Litter Your World With Art

Quick. Click on over to Funnsylvania and watch Rob's latest video. Now that's my kind of good.

Random Photo Match-Up

As a tribute to ladies everywhere, I offer a few more photos for your comparison.

(Photo by Leonard Nimoy)

(A photo I found online someplace that I can't stop looking at even though it causes me actual physical pain when I do)

Giving The Donkey Kick

From Kevin Mattson's article in American Prospect, "Goodbye to All That":

Younger thinkers today are going further back than the ’60s to rediscover good ideas. It’s been the Cold War liberalism of the ’40s and ’50s that has garnered the most interest. Books like Arthur M. Schlesinger Jr.’s The Vital Center or Niebuhr’s The Irony of American History or John Kenneth Galbraith’s American Capitalism seem much more interesting than The Making of a Counter Culture. There’s good reason for this, because though we might feel closer to the ’60s chronologically, our own age is much more parallel to the ’40s. Then, as now, liberals faced an international enemy -- Niebuhr’s “children of darkness” -- willing to murder for salvation. Then, as now, liberals confronted conservatives who entertained dangerous ideas of launching preemptive wars abroad while slashing social programs at home. And, if we take the ’48ers up to 1952 and the election of JFK in 1960, then, as now, liberals were often an opposition party.

[...] The ’48ers, so far as I know, never marched against American actions abroad. What they did do was construct a framework for a liberal foreign policy, a robust alternative to conservative emphasis on military action and “rolling back” the enemy. The idea of containment was not simply a doctrine of realism but a moral disposition toward the demands of national power. America certainly had a strong role to play abroad, the ’48ers argued, but it had to do so with a sense of “humility.” So, for instance, Niebuhr, drawing upon Christian ethics (not yet the sole property of the right), argued against “preventive war.” Those who articulated such an idea “assume a prescience about the future which no man or nation possesses.” He went on to explain, “We would, I think, have a better chance of success in our struggle against a fanatical foe if we were less sure of our purity and virtue.” Learning this lesson required America to work with others to “reconstruct” poorer economies as much as engage with military power. This was to be a war of ideas as well as guns.

Unfortunately, Mattson fails to mention that there has been a largely successful counter-offensive against this "war of ideas" launched by the left, namely the blanket argument that this is a "changed world". A clarion call for nuance and humility in political discourse (as well as in military action abroad) has proven grossly inadequate in our present climate of fear, intimidation, and chest-thumping patriotism. Still, I agree with his larger point that the underpinnings of an intellectually secure position will ultimately pay greater dividends down the line.

If we take these lessons seriously, our biggest challenge moving ahead is how to articulate our opposition to the right’s well-developed agenda while simultaneously developing a public philosophy like that of the ’48ers. The need for this became abundantly clear in the last presidential election. John Kerry lost because Americans didn’t understand what he stood for. They understood him as an opposition candidate but not as someone who had “values” that could be articulated and explained. This wasn’t just Kerry’s problem; it is the problem of liberalism generally. The public perceives liberalism negatively, due to the long war the right waged against it from the 1960s onward. Unlike the ’48ers, we cannot assume that our ideas resonate; we need to make them resonate.

To rearticulate liberal ideals while acting in opposition is not as hard as ?rst appears. Take Social Security. Clearly, Bush is surprised by the backlash against privatization, as he scrambles around the country garnering support. This appears a dream come true for progressives, but it’s much more. It’s a challenge to articulate not just opposition but a public philosophy that can explain what liberals stand for. We shouldn’t defend a program inherited from the New Deal in a rearguard fashion but should reiterate the idea of a shared national purpose based on collective sacri?ce.

Nor should we turn this into a demographic issue and bank on the elderly supporting Democrats; that’s interest-group politics, not a long-range public philosophy. We need to explain what Social Security teaches the nation about deeper principles. Why do Americans react against the term “privatize”? Because there is still a sense of shared obligation to one another, and it’s up to liberals to articulate that public philosophy while they oppose the president. We can show how the president’s proposal re?ects the “social imbalance” the ’48ers perceived, the elevation of the self’s interest above the common good. None of this requires protest. It requires public argument. The time for protest may come, but it will undoubtedly rely on a change of leadership ?rst and serious thinking about strategy later.

Leaving aside for the moment that Republicans will argue that Kerry lost because people understood all too well what he stood for (i.e., being a French-loving pussy who desired nothing more than the unconditional surrender of American sovereignty to a corrupt U.N.) while simultaneously being a "waffler" whose opinions on his own children were incapable of being deciphered, I think we can all agree that the inability to articulate "values" is a "problem of liberalism generally". Personally, I think that the "dream come true" aspect of Bush's inept attacks on Social Security is exactly as Mattson infers; an perfectly timed opportunity to reiterate our core values of shared responsibility and collective strength. Bush has given Democrats the opportunity that they have been unable to create for themselves.

In large portions of his article, Matteson suggests that the Left has largely adopted it's template for political action from late-60's activism. I see his point, but believe that he overstates it. As someone who was born during the Vietnam war, I grew up in a world still wallowing in it's aftertaste. I was fed a steady diet of Vietnam-era films, philosophies, stories, fashions, and mythologies (I was a huge fan of The Doors in high school). Yet the term "pseudo-hippy", as applied to many of my friends and acquaintances, was universally understood as a term of derision. As fascinated as some of my contemporaries were with 60's-era protest movements, the overriding sentiment was this: it was a failed revolution. Hippies were burnouts. Losers. Incompetent sensualists. Why else would it seem like the most natural thing in the world to hang out with Young Republicans in high school? No, the problem wasn't that we were busy learning to emulate a failed movement, it was that so many of us saw it for the colossal failure that it was…and decided to join the winners.

A few years ago I found myself in a commune on Chicago's west side. There were people present who hadn't bathed in eons, who were "traveling", who nobody knew by their given names. The insipid clunking of Bongo drums and the sweet reek of marijuana completed the scene. I had shown up with my girlfriend because we had heard that there was going to be an "event"; a kind of protest/street art thing. We sat around and ate spaghetti and waited. Then we waited. Then we waited some more. Eventually we left before anything actually happened. These were lazy, boring, incompetent people. These people were all that was left of the 60's protest legacy.

The marches and protests against Bush were different. While each person brings his own unique character to a protest, the better portion of people that turned out across the world in opposition to the invasion of Iraq were not hippies for a new century. Mattson is correct insofar as he acknowledges that we haven't developed a meaningful relationship with our own core values, but he is incorrect in ascribing to us the wholesale adoption of failed strategies. There is a time to build your base, and a time to oppose tyranny. One need not hamstring the other.

Makes Me Wanna Barf, Throw My Hands Up And Barf

As heard on The Daily Show, Tan Sleeve's hit single, "Condoleezza Will Lead Us", is now available for just $.99. Or if that doesn't suit your fancy, you can now browse through their wide array of PayPal crap (complete with shitty PayPal instant-.jpg graphics)! Retarded looking bumper sticker? You Bet! Cheap-ass ball cap? No Problem!

One day, God willing, all this craptacular internet swag will be nothing more than fodder for amusing anecdotes of days gone by.

(Gracias Stiggie)

Human Remains Property

How does this relate to the national discussion about the "cuture of life"? Witness:

Two women stole a preserved 13-week-old fetus from an acclaimed exhibit at the California Science Center, authorities said Tuesday.

The fetus, its tissues infused with polymers in a process called plastination to prevent decay indefinitely, was part of a traveling display, "Body Worlds 2: The Anatomical Exhibition of Real Human Bodies."

A surveillance camera captured the women removing the fetus from an unlocked display case on the third floor early Saturday during the round-the-clock closing weekend of the exhibit, police Detective Jimmy Render said.

Personally, I suspect that this is related to Conservative efforts to undermine education and thwart the scientific community.

Dueling Art Shots

So, which do you think is a better photo? Be honest.

(Photo by Georg Suturin)

(My photo of my Easter ham)

I think I have a real eye for beauty, as well as a deep sensitivity to the plaintive longing intrinsic to the human condition, being as we are all burdened by the knowledge of our own mortality. Please, don’t hesitate to give me some candid feedback.

SHOCKER: Right-Wing Rag Tells Truth

Today we have discovered how large a pile of crap has to be before the Republican editorial uber-kahuna is willing to acknowledge that there is, in fact, crap on the floor (NSFW…or anywhere else). As we've seen with the Shiavo case (as well as every other story-of-the-moment since before dirt), GOP faithful detest thinking for themselves and therefore are only too willing have wholly cooked opinions delivered directly into their brains, no assembly required. Now that the Wall Street Journal has (finally) delivered some content regarding America's Favorite Cocksucker that's actually nutritious [please mix these metaphors with caution], maybe we can expect a forthcoming movement of this particular bowel.

Also, I would appreciate it if you could please keep your voice down. I've spent most the day nursing a brutal hangover and am in no mood for your childish antics.

Enjoy this photograph of transvestites on a roller coaster.

Beautiful Catastrophe, Sublime Horror

Shake, Rattle & Roll:

An earthquake measuring a preliminary magnitude of 8.2 struck off the coast of Indonesia.

Somewhere a telethon is being planned. Like other colossal "acts of nature", the fatality of earthquakes seriously obscures our ability to reflect on how absolutely and awesomely cool they are. Still, it's possible. Unlike war, we can – from a respectful distance – admire a monstrous storm, the power of a volcano, or a wicked earthquake. So I'd like to take this opportunity to register my appreciation of this latest reminder that we are but fickle visitors on a king-hell bitch of a planet, you know, before the reports of death and destruction would make such a pronouncement unseemly. As for those of us safely ensconced in the U.S.A., I'd also like to address our inevitable shifting of focus to ourselves:

March seems to be a time for "great" (magnitude 9 and above) U.S. earthquakes. According to USGS seismic data, March saw the two largest earthquakes ever recorded in U.S. history. On March 28, 1964, Prince William Sound (Alaska) experienced a 9.2 magnitude event that took 125 lives and caused $311 million in property loss. On March 9, 1957, the Andreanof Islands, Alaska, felt a 9.1 temblor.

Three or four days left…let's all cross our fingers and hope for the best.

I Don't Mean To Infer

I don't know much. One of the things I don't know anything about is what it's like to lose a child. I hear it's pretty horrible. I also hear that some couples get divorced and/or suffer a wide array of problems in the event of such a catastrophe. It's not improbable that parents who lose a child, or who know that they are about to lose a child, would find a degree of comfort (it's only human) in being seen as martyrs; famous and striving for justice, lavished with sympathy and support, the focus of national attention. I suppose it might be hard to give that up. Real hard. If the President of the United States was a party to your own personal cause, it might even make you think that charging at windmills gives your life meaning. I can understand that. I can understand succumbing to the temptation to make such a tragedy all about yourself and your heroic martyrdom.

Miscellaneous

Before I leave Chicago for a week to enjoy the manufactured, focus-group-approved experiences vaguely similar to "fun" that can only be offered to visitors of Orlando, FL (my Dad has a timeshare, and he wants to share his time with me), and now that I've finally finished my next-to-next-to-next-to-last quarter of school, I wanted to catch up and mention a few things.

1. I designed a new logo for myself in class this quarter. My mom didn't get it.
   
   
   
   I drew the letters myself. The sans-serifs are vaguely similar to Futura, though the A is much wider and the L slightly narrower. The R I'm very proud of. The downstroke of the R could still be smoothed out a little more below the counter, but I think it turned out well. I'm quite fond of the asymetry of the serif and the slab-serif.
   
   
2. A month ago, I offered up a challenge to do something with my handwriting. Two people entered, and I'd like to thank Harry and DJ for doing more than my art-school friends could muster. Harry was first, and clever:
   
   
   
   Thank you, Harry. Your offering made me giggle much. But I'm sorry. DJ won.
   
   DJ's prize: This public mention of his winning-ness.
   
   
3. I honestly don't know how much time I'm going to have on my vacation to do personal stuff (my dad's being very Clark Griswold about the trip, occupying every waking second with activity), but I have a blog to redesign. Please cross your fingers that I can finally make this blog pretty again by the time I'm back. I could use a day of just sitting on a warm back porch with a tall, cold iced tea and a warm Powerbook in my lap and drifting into a Zen of source code.

Hopefully I'll find an internet connection in Orlando so everyone can enjoy the banality of my week.

Life != Living

This may fall in the "Well DUH!" category, but it's on my mind.

The way I see it, the debate over Terri Schiavo has nothing to do with life. Life is something that everything from we as human beings to single-celled parameciums do; we are organic machines that consume and use energy and expel waste until the machine breaks down and no longer functions. If these conversations were about life, we wouldn't give a rat's ass whether or not a machine is on-hand to pump Terri full of nutrients.

The debate is actually about something much harder to discuss: the existence of the soul.

The Bushes believe in the existence of the soul (though, despite all observations, none of them seem to possess one). Terri Schiavo must be kept alive so that the temple that houses her soul remains intact, so that her parents can look into those blank, emotionless eyes and peer into the windows of Terri's soul. It's the exact same reason why so many are opposed to safe and legal abortion; that fetus, with its Macadamia-nut-sized brain and gills that are not evidence of evolution, I swear, has a soul, and how dare someone intentionally kill it?

Corollary to the soul argument is the age-old conflict of science and faith. How do doctors, with their years of book-learnin' and their fancy big words know that Terri's not feeling pain, emotion, or, well, anything? Faith will tell you that inside that useless shell of a person is a beautiful soul that must not be destroyed.

As someone who believes that what we perceive as the "soul" is simply the firing of neurons combined with the anxiety of unanswered questions, I certainly believe that those who think Schiavo should be kept alive are preposterous, and many are the same people who believe evolution is a theory, that abortion is an abomination, and that our soul is transubstantiated from an Earthly carrier of our emotional fiber to either a heavenly being in communion with the Holy Trinity or a charred ember in the Lake of Fire. That's all just silly.

But.. for the sake of further proving these people are on the wrong side of the Schiavo case...

Let's say there is a soul. And let's say that soul and the body that houses it was created by God.

What is the purpose of possessing a soul on this floating rock if we are unable to use it? Our souls are what allow us to bring joy to ourselves and to others. Without souls, we wouldn't make the connections necessary to procreate and bring more souls into our lives. Our souls are what drive us to leave things better than we found them for the next generation. Falling in love or experiencing religious highs or even playing with a puppy—these experiences are what the soul brings us.

Terri Schiavo can experience none of this.

Therefore, doesn't it make more sense to allow Terri's soul to ascend into Heaven? Wouldn't she be happier frolicking on a cloud than laying in a hospital bed? Blessed are the meek, and she's about as meek as it gets.

Furthermore, God made Terri's body; God did not make feeding tubes. This situation is not like abortion, where God created a life. Terri's body is damaged beyond repair, and the tools of man will not save her body. God wants Terri's soul, and if you believe in God so much, you should let God have what He wants.

Of course, I don't believe in a soul or God or any of those myths that we dreamt up to fill in those anxiety-causing gaps I mentioned earlier. However, I do believe that just because someone is alive does not mean she is living. If you aren't living, you might as well be dead.

What irks me the most is the hypocrisy. God has dominion over nature, but Christians are keeping a brain dead women alive by artificial means. Marriage is a sacred, sanctified tradition, but this woman's husband doesn't know what his wife would want. And as Low Culture recently observed, it's an awful thing to let die a woman who has no control over her actions, but it's perfectly justified to execute a man who has no control over his actions.

No matter how one looks at the situation, there's really only one conclusion: it's time for Terri's body to die. Her parents should be comforted by the quaint notion that they will see their daughter again soon.

Answering The Ineffable

This is why the internet exists.

Re-Imagining Apple

Here's something for the mac junkies. Just because there hasn't been a mac-related post in awhile.

Monkey See Monkey Take

A new development in our ongoing efforts to understand the mysteries of psychological evolution and thereby unveil the paternity of "evil" - Thieving Rhesus Monkeys:

Psychologists from Yale University … have conducted a series of six experiments during which [Rhesus] monkeys could swipe a grape either from someone who was looking the other way, or from someone who was clearly looking right at the coveted grape.

Almost invariably the monkeys stole the grape from the human whose eyes were either blocked or averted.

There you have it. As for the human animal, check out this fun graphic (from this article, which I previously posted). See? We primates are all one big family.

(Gracias eponymagain).

NOTE: If this post failed to capture your interest, please accept my apology. As a gesture of my contrition, I hope you enjoy this IKEA commercial.

Contempt For Court

I'm sorry to even bring this up, but there is a good point buried in what follows. From the NYT, Supreme Court Rejects Request to Reinsert Feeding Tube:

A short time ago, George Felos, the lawyer for Mr. Schiavo, said he was "grateful" for the Supreme Court decision.

"It should become obvious to everyone and every observer that the entire judicial system of the United States, the state courts in the state of Florida, the entire federal judiciary, has said, this case must end, this case is over," Mr. Felos told reporters. "Mrs. Schiavo's legal rights have been ruled on again and again and again. The courts have consistently found that she did not want to remain alive artificially.

With that out of the way, let's take a look at this analysis:

Next month, the President’s judicial nominees will be debated on the floor of the U.S. Senate, many of them for the second time after being filibustered by Democrats in the 108th Congress. The nominees in question are no less radical than the first time they were nominated, but due to losses in the 2004 elections, the Democrats’ ability to stop them appears in serious jeopardy.

…the focus-group tested cry of “activist judges” will gain volume with Terri Schiavo as its martyr, a process now underway on each of the 24 hour news channels. And despite the overwhelming majority of Americans who believe that the Florida courts have done the right thing to date, the Republican talking points will no doubt take hold and influence the coming judicial debate.

…With the possibility that failure in this round will bring them bigger success when the confirmation fight begins, Terri Schiavo is worth more to Republicans dead than alive.

This view of the matter, which might otherwise sound far-fetched and conspiratorial, actually makes perfect sense in light of similar strategies employed by Republicans in the 2004 election; specifically the manipulation of the gay marriage debate to inspire widespread fear of the judiciary. The images and stories of people getting arrested for "trying to give water" to Terri Schiavo are obviously calculated to make judges look like Nazis. They're trying to extend executive and legislative power by eviscerating the judiciary. That's the whole point. These bastards need to be stopped.

Pull The Plug On Yourselves Already

Today Atrios posted this, which carries on (again) about Carla Sauer Iyer and Dr. William Hammesfahr. Good lord. This is embarrassing.

This Post Is Pointless

(Source)

I'm sorry. This is a totally gratuitous post. Have a nice day.

I Gots Me Ideas How You Should Die Too

Leave As You Friggin' Please

It's the Schiavo case 'round-the-clock. We all know that the Republican Congress is but a fascistic arm of an evil and demented President, but their behavior in this case is truly amazing. The plight of poor Ms. Shaivo has been upstaged by the naked aggression and tyranny of our nation's most worthless and power-hungry politicians. They talk about the sanctity of marriage and then seek to bulldoze right over the legal rights granted to Ms. Shaivo's husband. But that's to be expected, their hypocrisy when it comes to "family values" is legendary. It seems to me, however, that an oft overlooked facet of this latest development in legislative imbecility is the encroachment of governmental definitions of what qualifies as life or death. Hell and damnation with what we, the people of this nation, think – Bush and his shitball cronies have decided not only that they are more morally capable of drawing a distinction of what constitutes life (be it embryonic, vegetative, or cryogenically suspended), but that they're going to force their nonsense on the rest of us. Bush recently said this:

This is a complex case with serious issues but, in extraordinary circumstances like this, it is always wise to err on the side of life.

Hey fart-huffer, it's actually wise not to "err" at all. One really easy way to avoid "erring" would be to shut your yap and go clear brush at your fake ranch.

Disclaimer & Excuse

I have nothing to post today that is worth a damn.

Dead People On Parade

I went to The Museum of Science and Industry today and saw Gunther von Hagens' Body Worlds exhibit (which is now around 8 years old and has been seen around the world).

Here's a description of the most spectacular installation, “Rearing Horse and Rider”:

This is a plastinated stallion and a plastinated man. The horse is rearing in the classical pose of a war-horse. The massive body is elegantly balancing on the strong back legs. The front legs are bent as if the horse was about to leap forward in a right side gallop; (the right leg higher and before the left). The only thing left of the stallion’s red coat is a belt leading from the crown of its head to the tip of the hindquarters including the ears, mane and tail. The rest of the body is bare muscles and ligaments. The right side of the horse’s muscle-threaded torso is opened to show the gut and the neck is sliced to reveal the windpipe. The left side is opened to unveil the spine as well as the skull. The chest is sliced to expose the massive cardiovascular system of an animal of this size.

A skinless man is placed in a rider’s position leaning forward holding in his left had the horse’s brain and his right double sliced arm he carries his own brain in the muscle part and a horse whip in the skeleton part. He is sliced in three vertical planes; the fist showing his front side, middle slice revealing his internal organs and the final section showing his backside. The muscles are attached to the spine but are cut at the attachment at the side of his body. The back muscles are then bent out and up from the torso.

Check it out if you get the chance, it’s not something that can be easily forgotten.

Happy 1,095th Post!

I missed it by 95 since Blogger's Dashboard doohickey is broken and isn't accurately reporting the total posts.

Nevertheless, LYRC has surpassed 1,000 posts, and I'm totally giddy about it.

I have 67.6% of the total posts to Kelly's 30.3% (Richard and Temple account for a scant 3.2%). Since Kelly joined, it's been pretty evenly split between the two of us (my 51% to his 46.3%).

Now, take a look at this colorful chart:



Graphtastic!

Thanks for reading. Tell your friends. Tip your bartender.

From Popov to Smirnoff in Under a Minute

Just received a very random e-mail from friend-o'-th'-blog Stigmutha:

If you're running out of money but still want a smooth vodka, buy the cheap stuff and run it through a Brita Water four or five times. This essentially refines the alcohol by removing toxins.

Anyone wish to corroborate?

Overheard

During my lunch break I walked over to the nearby Borders to purchase some merchandise. Jose Canseco was there signing copies of his book, "Juiced". The line was terribly short, considering how much Chicagoans love sports. I guess when your claim to fame involves injecting steroids directly in the ass cheeks of Mark McGwire you're probably not going to draw the crowd of, say, Clay Aiken. But the funny thing was this: as I passed a woman on the escalator, she tucked her signed copy of "Juiced" into her purse and said to her husband, "…and that's why I decided to get a copy. It's not because of his sparkling personality, he actually kinda stinks."

A few paces away from the slugger an employee was having a conversation with a customer. The customer, an employee at Fox, said, "Yeah, it's for charity. I had to get a copy signed for a charity event we're holding. He was at our offices this morning, but he didn't sign shit. So I had to come down here."

I got nothin'.

I've really got nothing today. I'm busy with projects for work and school.

So please enjoy this photo of four grown women doing a keg-stand.



Wow. Slow day.

The Internet Confuses Me

Why do the folks at low culture play mind games with us?

Bomb Armed! Bomb Planted!

Killing Spree!

Director Jeff Steitzer returns returns to Village Theatre, where he previously directed Making Tracks, Brigadoon, Camelot, Ten Little Indians, The Tempest, The Miser, Eleano, Oliver!, Cabaret, The Mask of Moriarty, After the Fair, and Driving Miss Daisy. In the past 27 years, he has directed over 150 professional productions including World Premieres by Stephen Dietz, Jon Klein, Barbara Field, and John Olive, and U.S. Premieres by David Edgar, Peter Barnes, and Alan Ayckbourn. Recent productions include A Death In The House Next Door To Kathleen Turner's House for Atlanta 's Alliance Theatre, Jumpers at ACT, and Two Gentleman of Verona for the San Jose Rep. In addition to his directing, Jeff is a busy actor who has worked in movies, TV, radio and industrial films. Most recently he was seen in George Bernard Shaw's John Bull's Other Island for GEVA Theatre, as Garroway in Over The Moon at Arizona Theatre Company, and as Senex in …Forum at The 5th Avenue. He can also be heard in the Microsoft Xbox games Halo and Halo 2.

Falling in Love

Download this. It’s been circulating for a while, but I didn’t post it because I thought it was too cool to post. Way too awesome. And it is. But download it anyway.

ADDENDUM: Speaking of love...

7:35 in the morning

I haven't been able to watch this on my computer at work because my computer at work is a corporate tool, and it demands that the IT department install all software upgrades and suchlike. So I finally watched it at home. It's good. If you haven't seen it, take a few minutes and watch it. Here it is: 7:35 in the morning.

Eat a Stick of Butter for Democracy!

Randomly found while perusing Google News:

University of Illinois at Chicago researchers Wednesday reported the rise in obesity will result in a drop in life expectancy.

Professor S. Jay Olshansky's team, writing in the March 17 issue of the New England Journal of Medicine, said obesity currently reduces life expectancy by four to nine months.

The researchers said the life-span effects of obesity could rise two to five years in the next 50 years, possibly exceeding the current life-shortening effects of cancer or heart disease.

Most life-span forecasts are based on historical trends, which the researchers said fail to consider the obesity epidemic.

They noted obesity actually could help keep Social Security solvent because people will die younger.

"One of the consequences of our prediction is that Social Security does not appear to be in nearly as bad a shape as we think," Olshansky said.

"The obese may be inadvertently 'saving' Social Security, but the obese themselves and the healthcare system that cares for them will pay a very heavy price in terms of higher death rates and escalating healthcare costs."

That'a got me to thinking about ways to help Social Security that aren't in the raise-the-retirement-age category or the invest-in-private-accounts category. Really, the only way for Social Security truly to balance the amount of money it takes in with the amount it pays out is to reduce the number of people receiving a Social Security check, right?. Therefore, other than making everyone fat, here are three additional plans to assist our Social Security system that I believe Republicans and Democrats will both appreciate:

1. Distribute contraceptives, but only in poor urban areas. Reduces population, thus number of people collecting unemployment social security benefits. [I was typing way to fast. Sorry.] Would be approved because the Left is pro-birth-control and the Right is anti-poor-people.
2. Stage a massive terrorist attack that obliterates the entire state of Florida. Republicans don't need it to win elections anymore, and they love blowing shit up. Democrats can become pro-Military after another "attack." The state usually splits around 50/50 in voting, so that's a safe bet. And mass quantities of old people who were going to die any day now will no longer need those checks. Added bonus: Disneyworld removed from the face of the earth.
3. Blue states secede from the union and become part of Canada. The North can bring sorely needed jobs and resources to Canada, and Canada brings the social responsibility Blue states are pining for. The Conservative South can then do anything they want—private accounts, prayer in schools, slavery—all of the things us city-folk said were "bad."

In conclusion, if we all get fat, if poor folks stop making babies, if we blow up Florida, and we Northerners get out of the South's backyard, Social Security, and social security, for that matter, will be saved.

Thank you. Vote for Arlo.

Goodbye Thursday, You've Been Forgotten

I'm not busy doing anything today but flitting around from website to website.

Cultural Substance Abuse And Other Perils of Youth is a good read.

Storm the House is a stupid but addictive game.

Here's a sad article about Pink Floyd and Jesus Christ.

Charity begins at Homo sapiens, however, is an excellent read. I highly recommend this one.

If you have the inclination, check out the Secret History of the Credit Card:

If you've ever looked at the return address on your statement, you may notice your credit card issuer is located in a state such as South Dakota or Delaware. That's because these are the states that have either weak or no "usury laws" meaning there is no cap on the interest rate that is charged. … The federal government once had national usury laws that set a cap on the amount of interest that could be charged on a loan. But after the Great Depression, it repealed them and some states put no new usury laws in place. That's why Citibank, the issuer of Mastercard, moved to South Dakota, which has no cap on interest rates.

Finally, here's Funnsylvania's Fun with Search Queries

It's Drinking Night For Amateurs

Hookin' Up With Hootch (source)

It's St. Patrick's Day, so take a minute to watch three cops getting tasered, head to a pub and have a pint. Start some conversation with some self-annihilating sentences, then commence hurling.

Cypher Had It Right

Here it is:

Amid the backdrop of soaring oil and gasoline prices, a sharply divided Senate on Wednesday voted to open the ecologically rich Alaska wildlife refuge to oil drilling, delivering a major energy policy win for President Bush.

The Senate, by a 51-49 vote, rejected an attempt by Democrats and GOP moderates to remove a refuge drilling provision from next year's budget, preventing opponents from using a filibuster -- a tactic that has blocked repeated past attempts to open the Alaska refuge to oil companies.

The action, assuming Congress agrees on a budget, clears the way for approving drilling in the refuge later this year, drilling supporters said.

Well, what did you expect? Environmentalists lose so many battles that their opponents accuse them of actually wanting to lose; of being addicted to the victim mentality. This is reality. People don’t give a flaming shit about the environment, or the flora & fauna that live in it. All we are left with now are excuses. Bullshit arguments about how progress and human ingenuity will somehow save the world, even as we plow under species at a rate that qualifies as a major extinction event:

The five largest mass extinctions in Earth's history occurred during:

The late Ordovician period (about 438 million years ago) - 100 families extinct - more than half of the bryozoan and brachiopod species extinct.

The late Devonian (about 360 mya) - 30% of animal families extinct.

At the end of the Permian period (about 245 mya) - Trilobites go extinct. 50% of all animal families, 95% of all marine species, and many trees die out.

The late Triassic (208 mya) - 35% of all animal families die out. Most early dinosaur families went extinct, and most synapsids died out (except for the mammals).

At the Cretaceous-Tertiary (K-T) boundary (about 65 mya) - about half of all life forms died out, including the dinosaurs , pterosaurs, plesiosaurs, mosasaurs, ammonites, many families of fishes, clams, snails, sponges, sea urchins and many others.

Oh yeah, and now.

But fuck it. Right? Let's stage an SUV parade to show just how determined we are to rape the planet. [pause] Okay. I'm sorry. I'm going crazy, aren't I? I'm just being an environmentalist "wacko". I need to calm down and contemplate how the great economic victory over the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge will help America become even more number one. I'm obviously getting all angry about this because I'm a stupid liberal do-gooder who doesn't understand how the world works. I need to fix that. I need to take some time to try to reorient my worldview, because if the world works how I'm currently thinking that it works...I'm not sure I want to be a part of it.

It's a rather boring night.

Japanese fetishism has gone too far.

ADDITIONALLY: There's also Handicapped Wrestling.

Tune In For Thoughts On Bullshit

Apparently, Jon Stewart has taped an interview with Harry G. Frankfurt about his book, On Bullshit.

One of the most salient features of our culture is that there is so much bullshit. Everyone knows this. Each of us contributes his share. But we tend to take the situation for granted. Most people are rather confident of their ability to recognize bullshit and to avoid being taken in by it. So the phenomenon has not aroused much deliberate concern. We have no clear understanding of what bullshit is, why there is so much of it, or what functions it serves. And we lack a conscientiously developed appreciation of what it means to us. In other words, as Harry Frankfurt writes, we have no theory.

Frankfurt, one of the world's most influential moral philosophers, attempts to build such a theory here. With his characteristic combination of philosophical acuity, psychological insight, and wry humor, Frankfurt proceeds by exploring how bullshit and the related concept of humbug are distinct from lying. He argues that bullshitters misrepresent themselves to their audience not as liars do, that is, by deliberately making false claims about what is true. In fact, bullshit need not be untrue at all.

Rather, bullshitters seek to convey a certain impression of themselves without being concerned about whether anything at all is true. They quietly change the rules governing their end of the conversation so that claims about truth and falsity are irrelevant. Frankfurt concludes that although bullshit can take many innocent forms, excessive indulgence in it can eventually undermine the practitioner's capacity to tell the truth in a way that lying does not. Liars at least acknowledge that it matters what is true. By virtue of this, Frankfurt writes, bullshit is a greater enemy of the truth than lies are.

Should be an interesting interview.

Because It's Tuesday

Here's some video of a busted utilities band and a guy taking a dump on the MGM Grand. Speaking of dumps, here's a video of American soldiers conducting an ambush in Iraq.

ADDITIONALLY: What makes New York ever greater? Beard papa's.

Will Arlo Wear Taffeta?

Hot off the presses:

A judge ruled Monday that California's ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional, saying the state could no longer justify limiting marriage to a man and a woman.

In the eagerly awaited opinion likely to be appealed to the state's highest court, San Francisco County Superior Court Judge Richard Kramer said that withholding marriage licenses from gays and lesbians is unconstitutional.

``It appears that no rational purpose exists for limiting marriage in this state to opposite-sex partners,'' Kramer wrote.

The judge wrote that the state's historical definition of marriage, by itself, cannot justify the denial of equal protection for gays and lesbians.

``The state's protracted denial of equal protection cannot be justified simply because such constitutional violation has become traditional,'' Kramer wrote.

Perfectly reasonable. What does this mean for conservatives? It means they ought to shitcan their rhetoric about "activist judges". This is exactly the kind of ruling that will propel a case to the Supreme Court. Bush called for a constitutional amendment not because of "activist judges" (as he indicated), but because he knows that there is no current constitutional basis for denying the right of gay people to marry; if there were, the Supreme Court would simply rule on the issue and be done with it. Like the judge in San Francisco, however, no Supreme Court judge will be able to draw any constitutional arguments to deny equal protection. Hence the necessity of an amendment to the constitution. Thankfully, most people don't support such an amendment. And so the showdown is kicked up a notch, with a happy outcome not only possible – but likely.

On Petitioning The Lord With Prayer

My last post was a little hard on religious people, and might be viewed by some as being hostile toward the concepts of inclusion and tolerance. While I don't disclaim any portion of what I wrote, I would like to extol a significant virtue of institutionalized faith: there's something out there for everyone.

The Ascent Of Primitive Man

Your Alternative Is Bogus

The time has come to revisit one of my pet peeves: Creationism. The latest recap comes in the form of this article in the Washington Post. Witness:

Propelled by a polished strategy crafted by activists on America's political right, a battle is intensifying across the nation over how students are taught about the origins of life. Policymakers in 19 states are weighing proposals that question the science of evolution.

The proposals typically stop short of overturning evolution or introducing biblical accounts. Instead, they are calculated pleas to teach what advocates consider gaps in long-accepted Darwinian theory, with many relying on the idea of intelligent design, which posits the central role of a creator.

The growing trend has alarmed scientists and educators who consider it a masked effort to replace science with theology. But 80 years after the Scopes "monkey" trial -- in which a Tennessee man was prosecuted for violating state law by teaching evolution -- it is the anti-evolutionary scientists and Christian activists who say they are the ones being persecuted, by a liberal establishment.

Well, in one sense the anti-evolutionary "scientists" are right – they are being persecuted.

Persecution: The act or practice of persecuting on the basis of race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, or beliefs that differ from those of the persecutor.

It is only right and proper to oppress ignorance, stupidity, superstition, and religious indoctrination. Such obstacles to human progress ought to be aggressively persecuted – just as crime, poverty, racism and tyranny should be persecuted. Of course, in order to endorse the use of this term, one must have "belief" in facts; kind of an odd rhetorical trick, but screw it. Whatever works. Let's get back to the program.

A prominent effort is underway in Kansas, where the state Board of Education intends to revise teaching standards. That would be progress, Southern Baptist minister Terry Fox said, because "most people in Kansas don't think we came from monkeys."

This is striking evidence that most people in Kansas are fools. Here are some excellent charts and graphs which will help explain exactly which monkeys ("old world", Ardipithecus ramidus, etc.) we descended from. Even the advocates of "Intelligent Design" acknowledge (albeit reluctantly) that homo sapiens didn't emerge fully grown from the thigh of Zeus (as it were), but did – in fact – evolve from earlier species of primates. Their particular brand of foolishness stems from the cockamamie belief that Jesus (or some divine busybody) was making it all happen from bunker in outer space. Jackasses.

Polls show that a large majority of Americans believe God alone created man or had a guiding hand. Advocates invoke the First Amendment and say the current campaigns are partly about respect for those beliefs.

Sorry, dimwits. You're barking up the wrong tree. There will be no respect for those beliefs. Those beliefs are medieval.

Cindy Duckett, a Wichita mother … believes public school leaves many religious children feeling shut out. Teaching doubts about evolution, she said, is "more inclusive. I think the more options, the better."

"If students only have one thing to consider, one option, that's really more brainwashing," said Duckett, who sent her children to Christian schools because of her frustration. Students should be exposed to the Big Bang, evolution, intelligent design "and, beyond that, any other belief that a kid in class has. It should all be okay."

See that? According to Cindy, kids should be taught the evils of miscegenation, that winking causes AIDS, smoking is good for you, and all other varieties of "belief". Hey, the more "inclusive" the better, right? I wonder if Cindy would mind if I distributed leaflets advocating that she be burned at the stake, you know, to teach the kids a lesson about how the soul can be purified by fire.

"If you believe God created that baby, it makes it a whole lot harder to get rid of that baby," Fox said. "If you can cause enough doubt on evolution, liberalism will die."

And all those free-thinkers too. Jesus H. Christopher God.

---

This monstrosity of an article was brought to my attention by my friend, Mark, who mused on the benefits of Canadian living. Well, for what it's worth, this morning my television told me that there's an effort being made in Canada to declare a national "Steak and Sex Day". That sounds alright with me; a welcome antidote to the savage stupidity of the American mind.

All Those Who Love Me Get On The Phone

How did we miss this? Gene Scott died last month. There ought to have been a moment of silence. Ah well, I guess a moment of lunatic mania will have to suffice. RIP you weird little fart of a man.

I single-handedly made you this lasagna.

Via The Misanthropic Bitch's latest email transmission, and in response to the recent story concerning a delicious student prank, I was pleased finally to find a book that answers a complaint I've had for years: Why can't my food be saltier and invoke an aftertaste of bleach?

(We've covered this before, by the way, ad nauseum—emphasis on the "nauseum.")

And But So At Least I Have The Ads

I read this article about hyperlinks in the latest cover article in Atlantic by David Foster Wallace ("Host"). I like Wallace's work, and the article sounded interesting, so I bought the magazine. However, I recommend that you avoid spending your money needlessly. Just click here for the entire article in PDF. I wasted $5. Damn.

Nicole DeHuff, 1974 - 2005

Too young. Horrible tag line: "memorably took a volleyball in the face from Ben Stiller". Nobody deserves that. Moment of Silence.

Starry Eyed With Pain & Longing

Anatomy of a Hump

It is well known that there is one thing that celebrities are not entitled to in any measure, and for which they therefore desperately petition us: pity. A similar longing for unearned pity grips us all, to one degree or another, during certain periods of our lives. Specifically, I’m referring to sex. That's right. Sex. Every time people get together to commiserate and/or share war stories pertaining to their dating miseries, protracted celibacy, or erotic yearnings, what they're really doing is petitioning for one another's sympathy; for no purpose but to be engulfed in warm waves of pity. After all, what other option does one have? Sexual rejection constitutes the most dreaded (and universal) condition of modern life. The horrible paradox of such rejection is that there is no recourse, no socially acceptable alternative, no exit. While there is a certain amount of sympathy available to the abstentious, it is a mere pittance of what is required. Yet such sympathy is continually sought out as if it were the only balm capable of soothing the pain engendered by the absence of affection. The result? Guilt. To admit to being emotionally desiccated due to an utter lack of human tenderness or physical contact is to admit (a) spiritual weakness, (b) reproductive failure, (c) general unlikability, and (d) untreatable malaise. And the guilt spreads like an infection. People try to set up their single friends with dates for one reason only: to get the monkey off their own backs. There's nothing as disquieting or as unnerving as a perpetually single friend who is perpetually rejected in their suits for romance. Loneliness can fester into a mental illness that not only impedes the ability to function in normal social circumstances, but also slowly erodes the goodwill of those most predisposed to be sympathetic. It is in this regard that the closest that many of us will ever come to experiencing celebrity is being horny.

You're Fired!

Come fuck me on my king size bed cushioned with money.

(Aren't you proud of me for using a pop culture reference for the title?)

There is one reason and one reason only for firing someone -- you've cost the company money.

You stole office supplies? You're fired.

Screwed a big account? You're fired.

Blog too much? You're fired. (Eek.)

You sexually harrassed a co-worker? Uh...

Okay, think of it this way -- now the corporation has to make up for lost time and productivity due to the psychological trauma inflicted upon the harrassed co-worker, not to mention the therapy bills and restitution that the corporation will pay so that they aren't sued and the whole thing gets dragged into court, smearing the name of the company and causing stock prices to plummet. You cost the company money by behaving like an asshole to the hot chick in accounting. You're fired.

So what of consensual sex?

If you screw someone at the office, like the former CEO of Boeing did, so what? It's up to you to deal with the ramifications of that and be responsible. If the relationship ends and you can't perform your job with your ex-lover working in the adjacent cubicle, you quit or you're fired.

Perhaps Stonecipher (an odd name meaning "Rock Hard Nothing") took his relationship too far; perhaps there is a harrassment that Boeing's trying to cover up; maybe Boeing knew that because of what their CEO did, which may very well be more than we currently know, they knew they would lose money. Fine.

But if we take this at face value -- two executives liked to hit it doggy style on the road -- then I think Harry got shafted.

As for me, I don't shit where I eat, and I certainly try not to fuck there, either.

Deathbed of Paradise

I have to take shower and drink an enormous cup of coffee. But before I do, I needed to post the link to this article: Extinction threat for Andaman natives.

Cotton-Pickin' Varmits

I'll be honest with you: I have no idea why I'm bloggingthis article about US cotton subsidies. Maybe it's a cry for an explanation from someone who knows more about it than me. Maybe its because the WTO gets indiscriminately shit on by hippies that hate anything corporate and now the WTO seems to be doing something to make trade equitable for depressed countries, which is their whole point of existing in the first place. Or maybe I just wanted to make the observation that after nearly a century-and-a-half, the powers-that-be in the United States are still making life awful for foreigners (Africans and, in this case, Brazilians) that pick cotton. Nevertheless, as much as I believe some sort of subsidies are necessary to keep American farmers out of abject poverty, doesn't the US need to do something to keep the rest of the world from hating us more? See, I'm far too uninformed to comment on this. So read this. I know governing is hard, but lack of common decency seems to make it harder.

All God's Creatures, Including Viruses

As my mind drifts off into the balmy oblivion of a medicated slumber, I thought it would be nice if we took a quick look at how the animals are doing. Let’s start with this dispatch from Colorado:

A 40-year-old woman described as a transient was jailed in Grand Junction -- accused of jumping a fence to wrestle naked with a dog.

An arrest affidavit indicated that Katherine Earle scaled the four-foot fence just before midnight Tuesday, then stripped in order to wrestle with the male Labrador retriever-blue heeler mix.

Residents of the home awoke from the noise and called police.

Responding officers said Earle told them she was having sex with the dog, and that she does it all the time. The dog's owner, Six Starr, said that Earle has been friendly with the dog, but that Earle has been acting strangely for the past six months.

I don’t know what that tells us about anything, but like I said...my judgment is shot. Be that as it may, here’s this story about a poor little kitty:

[Torri] Hutchison was driving along Interstate 15 one day recently when a motorist kept trying to get her attention and pointing to the roof of her car. She said she was wary of the man, but wondered if perhaps her ski rack might have come loose.

She pulled over to the side, but kept her doors locked and the motor running.

The man pulled up behind her. Hutchinson rolled down her window to hear the man frantically shouting, "Your cat! Your cat!"

He reached for the roof of her car and handed the shocked Hutchinson her orange tabby.

She had driven about 10 miles with the cat on top of the car, and didn't even notice the feline when she stopped for gas.

Now, I wonder how they got that story and why they decided to run it. Could it be substantiated? Was there evidence? Or was this whole thing just a convincing story somebody heard? Ah, screw it. My Way is a property of Ask Jeeves Inc., and is constantly culled by Drudge in support of his Freeper bullshit. What does this have to do with kitties? I don’t know. I’ve had a great deal of medicine and a there’s a rather gummy clot of mucus lodged somewhere between my sinuses and my larynx. I’m going to bed.

Horseplay or Dementia: You Decide!

I'm only posting this link because I have the flu and my judgment has collapsed in on itself. Expect more illness-induced posts soon. Whenever I cough my left nut shoots up into my pelvis and my skull emits a high-pitched wheezing noise.

Point / Counterpoint: Social Security

The Tranquility of Age

Pilot Steve Fossett (60) has become the first person to fly solo nonstop round-the-world:

With a crowd and marching band to greet him, Fossett landed at Salina Municipal Airport around 2:49 p.m. ET.

Fossett, his legs a little wobbly, stepped out of the cockpit and hugged his wife, as well as his flight financier, Virgin Atlantic founder Richard Branson.

Elderly Wal-Mart greeter punched in the face while at work:

Shirley Barker, 68, works as a greeter, saying hello to customers walking in and checking the receipts of customers walking out. Last Saturday morning, a man ruined her day early.

"He approached. He walked by. He just rolled up his fist and then just went pow," said Barker, demonstrating a punch. "He said nothing to me at all."

Barker says she spit blood for three days and had bruises all over her face. She's home on sick leave for now, but she says she's not scared to return to work.

ADDENDUM: More news regarding elderly people in pain:

For more than six hours yesterday a 92-year-old Harlem woman banged on the walls and desperately screamed for help after she was impaled on a bathtub faucet, officials said.

…Two neighbors finally used a key to get into the 8th-floor apartment and found Thelma Riley naked with a four-pronged metal faucet knob stuck in her lower back.

Dry Heaves From The Literati

The people over at the Harper's Index have either gone a little bats or are on vacation; maybe giving the interns a shot at the big time. Usually a funny and disturbing collection of ephemera from around the globe, the tongue is now venturing out of the cheek and spouting outright activism:

Phone number of The G.I. Rights Hotline, a nongovernmental service for U.S. military personnel : 800-394-9544

Further, just when you thought Harper's couldn't be more snarky, they’ve gone and out-snarkied themselves:

Number of House members in 1979 who voted against making Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday a national holiday: 133

Number who are still in the House: 9

Number who are Vice President : 1

Oh snap! Or maybe not. Pull it together guys. Really.

American Buffalo Chip Redux

Roy Rockwood - Pseudonym?

Everyone would benefit from nursing a conceptual enmity with someone who has ascended the mountain tops of worldly success. It's the American way, and it's good for you. Rather than diffusing remorse and shame for your own shortcomings into a generalized disdain for your betters (a meager act of psychological transference and hardly deserving of praise), I find that channeling my aspirations and fears into a targeted, focused, and monomaniacal hatred for a few notable individuals helps to clarify my own plight. Most people are familiar with this mental strategy through their involvement in politics (i.e., hating Bush drew people into the national debate and helped them to understand the issues). While this kind of negativity must be emitted responsibly and in moderation, it is nonetheless necessary for the healthy functioning of our emotional lives. One such repository of my existential loathing has long been David Mamet. While I've never met the man (and likely never will), I nevertheless permit myself the luxury of regarding him as little more than a seething mating ball of contemptible, ego-centric, talentless ineptitude. While I have enjoyed some performances of Mamet's work, I could never understand how someone so profoundly out of touch with humanity, cocooned so snugly in his own ass, could create a reputation for himself as an adept chronicler of the human condition. And so it was with great relish that I read the review in the New York Times of his newest play, "Romance":

"...'Romance' fits into that unloved category that might called be the Work of Contempt, created when an artist becomes weary of hearing about his limitations and perhaps equally weary of working within them."

"...he is pushing an envelope that has already been through the shredder."

"...for all its madcap frenzy, 'Romance' feels fatigued from the get-go. At their considerable best, Mr. Mamet's plays provide shots of full-strength theatrical adrenaline. This one has the impact of an over-the-counter sleeping pill."

Normally not one to gloat over bad reviews, I can't help but feel a little vindicated; which is the best that an unsuccessful little pissant like me can do. Like my mom always said, "Whatever you do, do your best". As an interesting sidebar, "Romance" is an exceedingly gay play about lispy, limpwristed stereotypes prancing about and making jackasses of themselves.

Star Wars Episode III: A Lost Hope

Episode III will hopefully be half as good as this, which would make it better than Episode I, for sure.

(Thanks, Harry.)

UPDATE: Changed the link. Seems the server was getting hammered. Use one of the listed mirrors.