange HTML tags around the posts, tags that instruct the browser to begin after any surrounding defined areas (like the column on the right). It's driving me crazy, and there's no reason why Blogger should be adding those. I've sent them a message, and hopefully this will be resolved soon.

NEWSFLASH: Amazing Scientific Breakthrough Goes Way Over My Head

Via Slashdot, I learned today that some MIT scientists have discovered, actually created, a new form of matter: "a gas of atoms that shows high-temperature superfluidity."

Most of us remember the three phases of matter from elementary-school science—solid, liquid, and gas. Until these MIT dudes (including the beefy, dreamy one on the right) made this form of matter, I knew of five phases of matter—the aforementioned and plasma, which you see just about every day in the form of fire, flourescent lighting, or gifts at the mall; and liquid crystals, which I only learned is a distinct phase of matter about a year-and-a-half ago when I wrote a paper on them for a chemistry class I took at art school (as you would suspect, a really, really easy class).

But this is physics, and physics is never that simple. I started Googling a bit to write this, and learned that there are actually plenty of phases. Ready?

• quark-gluon plasmas
• Bose-Einstein condensates
• fermionic condensates (the most recently discovered before MIT's discovery)
• strange matter
• superfluids
• supersolids
• paramagnetic and ferromagnetic phases of magnetic materials.

I'm not trying to educate. I'm simply pointing out how awed I am. I can't for the life of me figure out what all of this means. As I gather it, it's the highest temperature that a phase of matter can move without friction. However, when I delve into science, I am always amazed as the scope of the world. This certainly isn't an argument for intelligent design, but that nature seems limitless and that three dorks and a sweet slice of sexy man-cake can manipulate it in ways that defy natural order is magical. We should always debate the ethics of such manipulation (such as when genetic modification is appropriate or not), but such manipulation is always awe inspiring to me.

Your house would be a great location for a Starbucks. YOINK!

Thanks to a Supreme Court decision, your local government can sieze your property for private developments because, supposedly, your mayor or governor knows what's best for your community, though it's not your community anymore because you just got kicked out of it.

Other than O'Connor, the dissenting votes were Rehnquist, Scalia, and Thomas, which makes sense. Seizing private property for private development for the purpose of reinvigorating a community smacks of socialism, doesn't it?

But it puts regional and local governments in the pockets of private industry at the expense of citizens.

But it creates jobs.

But it hurts families.

FUCK, my head hurts!

Governing is hard.

All kidding aside, I actually do have an opinion on this. A ruling like this will need some restrictions, like siezing property only to eliminate blight, as some lower judges ruled, according to the article. Call your alderman. I'm sure Daley's itching to just take something for someone, and this decision may give him the go-ahead. Miegs Field, anyone? CTA Brown Line? Or do we already have something like this on the books in Chicago?

A Major Threat to Minor Threat?

I'm in a bit of a pickle.

I firmly believe in the idea of fair use. Appropriation and parody are valuable artistic tools, and our first amendment should allow us to use each other's work, provided that we are making a new statement in a new context. Prime example.

Even advertisers get into the appropriation game to hook into a particular mindset, evoke a specific mood or association for a target audience. I'm all for it.

But it's a slippery slope when a corporation like Nike steals from a band that hates corporations. Behold Major Threat.

So if I'm completely for Negativland taking commercial jingles, chewing them up, and regurgitating them as a screed against commercialism, don't I have to be accepting of a corporation appropriating the anti-commercialism of Minor Threat?

Well, Nike didn't exactly chew up the album cover and spit out something different. They pretty much copied it verbatim. And Nike's appropriation is incredibly manipulative of a particular subculture, one that I would hope would see through something like this but probably won't.

Still, the whole thing leaves me confused. And angry. So angry that I think I'll go ahead and listen to some Minor Threat right now.

I'm gonna knock it down
Any way that I can
I'm gonna scream, I'm gonna yell
I don't want to have to use my hands

It's like screaming at a wall
Someday it's gonna fall

You built up that wall around you
And now you can't see out
And now you can't hear my words
No matter how loud I shout

It's like screaming at a wall
Someday it's gonna fall

You're safe inside and you know it
'Cause I can't get to you
And you know I resent it
And my temper grows

You better reinforce those walls
Until you don't have no room to stand
'Cause someday the bricks are gonna fall
Someday I'm gonna use my hands

[source]

His Own Citizens

Saddam's trial is coming, Gitmo brouhaha is still festering, terror attacks continue unabated in Iraq, the approval rating of the President is falling, and the crazy anti-war crowd is being vindicated by a cornucopia of pointless suffering. Too bad, eh? Anyway, I just thought I'd post a quick little report from a decade ago that may add a dash of irony to the proceedings. Enjoy! (State sponsored terrorism: it's not just for foreigners).

Jack S. Kilby 1923–2005

You may not know Jack Kilby's name, but that name deserves to be uttered in the same sentence as Gutenberg's and Berners-Lee's for inventing something that revolutionized and accelerated culture. Like most inventors, Kilby surely had no idea the impact his invention would have on the world.

Moment of silence for Jack S. Kilby.

The Onion 2056's Brilliant Graphic Joke

While many today are blogging The Onion's scattershot The Onion 2056 issue ("...there wasn't anything good on TV on account of Paris Hilton dying."), there is one small piece of brilliance that I don't want anyone to overlook. Did anyone else notice the similarity between the future Onion masthead and the masthead from Omni?

Thinking Over-Rated

Make of this what you will:

"When women genuinely achieved an orgasm, areas of the brain involved in fear and emotion were deactivated. Those areas stayed alert however when women were faking it.The researchers also found that the cortex, which is linked with consciousness, is active during a fake orgasm but not during the real thing.'The deactivation of these very important parts of the brain might be the most important thing necessary to have an orgasm,' said Holstege.'It means that if you are fearful or at a very high level of anxiety, then it is very difficult to have sex because you really have to let yourself go,' he added.The brain scans for men during orgasm were less conclusive, according to Holstege."

Blogger Admits To Being "Classic"

Anatomy of Spiritual Rot

There’s a vast network of idiotic quizzes and slanted polls online. As a turgid wad (which is how I think of myself in quiet moment of solitude) I cannot help myself from indulging in these monstrosities. It’s a weakness (past transgression). Like booze and self-flagellation. In keeping with my penchant for dumping my filthy vices into the pubic realm, here’s another quiz , one that quantifies your theological leanings in a comic and brutal manner.

The thing that worries me about posting the results of my own personal quiz is that (a) it will cause my future (and past) postings to be viewed in a default and de facto prism of bias, and (b) I’ve always liked to think of myself as a probable convert to heavy-duty religiosity; an egotistical impulse to view oneself as “open” to counterintuitive argument. But things are as they are. So I’ve posted my results. Vilify me to your heart’s content. God bless you. Seriously.

Memory Lane & Downing Street

It's About The Future

I've been spending the last few days shuffling my feet, occasionally kicking up pockets of dust with my toe, and contemplating the Downing Street Memo. Ever the wordsmith, Yglesias threw down a simple post on the subject:

Isikoff and Hornball have an excellent rundown of various leaked memos and the insight they give us into the British government's understanding of the Iraq War, most notably "that Saddam Hussein's nuclear weapons program was 'effectively frozen' and that there was 'no recent evidence' of Iraqi ties to international terrorism—private conclusions that contradicted two key pillars of the Bush administration's public case for the invasion in March 2003."

There's a certain sentiment out there that "everyone knew" this stuff, but the reality is that everyone didn't know. Most people didn't -- and don't -- read the sort of publications where people were debating whether there weren't other, secret, better reasons for invading Iraq.

I agree that not everyone read all the wonky stuff about foreign policy and whatnot. Nevertheless, the stuff of the Downing Street Memo isn't new and most folk did know about it. Millions of us took to the streets in protest, got the word out online (check out my very first LRYC post), and generally made huge nuisances of ourselves in an attempt to hold the shabby and underhanded machinations of the White House to account. Once the military got into Iraq and discovered the absence of evidence that was indeed evidence of absence, the administration took to the Sunday morning talk circuit to plead their leaky case that "everyone" was duped by Hussein – another shabby and underhanded lie that ignored the millions of people throughout the world who had seen this coming miles away.

So yeah, there's a reasonable explanation for our lackadaisical attitude in the face of yet another piece of evidence that Bush is a warmonger. Over the last few days I've watch impartial journalists on MSNBC and CNN affect a posture of "…well, Duh!" with respect to the Downing Street Memo.

Why report it at all? The people who care about the truth already know it. Everyone else is simply going to have to be convinced by time – lots of time. As the occupation wears on and it no longer sounds right to say that American soldiers are sacrificing themselves for our freedom, as the "patchwork" of excuses for launching the war fade into memory, people will eventually begin to wake up. Hopefully.

The Violation of Arlo

Sunday evening, I came home from a day in the suburbs with my girlfriend to discover that the back door to my apartment was wide open with the window smashed in. The perp stole my 17" Samsung flat-panel monitor, two 80GB portable hard drives, my digital camera, my DSL modem, $40 in change, and Lesley's Kenneth Cole watch. My DVD player was in the middle of the living room floor in a bag that never made it out the door. Only three CDs were removed, two of them Blur CDs, and they were on my living room chair. (Lesley believes the thief looked at them and said, "He doesn't have Parklife? Fuck this!") The apartment was ransacked. Lesley and I spent the better part of yesterday cleaning and straightening up my apartment.

No, I had not yet purchased renter's insurance. I've learned my lesson.

My father's reaction—no one has any respect for anyone anymore, that's what this world is coming to—reaffirmed for me why I'm a pinko commie liberal. I won't support a world that breeds more people like my thief. I support a world that tries desperately to prevent people from ever needing to steal. It's too idealistic, I know, but so is a world that prostrates themselves to the military and corporate zealotry of a "free" nation. If you need an ideal, I think mine is much better. Don't you agree?

A Hero Is Born

A surprising development in the War on Animals:

A puppy with two extra legs and a second penis is drawing curious stares at a temple in Pandamaran town near here. […] Tee Kim Huat said the caretaker saw the white puppy with dark brown patches sleeping at the temple entrance at 7am.

“He lifted the canine to place it elsewhere and was shocked to see that the puppy had six legs! Not only that, the male puppy also had an extra penis,” said Tee.

“We believe someone dumped it at the temple,” he added.

An exposed babe with six legs turned foundling? Either Malaysia's tinkering around with some wicked nuclear technology or this is the introduction of the great hero who will lead the Animal Army to victory against the evil Human Empire.

Pointing And Laughing

As a general rule, I don't give a fiddler's damn what celebrities do; who they marry, who they kill, what their new "product line" is. I recognize that this is my loss entirely. Celebrities are (mostly) high-achievers, archetypes of success in a ruthless world, and stewards of a kaleidoscopic cult of personality. I, on the other hand, am a complete loser with a personality that is flatter than hammered shit. Which explains my reluctance to peer too deeply into the lives of my betters. Did a creepy older movie star ask a young starlet to join a cult and marry him so that he'll have a convincing beard at society events? I choose to remain ignorant.

However, some celebrity news is just too exciting to ignore:

He enjoyed Raisin Bran Crunch for breakfast, but refused to eat Froot Loops.

He liked to snack on Cheetos, until someone brought him a bag of Doritos, which he took silently into a corner and ate in a hurry.

Illinois Public Service Announcement

Illinois will begin using photo radar in freeway work zones in July. Second offense tickets are $1,000 with license suspension. Beginning in July the State of Illinois will use speed cameras in areas designated as "work zones" on major freeways. Anyone caught by the devices will be mailed a $375 ticket for the first offense, but a second ticket will cost $1,000 and comes with a 90-day license suspension. Drivers will also receive demerit points against their license, which allows insurance companies to raise their insurance rates. This represents the harshest penalty structure yet for a city using photo enforcement. The state will begin with two camera vans issuing tickets in zones with speed limits lowered to 45 MPH.

For further details: News Release.

Dick Durbin Should Apologize

I think my U.S. Senators, Durbin & Obama , are pretty freakin’ great; I have reason to believe that my congresswoman is doing a fine job as well. Hell, I even voted for ‘em. I certainly believe that they’re all smart enough to avoid serious political missteps and tough enough to handle criticism. Unfortunately, poor Dick Durbin talked about Nazis on the floor of the Senate:

… not only was the temperature unbearably hot, but extremely loud rap music was being played in the room, and had been since the day before, with the detainee chained hand and foot in the fetal position on the tile floor. […] If I read this to you, and did not tell you that it was an FBI agent describing what Americans had done to prisoners in their control, you would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags or some mad regime--Pol Pot or others--that had no concern for human beings

Now, knuckleheaded GOP sycophants are having self-righteous conniption fits ad nauseam. They claim, of course, that the U.S. military is not to be “compared” to such evil groups. I say, “Puh-freakin’-leeeze!” What kind of a damn ‘tard-o would believe that Nazis or Pol Pot would play loud rap music in their prison camps!? I don’t think so. Everyone knows that if the Nazis would play anything, they would play Wagner. See? That is what Durbin got wrong. He needs to issue an apology immediately.

Lance Corporal Mark Cooley (U.K.) takes a break from serving delicious meals to detainees to demonstrate for his American brothers the proper way to impersonate a Nazi.

A Twist At The End Of The Tunnel

Death by self-murder imagery (Source)

Classic near-death experience imagery (Source)

Some kind of actual tunnel of death (Source)

Psychological bedevilment of age-old iconography

ADDENDUM: For those who don't have DSL, broadband, or Quicktime, here's an alternative link.

I don't think I'm alone in thinking this.

I'd totally and proudly vote for him, but he can't win.

Neither can she.

I think this guy could.

Or this guy if he gets a better haircut.

And maybe in 2012, this guy.

But take my predictions with a grain of salt.

Movies Worth Seeing II

Beaten Veteran

If you’re interested in watching a fantastic movie, download a copy of Panorama Ephemera. There are several versions available for viewing, but I recommend the large one (4.2/3.9 GB); you may need to snag a copy of QuickTime’s MPEG-2 Playback, although comparable Freeware is available. Personally, my attention span has diminished in recent months so severely that I have problems sitting through anything longer than five minutes – but I was riveted throughout the entire film. It’s a damn work of genius.

If anyone has further suggestions for superb downloadable cinema, please plop 'em in the comments section.

(Gracias eponymagain: I’ll send you a full DVD + Playback upon request.)

Counterfeit Poison Conspiracy

(Source)

McDonald’s is introducing a new 42-ounce soda. How much is enough? How much soda will America drink before it stops? Seriously. Soda may be omnipresent now, but we all know that sooner or later this soda consumption has to end.

Searching For The Real Killer

There's been a lot of screechy whoopin' lately about the results of Terri Schiavo's, autopsy (summary), most of which has centered around Bill Frist's incompetent hypocrisy. That is as it should be. Frist, after all, is Senate Majority Leader – it's our civic duty to parse out, dissect, discuss, and subject to withering scrutiny and ridicule every public statement he makes. We, as grumpy citizens of democracy, are supposed to have politically biased opinions upon which rest the very fates of every elected official in the land. Generally speaking, this should not be a two-way street. Elected officials aren't supposed to launch politically biased attacks on ordinary citizens… well, at least not against ordinary citizens who are guiltless. Unfortunately, nobody is 100% guiltless; therefore we are occasionally saddled with a government-instigated witch hunt. A political hatchet-job on a President may be irritating, but a political hatchet-job on a private citizen can be a national disgrace (i.e. McCarthyism). Which brings me to Michael Schiavo. Now, with respect to the relentless attacks that have been leveled at this guy for years, most of the mudslinging has remained safely ensconced within the vile confines of right-wingery. Since Terri Schiavo's heart stopped, however, the crazies are taking their bloodlust mainstream:

'His goal is to find safe housing because of […] death threats,' said a friend, Alan Shoopak. 'It's not over. Unfortunately, it's just beginning.'

No kidding:

Gov. Jeb Bush asked a prosecutor Friday to investigate why Terri Schiavo collapsed 15 years ago, calling into question how long it took her husband to call 911 after he found her.

This is insane. There's no evidence at all that Michael Schiavo did anything wrong, yet the crazies have somehow convinced the Governor to make idiotic statements in an attempt to whip up suspicion. The U.S. Congress disgraced itself when it took up the "case" of Terry Schiavo, which apparently inspired the State of Florida to gin up an even sillier capstone to the affair. Is there some way we can amputate Florida?

(Gracias Mr. Blood)

ADDENDUM: That the Governor's suspicions were proven irrelevant by the autopsy is kind of beside the point, what with the GOP's immunity to reality.

Defiant Theatre's Wikipedia Entry

I wrote about the end of Defiant a while back. Not to be overly aggrandizing about it, but I kind of scooped the story for the world, much to the chagrin of a few members. Sorry.

But anyway, there have been two hurrahs for Defiant, which I missed.

There was the Wake, which I missed because of school.

And then the recent Jeff awards, which I also missed because of school.

There are members who are dear friends who I haven't seen in nearly a year because I've been so busy with school.

But most importantly, because of my absence, I haven't yet been able to leave something to honor that which defined so much of who I am.

Until today.

Today, I have created and pledge to maintain a Defiant Theatre entry in Wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defiant_Theatre

In case you haven't heard of Wikipedia, allow me to lift up your rock dwelling and tell you: It's like an Encyclopedia Britannica that anyone can edit. I have called upon all of the members of Defiant Theatre to contribute to it. There's actually nothing stopping anyone from contributing to it. (Just remember, it's an encyclopedia, not a gossip page.)

I hope that this entry in Wikipedia can become a fairly complete compendium of knowledge about the company.

Speaking of Sesame Street...

...have you written your congressman yet to save NPR and PBS from losing all federal funding?

The All-New Sesame Street

It may not be new to you, but it's new to me, and it's hilarious.

Flaunt Your Superiority in the War on Animals

Kelly often writes about the War on Animals quite eloquently here. And now is your chance to show your support for the troops.

As the old adage goes, booze always tastes better when its poured out of a squirrel's neck. Or drink straight from decanter and amuse your friends! Hell, fill it with a pre-mixed bloody mary, and hilarity will ensue!

(Via Gizmodo)

Traditions of Time & Identity

Methuselah

Here’s the title of the article: Seed of extinct date palm sprouts after 2,000 years. Here’s a brief excerpt:

Planted on Jan. 25, the seedling growing in the black pot in Solowey's nursery on this kibbutz in Israel's Arava desert is 2,000 years old -- more than twice as old as the 900-year-old biblical character who lent his name to the young tree. It is the oldest seed ever known to produce a viable young tree.

The seed that produced [the seedling nicknamed] Methuselah was discovered during archaeological excavations at King Herod's palace on Mount Masada, near the Dead Sea. Its age has been confirmed by carbon dating.

Now, I’ve been gingerly making my way through Simon Schama’s Landscape and Memory, which does an excellent job picking apart the history of intergenerational arboriculture at its attendant ramifications on collective memory, mythology and culture. In his exegesis of the verdant cross, there is a wide-ranging discussion of the role of the date palm as the Tree of Life. Specifically:

As a source, scripture was supplemented with the various versions of the Legend of the True Cross. In a twelfth-century version Adam, nine hundred and thirty-two years old and (understandably) ailing, sends his son Seth to fetch a seed from one of the Edenic trees. Returning, the son the drops the seed in Father Adam’s mouth, from where it sprouts into sacred history. It supplies a length for Noah’s ark (a first redemption), the rod of Moses, a beam in Solomon’s temple, a plank in Joseph’s workshop, and finally the structure of the Cross itself.

While we might not necessarily buy that a man can live over 900 years, we know that trees are capable of living a great deal longer – including the Sequoia and Pinus longaeva:

The oldest known living specimen is the 'Methuselah' tree, 4,789 years, age verified by crossdating, sampled by Schulman and Harlan in the White Mountains of CA. An age of 4,844 years was determined post-mortem (after being cut down) for specimen WPM-114 from Wheeler Peak, NV. The age is largely crossdated (Brown 1996). It seems likely that trees exceeding 5,000 years exist. They may never be identified, however, because exceedingly old bristlecones share with a few other ancient pines the ability to adopt a strip-bark morphology.

The really fascinating thing about the new date palm seedling is not its age – it’s the fact that it constitutes a kind of resurrection. Of course, the date palm is the single most mythologically burdened tree to choose for this particular type of resurrection. Maybe that was the point? Frankly, it’s just a really neat story.

Hot Fudge Medusa

The only thing I can think of that might possibly be neater than the resurrection of the date palm would be a finely crafted sculpture of Sir Elton John made entirely out of chocolate.

Oh, for those who might have found this post irritating, here’s a fun article about an achondroplastic dwarf who got into hot water with Wal-Mart because her facial paralysis prevented her from smiling.

Lightning Round

Quick... Which one of these photos depicts something that actually fucking matters?

1. 
   A fan releases white doves as she learns the not guilty verdict in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial outside Santa Barbara County Superior Court in Santa Maria, California.(AFP/Robyn Beck) [link]
2. 
   Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise attend the film premiere of 'Batman Begins' in Hollywood, Calif. on Monday, June 6, 2005.(Fashion Wire Daily/Amy Graves) [link]
3. 
   Britain's Prime Minister Tony Blair drinks a cup of tea during his monthly press conference at No.10 Downing Street in London. Blair's government was set to unveil an ambitious raft of some 40 draft laws, including a controversial proposal to introduce national ID cards(AFP/File/Adrian Dennis) [link]

Answer... Sorry, trick question. Can the media discuss important shit now? I mean, c'mon. Tony Blair's British. You think I don't know that he drinks tea?

The Wonders of nature

Saw my first roadrunner today. Their legs really do spin in circles as they run. Sad to say, the road upon which they run does not bursts into flame, no does the center white line fly into the air. That being said, they sure are fast.

Yawnapalloza 2005 Leaves The Building

Celebrity bajillionaire weirdo gets off scot free – what a major fucking surprise. I'm so completely fucking stunned I can barely breathe. I'll just calm myself down by listening to Childhood again and again and again. (via goldenfiddle)

ADDENDUM: Speaking of music... + Triumph Takes on MJ

Danny B Good

Check out my man Danny Belrose in Deluge, an odd little picture from the great city of Portland, Oregon. Good job, Mr. B!

The Joseph Jefferson Awards

Okay, I'm going to be very self-indulgent here, and post something I sent to a bunch of friends, and posted on the old Defiant Theatre yahoo group site. Those of you in Chicago theatre know that the Joseph Jefferson Awards are Monday night, and Defiant is up for a number of awards, including "Best Ensemble" for the one hundred and fifth remount of Action Movie: The Play. I just wanted to put this on the ol blog here to insure that the maximum number of people DO NOT DO ANYTHING ON THIS LIST. If any of you are going to the Jeffs, and consider yourself an ex-member of Defiant, or a Defiant sympathizer or fellow traveler, or whatever you want to call it (slave, groupie, minion. I usually considered myself a minion. Sometimes a henchman), DO NOT DO ANY OF THESE THINGS. AND DRUGS ARE BAD, OK?

Sigh. Wish I could be there. But I have some suggestions for how to make Defiant’s final Joseph Jefferson Awards a night full of wonder and magic. Print out a copy and pass it around. Why not send this to everyone who has ever done a Defiant show? Well, almost everyone.

Throw ice. Don’t feel compelled to buy drinks to supply your ammunition; just troll around for empty tables and abandoned glasses

Smoke. Cigarettes are delicious and picturesque. Everyone enjoys the smell of cigarette smoke. Smoke like fiends.

Yell things. Yelling is fun and it feels good. Here are some things to yell:
“More sugar!”
“Eat it!”
“Eat it raw!”
“What is reality?”
“Brains!”
“Macbeth!”
Lines from Macbeth would be fun, too.
“My wallet!”
Can you do a Godzilla noise? Or maybe Chewbacca? That’s sort of like yelling, and Chewbacca is topical.

Make up your own things to yell. Its fun. Remember, no cracks about age or weight. I’m serious.

Wear a mask. Not the whole time, just have something you can stash and produce. A fun place to wear it would be in the bathroom.

If you see (i.e., hunt down) Michael Phillips, say “You’re not funny”, or “Leave the comedy to the pros”. The more people do this, the funnier it will be.

Likewise, if you “happen to run into” Chris Jones, say, “Do you usually just bring your own bottle to these things?”

Every time Sean Graney wins something, act like you’re a 14 year old bobby soxer at a Frank Sinatra show circa 1940. Run up to the stage and faint.

Suggested additions are encouraged, via comments. Be nice.

Kiss The Criminal

Gizmo

Well, it looks like everyone's got their knickers in knots about Gitmo and the abuse of a book. For the record, I like books and am generally bummed out when I hear that they're mistreated. On the other hand, I tend to buy mostly paperbacks and when I'm through with them they're usually bent, stained, slightly torn and smell like my fingers (i.e. warm butt). Does that make me a hypocrite? Probably. But the future of Gitmo seems to hinge on things other than books. A lot of Lefties like to rail and squawk about "abuse" at our detention facilities, but I don't understand why. It seems to me that most Americans – regardless of their political views – strongly support locking people in metal cages for long period of time; sometimes until they die. Sure, there are societies that are far more primitive, cruel and murderous than ours… but I really don't know anything about those societies because I'm an ethnocentric jerk. I do, however, know a little about the criminal justice system in my own country. I know that it is growing bigger every day. That American prisons are not fun places to be. That people who aren't in prison are perfectly content to ignore and/or detest those inside. We are a lock-'em-up-and-throw-away-the-key culture. From what I understand of American history, this hasn't always been the case. People used to be punished physically, through elaborate commitments to restitution, public shame, etc. Sometimes I wonder if our society isn't simply becoming one big lynch mob – addicted to the intoxicating power of exacting harsh justice. Think of it. Who among our political leaders ever speaks of forgiveness? Why, if they did they'd be branded a communist hippy utopian pussy and promptly fired. No, it simply will not do.

I don’t think that Liberals want to close Gitmo because they want the inmates treated better, or even because they think that it'll help our "image" abroad. (Biden's comments on this are well-stated but miss the point; to be primarily interested in our "image" is to be inherently and transparently propagandistic). I think they simply have a generalized aversion to the powerful lording it over the weak, and they see America as being supremely powerful. This antipathy for brute authority (enhanced by a natural psychological affinity for the underdog) fuels much of the anti-war, anti-imperial, and anti-Gitmo mania. But if this is so, where is the outrage at what is happening to our very own non-terrorist brethren? Heck, even the British go to great lengths to keep their citizens from standing trial in America because a) we give people life sentences, and b) we believe in killing prisoners. Frankly, much of the western world thinks our prison system is kinda barbaric. I guess all this leads me to believe that people are carrying on about Gitmo because they don't like the war. And let's face it, we can't do anything about the war and moving prisoners out of Gitmo is a smaller and more attainable goal.

Bad Font for a Bad Touch

If there was ever a font that was hated more by typophiles, it would be Comic Sans. Comic Sans is simply hideous. There are far better fonts for cartoons or pieces targeted at youth than Comic Sans. People who like Comic Sans are adding to the amassing litter polluting our visual landscape.

Today, I was handed the flyer pictured here (click it for a larger version), and it may very well be the most inappropriate use of Comic Sans I've ever seen. How is that subject matter appropriate for a font like Comic Sans?

Hell, even Arial would be better.

UPDATE: I should add, however, that the default font for the body copy of this web site is Trebuchet, which was designed by the typographer of Comic Sans. I guess nobody's perfect.

Quack Lands In Thistle

How is the War on Animals coming along? I'm so glad you asked. Progress is being made. Obstacles are being overcome. New soldiers are recruited every day. Of course, it must continually be stressed that those who attempt to give aid or comfort to the enemy will be considered treasonous; harsh punishment can be expected.

An Illinois woman who stopped to help a family of ducks cross Interstate 90/39 on Wednesday morning ended up in the hospital after she was hit by a car and thrown 60 feet.

Sheila M. Bajus … was driving south on I-90/39 at about 10:40 a.m. when she saw the family of ducks attempting to waddle east across the Interstate just south of the Highway 26 overpass. She pulled her vehicle to the left shoulder.

Kathryn M. Hess … was driving south on the Interstate, too, and stopped to help.

...[Bajus] was hurrying up the gravel shoulder along the median when she saw a maroon car swerving toward her. [...] The front passenger fender and passenger-side mirror clipped Bajus, flipping her up onto the windshield. The impact cracked the windshield and tossed Bajus 60 feet before she landed on her stomach in a patch of thistles in the median.

"I think both the women learned a valuable lesson," [Wisconsin State Patrol Trooper Andrew] Emmel said.

Among the ducks there were no survivors.

Sorry... More Apple/Intel Talk

I'm sure you're sick of me talking about Apple's switch to Intel processors. And I was ready to let it go for a while seeing as how I talked so much damn nerd speak this week that even I could use a break.

However, something struck me as a ridiculous piece of nonsense today from a source I usually respect, and I must respond in my small, insignificant-speck-on-the-blogosphere way.

Robert Cringley is a smart, well-spoken nerd pundit whose column I read frequently. (It's in my links on the right.) He's often overly prone to speculating about the future of the industry, but his speculations are usually really profound, interesting speculations based on factual information that, even if completely ridiculous, are at least thought-provoking, like any good speculation should be.

In the case of his column about the Apple/Intel keg-party hook-up, while I think his conclusion has some merit—that Intel and Apple are merging—the normally reliable Cringley has some very poor misinformation that I'd like to correct in a fashion that will hopefully show up in a future Google search.

Before I proceed, allow me to state two things:

1. There is a lot of dense nerd speak ahead. If that bores you, then scroll down. Directly underneath this post is a photo of a really hot woman, a woman so hot that even the most principled of women will have to say, "Damn, that shit's hot!"
2. Have I mentioned recently that Tom Delay is a douchebag?

Cringely bases his theory of an imminent Apple/Intel merger on five unanswered questions. Where Cringely goes wrong is failing to notice that most of these questions have reasonably logical answers, answers that fall well outside the Reality Distortion Field.

Question 1: What happened to the PowerPC's supposed performance advantage over Intel?

Because IBM and Motorola can't catch up. Sorry, Robert, but you're wrong on this one. I love my Powerbook, don't get me wrong, and it's plenty fast for my needs, but for God's sake, the processor in it is SLOWER than that used in a top-shelf PowerMac system from three years ago. I'm with you on the superiority of Altivec, but even without it, the fastest Centrino-powered notebook out there eats my Powerbook for breakfast. (It's just a shame that it runs Windows.) As for Apple's tests comparing the G5 to Pentiums and AMD processors, note that PowerMacs will most likely be the last machines to switch over to the new processors. A year is a long time in technology, dude.

Question 2: What happened to Apple's 64-bit operating system?

Nothing. Remember, the low end, which uses a 32-bit processor, is switching over first. THEN the 64-bit G5 switches over to a 64-bit Intel processor. From the excellent article at ArsTechnica:

Later, as Intel moves to 64 bits across its entire desktop line, Apple will upgrade its existing 64-bit PPC parts with higher-performing 64-bit Intel parts. The end result is that as Intel makes the transition to 64 bits, Apple will make the transition to Intel.

C'mon, Bobby, read the press releases that land on your desk. Intel's roadmap is public knowledge.

Question 3: Where the heck is AMD?

A lot of people are asking this. AMD does have higher performance than Intel on a bad day, and AMD was the first to market with usable 64-bit x86 processors.

We have to remember that this is all about laptops, the highest-selling form factor for computers now. Intel has Centrino, which is a Pentium processor with the wireless and the power management and everything. It's the most energy efficient chipset for laptops out there. I believe that Intel brings the whole widget, not just the processor like AMD.

Plus, Intel can probably produce much more supply than AMD. AMD makes niche processors, just like Motorola did (now Freescale). Why would Jobs want to get in bed with yet another niche company, only to get screwed again? That's just silly.

Though once OS X apps are running on x86 processors exclusively, and depending on the deal with Intel, there may be nothing stopping Apple from building an Athlon 64 box.

Cringely's question about the Osborne effect actually makes some sense. I know I won't want to replace my Powerbook until the transition is done, and I'm sure many Mac fans feel the same way. The difference here is that Apple has lots of money in the bank and an incredibly valuable iPod business. There's enough buffer to weather the storm. It's definitely an opening salvo against Microsoft, with Jobs and Otellini giggling like schoolyard-bullies and taunting nasally, "We're coming for your lunch money, Microsuck."

(I agree with Cringley's assessment that the DRM argument seems irrelevant.)

Yes, Intel and Apple are going for Microsoft's jugular. When you can compare an Apple machine to a Windows machine point-by-point with no discernable difference, when the price of Apple machines comes down because the supply for parts is far easier to come by, and when the now-smaller premium for Apple products seems justifiable when you compare OS X to Windows and the aesthetics of a Mac to a Dell's, then Apple's market share starts to ratchet up. It is for this reason that the switch to Intel makes sense—to level the hardware playing field and give consumers one less thing to compare. All that's left to compare (other than price, I guess) are the differences where Apple kicks Windows' ass—reliability, user-friendliness, and aesthetics.

Sure, maybe Intel does want to acquire Apple to crush Microsoft, but I think it makes more sense for Intel and Apple to partner and crush Microsoft from two fronts. On one side, Apple destroys Windows in the operating system and software innovation department as well as OEMs who lack the aethetics and design of Apple. Secondly, Intel has a customer for whom their engineers can push the development of a computer's guts without having to support all of the legacy garbage needed to support Windows; since all the computer companies copy Apple anyway, they'll all want the new Intel gizmos that Apple is showing off, and OEMs will demand that Windows support those gizmos. Intel and Apple are more powerful against Microsoft separately than merged. An alliance makes more sense.

Frankly, Cringley, if you want some wild speculation, how about this one: Jobs has probably wanted to switch to Intel since he returned to Apple. Why keep an x86-compiled OS X going for so long? Everyone switches to OS X, it is widely adored, along comes Transitive, and voilà. Let's switch to a level playing field and inflict some hurt on our pals in Redmond.

But what do I know. I'm just a guy who can post stuff whenever he wants on a web site.

Finally, and this is more of a sidenote, but Cringely states:

If Apple was willing to consider a processor switch, moving to the Cell Processor would have made much more sense than going to Intel or AMD, so I simply have to conclude that technology has nothing at all to do with this decision.

For Christ's sake, Bobby. The Cell processor, while fast and innovative, processes commands in order. The processors that power computers, like your G5s and your Pentiums, are capable of processing commands out of order to optimize performance, making them much more suitable for the rigors of general purpose computing. When a processor only has to do one thing, like process the video for a video game and make a handful of decisions based on a strict set of rules (like, say, a physics engine), it can run a hell-of-a-lot faster because, compared to a computer running Photoshop, InDesign, Illustrator, Word, a web browser, an email client, and dozens of unseen processes in the background—a video game console has much less to do. If anyone should know this, it's Robert Cringley. (Here's more info on why the Cell wouldn't work for Apple.) I'm sure the Cell will find a place in render farms, but again, one purpose, not many.

Okay, I'm done. There's boobs below this post. Thank you.

What Our Troops Are Fighting For

I’ve complained and fussed about many things on this blog. I think it’s time that I post something that I feel unabashedly positive about.

Keep Slappin', Hombre

YEAH! (via Atrios)

I was watching the coverage of Howard Dean on CNN last night – and I was impressed. The decision to stop trying to outfox FOX is already becoming apparent. In story after story they completely abstained from getting "reactions" to comments, and instead actually discussed whether or not such comments were true. (Dean's comments about the Republican party being largely "white" and "Christian" did, in fact, stand up to comparative scrutiny).

While it's important to acknowledge that CNN was the first cable network to cheapen the entire journalistic profession by listing starboard and surrendering air time to crackpot punditry, I have high hopes that they will revive the notion that objective reporting can be commercially viable.

That the Downing Street memo has gotten any attention at all, let alone a minor scuffle in the White House press room, is remarkable. If the pendulum is indeed swinging back to center, it's because it's being pushed – by tough bastards like Dean.

Since When is Tiger Woods a Geek?

We've covered this territory before.

Nerds make better lovers. Duh.

But Tiger Woods is a geek because he likes golf? Was Jack Nicklaus a geek? No, he was a bad ass, and he knew how to golf. Forgive what may be a leap in logic, but the only reason one might say Tiger Woods is a geek is because he's black and he plays golf. That's not fair.

Now show me photos of Tiger Woods eating Cheetos and watching a Battlestar Galactica marathon and we'll talk.

Also, geeks, be sure to put your XBOX controller down long enough to touch that girl. Okay?

Full Court Press

The latest news on the slow death of public discourse is not good.

A former co-chairman of the Republican National Committee is the leading candidate to take over the agency that funds public broadcasting, sparking new concerns among broadcasters about conservative influence over National Public Radio and Public Broadcasting Service programming.

Patricia de Stacy Harrison, a high-ranking official at the State Department, is one of two candidates for the top job at the Corporation for Public Broadcasting and is the favored candidate of the CPB's chairman, Kenneth Y. Tomlinson, according to people close to the search. The CPB is a congressionally chartered agency that directs taxpayer funds to PBS, NPR and hundreds of radio and TV stations.

If you haven't already done so, download Bill Moyer's speech last month in St. Louis. It's about an hour long, but definitely worth the time. (Transcript and Quicktime copy also available here). On a lighter note, Sean Hannity was finally confronted with the truth during an interview with, of all people, a babbling idiot. Enjoy.

ROSIE O'DONNELL: Do you think that we are not raping and torturing the prisoners at –

SEAN HANNITY: No. Do you have any evidence that we are?

ROSIE O'DONNELL: Oh, my God, Sean, don't you see the pictures from Abu Ghraib?

SEAN HANNITY: Where's the evidence?

ROSIE O'DONNELL: Hello?

SEAN HANNITY: There was underwear on the head of one of them. We're not raping and killing anybody.

ROSIE O'DONNELL: Oh, my God. I think you're delusional.

And that, my friends, is the sound of two boobs colliding (NSFW).

Another Day Is Gone Forever

Please don’t trust these links.

LYRC - Hillary Clinton

I've often argued that if Hillary Clinton made a presidential run, she'd lose because Republicans simply hated her way too much. While I still believe that GOP hatred for Hillary is profound, incomprehensible and limitless, I no longer think that her aspirations are doomed as a result. (After all, galvanized hatred for Bush among liberals didn't stop him from becoming president). In fact, I think that circumstances could actually be working in her favor. Republicans have transformed media outlets (cable chat shows, op-ed columns, talk radio, et al.) into their own personal fiefdoms – they are the mainstream media; yet they continue to insist that they are providing an "alternative" to a fictive liberal media. In so positioning themselves, they have created forums where opinion and news are blurred, where demagoguery (as well as racism, homophobia & sexism) is redefined and defended as "entertainment". In this environment, right-wing media personalities have a long and infamous record of slandering and defaming Hillary for sport. Simply put, they are highly prone to make comments about Hillary that are extremely sexist and offensive. All things being equal, that's fine. Hell, it's the American way. But it's hard to imagine that such rhetoric will sit well with right-wing's brand new audience: the mainstream.

Peggy Noonan, Dick Morris and others have written entire books about how terrible Hillary is. Of course, these books mainly focus on ephemeral and subjective assertions about her personality. (In Noonan's case, much of what she's written about Hillary is literally and intentionally fictional). Have these books swayed public opinion? Not if getting elected to the U.S. Senate is any measure of public opinion. For all their disdain for Hillary, there's actually very little – if anything – on which they can hang their ideological hat. Hillary is being discussed with increasing frequency as a potential frontrunner in 2008, and the rhetoric from the right is stuttering and bereft of substance. When they're not making a mockery of her gender, they have surprisingly little to say.

Personally, I know of nothing that should prevent Hillary from running for – or becoming – President of the United States. I could be wrong. But if she ultimately decides to run, I'll take her as-yet-unread autobiography off my bookshelf and see what's inside. It's all academic, however, because we all know that a gay penguin would be a better President than the current occupant of the White House.

ADDENDUM: Here is an excellent example of how Hillary breaks the rules to win at any cost. Her soul is clearly wicked, and this evidence is as damning as any you're likely to find.

Striking terror--best part of the job

Well, Paramount has backed out of the Watchmen movie. Drag. I reckon it'll still get made, one way or another, but this is going to make the wait longer. Read the C.H.U.D. article about it here.


To me, the time seems nice 'n' ripe for Watchmen and V for Vendetta movies, what with the paranoia, and the political corruption, and the slide into fascism n'all. I know it all makes me want to dress up in a pantomime Guy Fawkes costume and blow shit up. Or maybe just walk the streets with a "the end is near" sign by day, then go out at night and throw rapists down elevator shafts. Well, maybe not so much the second one; that's the tricky part about the whole superhero thing--superheros are sort of inherently fascist. The best ones are, anyway. Ah, well--tinkerty-tonk, who's excited about Batman? (The finest of the fascist superheros. That's why we love him. Plus, the added bonus of that little whiff of sexual perversion, what with the suit and all. Don't try to tell me that ol' Bruce doesn't feel as toppy as all get out in that outfit. Lucifer knows I would.)

Hiroshima! Nagasaki!...

...Wikipedia is down for maintenance!

*Stone Hardgod*NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *Stone Hardgod off*

must...take...in...information...

Oh well--guess I'll read a book.

Apple to Use Intel Microprocessors Beginning in 2006

Over the weekend, us Mac fan boys were startled when we read reports that Apple would announce a switch to Intel processors, a brand typically associated with Windows computers. Would this even be possible? Many predicted that Apple would hire Intel simply to fabricate the processors they use now. Macheads suggested this wasn't about processors at all but instead about another Intel technology like WiMax. Rumors of Apple computers running on Intel processors were perennial. I honestly thought that the whole story was bunk.

Crazily enough, it was true. As the press release says, "Apple to Use Intel Microprocessors Beginning in 2006."

Apple is promising two important things:

1. Easy transition for developers. If you've been using Apple's tools for developing software, you can already create a version of your software that runs on an Intel-powered Mac with little effort. Just a few tweaks, and you're solid. If not...


2. Backwards compatibility. Using a technology called Rosetta, Intel-powered Macs will be able to run older software that was created for the PowerPC-powered Macs using processors made by Motorola and, more recently, IBM. Though it was demonstrated today with a behemoth like Photoshop, still, I'll believe this when I see it.

So why bother?

This is all about laptops. IBM can't make a G5 cool enough to put in a Powerbook. Intel makes the best processors and chipsets for notebooks. Done.

Plus, IBM promised a 3GHz G5 two years ago -- they've only gotten to 2.7GHz, and it requires a giant liquid-cooled heatsink. While I still think that PowerPC has huge advantages over x86 for general processing, IBM and Freescale (formerly Motorola's processor division) can't deliver because they don't have enough customers.

(SIDENOTE: XBOX360, PS3, and Nintendo Revolution will ALL have PowerPC processors, but they run commands in series, not out of series, which a general computing processor needs to do in order to handle the multitude of tasks that are thrown at it.)

There are a bunch of Apple Fan-Boys on forums right now screaming about this. Fuck them. My choice to buy a Mac had very little to do with the processor. It's been about the OS and the aesthetics. I use an Apple for the operating system, not for the processor.

Apple has to prove that this transition will be seamless, though. They said that OS X has always supported Intel chips, that it has always supported compiling software for Intel chips, and that the new machines will be able to emulate the old machines with
little loss in speed. That last bit I'm tentative to believe.

OS X will still only run on Apple machines, you can be sure of that. You won't be able to run OS X on a Dell.

So Fan Boys: This is GOOD news, not bad news. If Apple can prove that I won't skip a beat when I upgrade my Powerbook, then you have nothing to worry about, do you?

UPDATE: The press release doesn't do a great job of explaining what actually happened today.

UPDATE 2: Even better.

UPDATE 3: The best way to understand what happened yesterday is to see what happened yesterday: enter the Reality Distortion Field. Furthermore, if you're interested in my speculation on some of the more nerdy details of this switch (as if this post wasn't nerdy enough), read the comments.

And one final comment now that I've slept on it: Remember that this choice has very little to do with the boxes, really; this is about running OS X. Most people who bash Macs nowadays have never used OS X. Now that one will compare the power of Macs one-to-one with PCs, the only thing left for the trolls to bash is OS X, and frankly, they won't have much to argue against. This choice is not bad for Apple or consumers; it's actually fantastic for Apple and consumers. Fan boys, bitch all you want. We'll still get powerful computers running our favorite operating system. We'll just get those powerful computers a little easier, and how is that bad?

SEE?! SEE!?

Again, more evidence for toward my theory.

Wired News: 007 Spacesuit Found in Storage:

The space agency said the suits were used to train Air Force astronauts for a 1960's spy program involving an Earth-orbiting space station known as the Manned Orbiting Laboratory. The station never got off the ground and the program was canceled in 1969, according to NASA.

If they were working for the Cold War machine then, who knows what they are working for now.

How The Lord Loveth

I love it when scientists get snippy:

The creationists’ fondness for “gaps” in the fossil record is a metaphor for their love of gaps in knowledge generally. Gaps, by default, are filled by God. You don’t know how the nerve impulse works? Good! You don’t understand how memories are laid down in the brain? Excellent! Is photosynthesis a bafflingly complex process? Wonderful! Please don’t go to work on the problem, just give up, and appeal to God. Dear scientist, don’t work on your mysteries. Bring us your mysteries for we can use them. Don’t squander precious ignorance by researching it away. Ignorance is God’s gift to Kansas.

While I'm posting, does anyone have a dollar I can borrow? I feel like I've lost my mojo. My heart isn't in it anymore. I'm flagging and I could use a sugar rush. Can anyone spot me a little cash so I can buy a candy bar?

A hundred camels in the courtyard

One of the things I like about Tucson is the haze of surreal insanity that hangs over the place like a cloud of multicolored smoke. I put it down to a combination of the sun, the landscape (I am often reminded, while driving in the desert, that George Herriman set Krazy Kat in Arizona. Even though Krazy, Ignatz, and Offisa Pup played out their eternal triangle in Coconino county, and I'm in Pima county, it still looks pretty much the same as a Herriman Sunday page. Except without the Chinese pagodas...), and the widespread use of drugs and alcholhol 'round these parts. It puts me in mind of Paul Bowles descriptions of Tangiers in the excellent book referenced in the title line of this post.

Last night, there was a doozy of a scene that I'm sorry I missed--though Lisa and I were in the truck at the time, and heard the sirens--what sounded like hundreds of cop cars, seemingly going on for hours. Turns out it was this.

If you can't get to the linked page, here's the short version: 14-year old kid steals earthmover. Drives it from one end of town to the other, right through downtown, and out into the desert. A dozen cop cars chase him the whole way. Kid weaves the bulldozer all over the road, thus preventing the cops from making a jump from their cars to said bulldozer. Out in the desert, kid finally gets aggravated at cops blasting their sirens and harshing his mellow. Kid turns bulldozer around, and heads for the fuzz with blood in his eye. Cop panics, plugs the kid in the shoulder. Chase over, kid is in hospital in critical condition, power knocked out of a big old hunk of the city, due to kid running into a bunch of stuff.

Yeah, the end is kind of a drag, but the mental picture of that kid joyriding in a bulldozer with the entire police force in pursuit gives me great pleasure. Sort of akin to the feeling I get when I think about a wolf in a library, or a marmoset with a glock pistol.

8 GB of Sexy!

My girlfriend (remember her?) just landed a totally kick-ass new job. These USB flash-drive earrings would be a great congratulatory gift if they weren't so fucking stupid.

Deep Throat Induces Gag Reflex

Hey everybody! Peggy Noonan is about to sound off in her affable way about some folksy peccadillo of the secular left! Let's all gather 'round the nuclear family and hear what she has to say:

Some wounds don't fully heal because they're too deep and cut too close to the bone.

Hey, Peggy… old news. I know what you're going to say. You're going to get all cranky about Jane Fonda and that silliness with the North Vietnamese. Look, she's already been spat on by the vets; does she really need to be spat on by you? Because right-wingers and angry vets are boycotting her movie little people are suffering – little people who deserve better. I'm talking about Wanda Sykes. Now that's one funny woman! Don't crush her movie career before it even gets off the ground. Seriously.

The story that Deep Throat was Mark Felt has torn open old wounds.

Oh… SNAP! You totally caught me off guard there. Deep Throat? Wow. I really didn't expect you to jump on that one. Seriously. I thought that you pretty much stuck to defending, lionizing, & beatifying Ronald "The Gipper" Reagan. I never would have guessed that you would unload your pack of backlit, soft-focus, boilerplate syllogisms in defense of Nixon. I'm shocked.

What Mr. Felt helped produce was a weakened president who was a serious president at a serious time.

Felt help to "produce" Nixon? Wow. I always thought that it was Satan's clammy intestines that produced Nixon. Thanks for straightening out that little bit of history for us. I sure do love history.

Nixon's ruin led to a cascade of catastrophic events--the crude and humiliating abandonment of Vietnam and the Vietnamese, the rise of a monster named Pol Pot, and millions--millions--killed in his genocide. America lost confidence; the Soviet Union gained brazenness. What a terrible time.

Holy Shit! You're actually saying that Felt is guilty of causing genocide!! No way. You can't be saying that. That's too much. Hold on a second, I'm going to read that again – I must've mistaken what you said. [Pause] Nope. You said that. Why didn't you say this sooner!? We should've dragged Bob Woodward into court and forced him to name Deep Throat, the horrible killer and perpetrator of crimes against humanity. Why didn't you connect the dots for us sooner? It is because you're a shallow, stupid, deceitful, shabby, partisan douche bag?

Is it terrible when an American president lies and surrounds himself by dirty tricksters? Yes, it is. How about the butchering of children in the South China Sea. Is that worse? Yes. Infinitely, unforgettably and forever.

Yep. You're a douche bag.

[…] Mark Felt cannot have intended to encourage such epic destruction. He must have thought he was doing the right thing, protecting his agency and maybe getting some forgivable glee out of making Nixon look bad. But oh the implications. Literally: the horror.

Which horror are you referring to here fuckwit retard Peggy? The horror of the children being strangled by Mark Felt's bare hands, or the horror of watching a criminal Republican stooge being mocked and stripped of power?

… the MSM will stick with the heroic narrative. Mr. Felt was Deep Throat. Deep Throat was a great man who helped a great newspaper put the stop to the lies and abuses of an out-of-control White House. End of story. Why? Because in celebrating this story in a certain way journalists of a certain age celebrate themselves. Because to bring unwelcome and unwanted skepticism to the narrative would be to deny 20th-century journalism--and 21st-century journalists--their great claim to glory. Because the MSM is still liberal, and the great Satan of all liberals, still, is Richard Nixon.

Nice use of "MSM" for "Main Stream Media" – you're one savvy bitch! But what really floors me is that you seem to be advocating for "unwelcome and unwanted skepticism". (!?) Peggy, Peggy, Peggy. Darling. For someone who flings around acronyms like "MSM" you're woefully ignorant of what's available online – particularly with respect to "unwelcome and unwanted skepticism". Oh, but wait. I'm talking about George W. Bush and Iraq. You're not. Sorry. I forgot about your affection for double-standards and hypocrisy. Besides, you're not talking about the internet. You're talking about the "MSM". Now, here I just have to disagree with you. The "MSM" isn't liberal. That's just a flat-out lie. When you lie like that, you sort of undercut everything you say. It makes you look like a damn fool. And if we've learned nothing else from Deep Throat, we've learned that people who lie should be forced to resign.

I guess I just should have taken Josh Marshall at his word when he said that you're "…actually SwiftBoating this guy." Tsk tsk, you shameless harpy. Tsk tsk.

ADDENDUM: Media Matters on the genocide charge.

Soma Anyone?

Sometimes (like when I'm watching FOX News), I think of America as a large ungulate. Out of habit, instinct, or just plain malice, this hirsute animal produces piping hot turds in quick succession, and before each turd hits the ground, the beast gives it a fierce kick with its rear hoof – transforming waste into weapon. The scorching projectile (lost to the sight of its creator) flies through the vacuum of time; the quintessence of our musky innards let loose upon the world.

My perspective thusly poisoned and deformed by politics, I inevitably seek to heal my lacerated conscience by turning to nature and science: tranquil bastions of beauty and truth. Today, however, the scientific community has betrayed by confidence. Witness:

Exposure to an oxytocin "potion" led people to be more trusting, tests by University of Zurich researchers found.

They say in Nature the finding could help people with conditions such as autism, where relating to others can be a problem.

[…] In the same journal, Dr Antonio Damasio of the Department of Neurology at the University of Iowa College of Medicine, said some may fear the findings could be used by those trying to gain people's trust.

"Some may worry about the prospect that political operators will generously spray the crowd with oxytocin at rallies of their candidates.

"The scenario may be rather too close to reality for comfort, but those with such fears should note that current marketing techniques - for political and other products - may well exert their effects through the natural release of molecules such as oxytocin in response to well-crafted stimuli.

"Civic alarm at such abuses should have started long before this study."

That smokin' hot turd screaming through the air is about to become a horizontal geyser of infectious diarrhea.

Tumbling Tumbleweeds

Tucson, AZ; Sun-damaged hippies. Cactus. Cheap 'frop. Meth labs. Bikers. The air force base means bombers, fighter jets and black helicopters are overhead all the hours there are in the day. Lots of old, rich people, and the corresponding multiplicity of buffet-style eating establishments. Resorts. Casinos. Reservations and barrios.

Home.

For the time being, anyway. We stalled in Orange County--its hard to get a job there if you're not 23, blonde, and beautiful. The trips into LA proper were great, but it took a whole tank of gas to get anywhere. Then, our donut-eating cat, Charlie, showed a marked fondness for my aunt's fresh-baked banana bread, which had been left out on the counter--Aunt Doris gave Charlie the boot, and since we didn't want her (Charlie, that is) out on the streets panhandling and maybe turning to a life of violent crime, we packed up our things and motored back to Tucson, which is Lisa's home town.

I got by for a while working for a party and event decor company. Imagine show load-in and strike on the same day, with lighting insturments and ladders and platforms and the whole magilla. Now add 100+ degree heat. And you're outside. Or maybe in a tent. You get the idea. I thank my dark gods that I found a good temp agency that got me a gig at the University.

We're feeling a little adrift. When I left Chicago, I felt like it would be a cold day in West Heck before I ever wanted to do another play. I find it hard to believe how quickly I changed my tune. I have this crazy idea for an enviromental theatre piece out in the desert--Road Runner and Coyote--move the audience from place to place, plywood set pieces, do it at night and light it like day. Acme Flying Dynamite! But I digress.

I miss acting. I've auditioned for the one equity house out here, and am waiting to hear about callbacks. There's this mega-cheezy family melodrama dinner theatre that I'm totally in love with, but when I tried to get a house management job there, they got all uppity when I balked at the piss test. I keep an eye out for their auditions, but I fear that they will want a cup 'o' pee for acting positions, too. Don't even get me started about the various cowboy-themed tourist traps they got oveh heah--I talked to one of the stunt coordinators for Trail Dust Town; he told me I was grotesquely overqualified for his gig, not to mention the fact that when he described the level of stuntwork for the position, I could almost hear the sound of my bones snapping. Ah, for the days of my "I'm not gonna live to see thirty, so, yeah, let's do a little method combat do you want the chainsaw or the board with the nail through it?" artistic youth.

Sooooo--yeah. Here we are. At least I can post on this damn blog again.

This being my first post in quite a while, I guess I had better at least pay some lip service to our mission, rather than just blabbing about ME, ME, ME!

Politics: You can tell who everyone in this town voted for just by looking at their car bumper. I have never seen so many political bumper stickers in my life. Its tempting to do as the Romans do, but I think I'll just stay with the classic Old Glory and Jolly Roger combo.

Tech/Pop Culture: I managed to get Dungeon Keeper 2 to work flawlessly on a Windows XP machine with Service Pack 2. They said it couldn't be done, but never underestimate the abilities of a sadistic gamer who really, really likes to play the bad guy. Man, I love them Bile Demons!

Contemplating Erections Seriously

Kos has brought to the attention of the universe a bill (S. 1113) being introduced by the likes of Rick Santorum and Trent Lott. It's standard legislation meant to appease prudes:

To provide that no Federal funds may be expended for the payment or reimbursement of a drug that is prescribed for the treatment of sexual or erectile dysfunction.

Dipshits. As Majikthise rightly points out…

This law doesn't just affect sex offenders, nor is it limited to Viagra or other PDE-5 drugs. These legislators obviously don't know or care how their politically-motivated legislation might affect people with serious illnesses and injuries. Viagra-like drugs are atypical amongst treatments for sexual dysfunction because they only provide temporary at high cost and don't treat the underlying condition. Whereas, many of treatments for sexual dysfunction correct anatomical and physiological abnormalities (injuries [including those sustained in combat], hormonal imbalances, etc.).

That all makes good clean sense. However, why the hell can't we simply acknowledge that sexual dysfunction – absent any socially acceptable qualifiers – is "serious"? If, because of an identifiable medical condition, a person cannot have or enjoy a sexual life, I think there's a good chance that such a person would consider their condition to be serious; regardless of whether such condition were atypical. The point here is that these fucktards have no business deciding what kinds of medicines the government will and will not fund based on their own personal fucktard morals. Period. This is no different than everyone jumping all over the NEA because it funded an artist or two whose work they found personally objectionable. In this case, however, the issue isn't being handled through Medicaid or Medicare functionaries; U.S. Senators have decided to micromanage it for the sake of the prudes in their districts. I wonder if these Senators would appreciate it if their constituents passed a ballot referendum stipulating that they could not introduce legislation on a particular topic. Probably not. Furthermore, without a little Viagra from time to time 80% of male porn-jockeys would be out of work. Everyone's got their own kink, but I would rather not have these jobs exported to India.

[From last year - a similar complaint.]

Check out the size of my rocket.

Pardon me for putting on my tin-foil hat again, but I'd just like to remind everyone that NASA is a military organization; if it was solely about science, a Republican administration wouldn't fund it. If they cared about science, stem-cell research would be running full steam ahead. Going to the moon in the 1960s wasn't for scientific research; it was to get there before the Russians and put those commie bastards in their place. With the plans to weaponize space now fairly common knowledge*, and with the real advancements in space travel happening in the private sector, how else do you expect me to think about NASA?

And now that one of the frontrunners for the Senatorial title of Dickweed of the Decade has pledged full funding for useless trips to the Moon and Mars, at least he was honest about the motivation:

"If you ask anyone in this country, 'Do you believe that the United States should cede the moon to say the Chinese, Europeans, Russians, whoever?' I bet you the answer would be, 'No,' he said."

Imperialism. World dominance. Instilling fear. Swinging the collective large phallus of the United States. These are the motivations for funding NASA.

The 2006 budget for NASA is $16,456,300,000. That wad would build a lot of schools and homes, provide quality healthcare to millions, and could perfect the technology for alternative-fueled vehicles. I think DeLay should get is priorities straight.

On the other hand, the current cost of the Iraq war (at of the time of this posting) is about $173,640,350,000. Maybe I should get my priorities straight.

*Yes, I know weaponizing space is an Air Force project (and I've mentioned it before [scroll to the bottom]). However, where do you think the Air Force gets their research for going into space? The National Space and Aeronautics Administration.