Smile While You Can

From CNN.com: "a new Quinnipiac poll says that of the 16 percent of Florida voters who cast their ballots early, Kerry trounced Bush, 56 percent to 39 percent"

It has come to this. Every little bit of good news gobbled up and savored. And why not? If Bush launches a massive attack on Fallujah in the next 36 hours, the whole election could be thrown into irrevocable chaos. In which event, well...at least we can have fond memories of what it was like to hope. Zogby was on the Daily Show last night, restating his contention that the winner will be Kerry. Ah, little shimmering diamonds of hope!

Here's the skinny on Sunday's Packers v. Redskins.

Here come the October Surprises

Kelly vehemently disagreed me about undecided voters taking things more seriously than we give them credit for. Kelly, on the other hand, believes undecided voters are cockmunches.

The point I was trying to make, however, is that any October Surprise shithammering will be for naught. If it's because undecided voters are smarter than that or because, as Kelly put it, "It's not media's job to make you cognizant of the world around you – it's your job…cockmunch," it still means that the undecided voter won't be swayed by such silly attacks.

And speaking of silly attacked, here they are:

...a cousin of Kerry's, Michael Paine, was a close friend of [Lee Harvey] Oswald who fre quently had the assassin as a house guest...

...the Viet Cong and North Vietnamese delegations to the Paris peace talks that year were used as the communications link to direct the activities of Kerry and other antiwar activists who attended...

Neither will make a lick of difference, not when there's missing explosives and what-not.

American Psychos

News Flash from Tennessee:

Lawyers representing a man accused of killing a dog by kicking it like a football are considering asking for a change of venue because they fear their client may not get a fair trial with Nashville jurors.

[…]

Police have said [Chad] Crawford kicked the dog high into the air on April 5 and caused it to die. Gizmo's owner said the two men used the animal like a football player would kick a field goal. Davis is accused of holding the dog down on the ground and Crawford of taking a running start before sending the animal flying into the air. The dog landed under a parked vehicle, police said.

News Flash from La Crosse, Wisconsin:

In what he called "a stupid idea" intended to keep his wife from leaving him, William Dahlby said in court Tuesday that he threw a live electrical wire into his wife's bath the evening of May 9.
Dahlby said he was only trying to scare his wife with the wire he hid under a towel before his wife's bath. "At no time did I ever intend to kill or hurt my wife," he said. "I don't even know if that was possible."

Not yet convicted of felonies, these people retain the right to vote. God Bless America.

Human Nature

Scientists uncover possible new species of human.

I'm only posting this because I think it's fascinating and everyone should know about it. That's what I think. And I write for this blog.

The Littlest Prisoner at Abu Ghraib

Still not sure what to wear this Halloween? Here are a few suggestions. (Via BoingBoing.)

I'm borrowing DJ's Jedi costume this year due to a lack of time to put something better together.

I Salute You, Mr. President

From the time capsule: What "Victory" Means to George W. Bush.

We Can Do Better

As we all know, the latest spate of campaign ads are all about animals (Bush, Kerry turn campaigning into a zoo). The GOP has "Wolves", and the DNC has "Eagle". Kerry's folks have opted to portray Bush as an ostrich. Fair enough, I suppose. But, like Kerry himself, I believe that "we can do better". Recently, my brother and his wife were kind enough to give me a copy of Thomas Eisner's For Love of Insects. On page 119 I happened across the perfect non-human representative for George W. Bush: the larval pupa of Hemisphaerota cyanea. To wit:

The larva begins feeding within minutes after it emerges from the egg. The first fecal strand makes its appearance shortly thereafter, slowly squeezed from the anal turret. Strands are then produced one after the other. Several are in place by the end of 2 hours, and after 12 hours the thatch [of long filamentous fecal strands] is nearly or entirely complete. The larva attaches each strand to a forklike projection that sticks up from the rear of its abdomen, just in front of the anal turret. When it has completed a strand, the larva rotates the anal turret upward until it contacts the fork. It then constricts the anus and pinches off the strand, a the same time that it squeezes a droplet of quick-hardening glue from the anal turret. The strand is thus cemented to the fork. While producing a strand, the larva keeps the anal turret bent to one side, causing the strand to curve around the larva on that side. Consecutive strands are produced with alternating curvatures, with the anal turret bent in alternating directions, so that as the thatch builds up it does so evenly on both sides.

Indeed. The little critter bundles itself in a continuously regenerating cocoon of it's own shit. There are pictures of it here. Furthermore:

…one predator, a carabid beetle (Calleida viridipennis), feeds on the larva by either forcing itself beneath the thatch or chewing its way into it. The attack behavior is stereotyped, suggesting that the beetle feeds on Hemisphaerota larvae as a matter of routine.

Maybe instead of using an eagle, Kerry could make a commercial where he is depicted as Calleida viridipennis, slicing diligently through Bush's ropey strands of shit to eat him alive.

But wait! There's more. Guess what the adult version of Hemisphaerota cyanea uses as it's primary means of defense? You got it. It emits an adhesive oil from it's tarsal bristles "consisting of a mixture of long-chain hydro-carbons". It glues itself to a surface. It clamps down. Hard. It has an adhesive strength of up to "3.2 grams, nearly 240 times the body mass". In such a case, perhaps Kerry could assume the role of Arilus cristatus:

They approached the beetle and straddled it, causing it to clamp down. They then proceeded to prod the beetle with their oral beak, in evident efforts to find a site for beach insertion. As soon as they pierced the beetle, the latter went limp, upon which the bug lifted the beetle up and pulled it from the substrate. With its legs gone limp the beetle seemed unable to hold on. Reduviid bugs are known to kill their prey by injection of neurotoxins, and A. cristatus is doubtless no exception.

Elegant, isn't it? Unhinge the little fucker from his vice-like grip and poison his tiny mind.

Go Packers

From Stiggy: this weekend, we're rooting for the Packers.

Surprise, it's October!

Excellent article at The Gadflyer about the nature of October Surprises:

There are two different types of October Surprise stories: leaks from partisans, of which the press is particularly skeptical; and stories a news organization gets itself that might seem too explosive to run in the final days. The difference between the two is that the former are usually offered up too late to be verified whereas the latter typically involve a good deal of reporting.

The article also analyzes how the media deals with October Surprise news. While of sociological interest, the article doesn't point out the obvious: At this point, an October Surprise ain't going to do shit.

There are jokes on The Daily Show and other places that undecided voters are idiots. I don't believe that to be the case. I believe, with no research to back this up (typical blogger), that undecided voters deserve more credit. They are deciding which issues are the most important to them, whether it be terrorism or the economy. They want to make an informed decision, and there is very little real information in the hard spin of media coverage. Perhaps, also, they see, as South Park put it last night, a choice between a douchebag and and a turd sandwich.

If anything, however, undecided voters are going to see through October Surprise-style attacks when so much is on the line. If they've waited this long to make a decision, they aren't stupid. They're thinking harder than the rest of us, or it takes them longer to think, or they started thinking about this later than we did. I, for one, love undecided voters, especially right now, since they usually break for the challenger*.

*I'm tearing through my newsreader trying to find an article that supports this. I've read this tidbit several times, but I'd like to reference it.

Moooooooo.

Congratulations to U2 for having a butt ugly special edition iPod. It should give you plenty of street cred when you're discussing African debt relief.

And it doesn't stop there. Have you seen the Ashlee Simpson iPod? Or, even better, how about the George W. Bush iPod?

Steve Jobs is going to be rich! Rich as Nazis!

(Full disclosure: I think African debt relief is a great cause. And I love my iPod.)

Helpful Hints: Voting for Judges

Dear Cook County Voters:

VoteForJudges.org includes a grid (in PDF and Word formats), showing the evaluations, side-by-side, of all of the following bar groups: The Asian Bar Association, the Black Women Lawyers Association, the Chicago Council of Lawyers, the Cook County Bar Association, the Decalogue Society, the Hispanic Lawyers Association, the Lesbian & Gay Bar Association, the Puerto Rican Bar Association, and the Women's Bar Association. VoteForJudges.org also has links to the Chicago Bar Association's web site, the Illinois State Bar Association's web site., and the Suburban Bar Coalition's web site - each of whom has done their own judicial evaluations - which you can see on their respective web sites.

Remember: you are permitted to take any written materials into the voting booth with you on election day, so you may want to print out one or more of the sets of judicial evaluations and take them with you when you go to vote on November 2.

(Gracias to my employer).

Following Dear Leader

I was watching television last night through the blur of a delicious Hangar One martini (with blue cheese stuffed olives no less), and I happened to come across Dennis Miller's crap factory show. Karen Olson was busy whinging about how "divided" we are as a nation. (For the record: we are not divided, we are infested…but that is neither here nor there). Dennis Miller chirped up and said that while he doesn't want Kerry to be his President, if Kerry wins, why…he's going to "jump on board". In case there was anyone out there who still thought that Dennis Miller was a GOP sellout, listen up: he's not. He's just a toady to power. A spineless follower. An obsequious sheep. A little puddle of barf. As someone who's been binging on blue cheese martini's, I know a thing or two about barf.

From the Campaign Trail

Today's notable quote is brought to you by George W. Bush:

A political candidate who jumps to conclusions without knowing the facts is not a person you want as your commander in chief.

This is actually (I'm not kidding here) being reported as an attack on Kerry. Seriously.

NOTE: I don't know about you, but I don't want anyone as my commander-in-chief because I'm not in the fucking military. See? We're electing a commander-in-chief of the armed forces, not of the civilian population. (pause) Unless… Uh. Oh boy. Maybe I'd better read up on Martial law. Better safe than sorry.

John Peel 1962–2004

You know all those bands that have released their "Peel Sessions"? Moment of silence for that guy.

Please help me move.

If you are available on Monday, November 1 and are of able body, please help me move. I have very little stuff; it should all fit in a cargo van. However, I do have a heavy-ass couch the golden throat of Onadime is giving me. And since I'm moving in on a Monday night, the sooner we get done, the better. You will be repaid in Gatorade and beer, and you'll get to see my new place. If you can help out, please email me and let me know what time you're available. There's an odd schedule (my stuff is spread out over four locations), so I'm coordinating rendezvous points. Thank you.

Pie Scandal in Arizona

The Smoking Gun has posted the incident report for the pie-in-the-face that Ann Coulter received:

The custard also landed on the muslim scrim, a black woven cloth like material used for a scenic backdrop on the stage. Centennial Hall Associate Director Ed Brown was on scene and stated that the cost of damage to the screen of $3,000 or more.

Unfamiliar with theatrical equipment, the officer who filed the report may have been unaware the actual term is "muslin scrim". Which, by the way probably would not cost $3,000; at least not at $6.95 per yard (or less). Of course, we have this interesting Arizona statute to consider:

Criminal damage is a class 5 felony if the person recklessly damages property of another in an amount of two thousand dollars or more but less than ten thousand dollars.

Maybe I'm inferring too much and Mr. Brown just wants to clean up in his own special way.

Get 'em where they live

I've found a new hobby: surfing conservative blogs and posting comments – little Easter eggs of dissent. It's awesome. I've already been told I'll be wearing a bhurka soon, puking up blood, and am actually "Kelly Bundy"…whatever that means. See? It's fun. Here's a few sites for getting started:
Ace of Spades
Free Republic
LGF
Power Line

Tupac is alive and puppeteering

Ladies and Gentlemen: Barney Shakur.

That's some good spin... for me to poop on!

No, this isn't another story about shitting one's self. Wednesday night, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog had a segment on Conan from spin alley after the third debate. To hear what he has to say to Karl Rove and Ralph Reed will make you shit yourself. (Gotcha.) I happened to catch it when it aired Wednesday night, and expectedly, it's now all over the blogosphere.

It's a big, slow download, but worth it. And you'll need Quicktime. Enjoy. (God bless whoever is hosting this mirror.)

(Fixed a grammatical boo-boo at 2:09 pm)

Crying

The new Republican add: Wolves.

Bush's message is consistent: "Kill 'em all"

Just when gray wolves are beginning to recover out West, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has proposed stripping federal protection to make it easier to kill them. The agency's proposal would downgrade the animals' protected status from "endangered" to "threatened," a shift that would let ranchers kill wolves that attack their livestock. Wildlife advocates believe this is the first step in the Bush administration's effort to eventually de-list wolves from the Endangered Species Act, perhaps by the end of the year -- putting them under the control of states where politicians favor eradicating the species."

And furthermore, here's a truth about wolves:

Wolves can live close to people without causing problems. Their tolerance is surprising, even when people harm their cubs or take their kills. This is not to say that a healthy (that is non-rabid) wolf will never kill anyone. Sooner or later this may happen. But wolves are large wild predators and humans are ubiquitous worldwide. We should therefore expect the occasional unfavorable wolf-human encounter and not be overly shocked when it happens.

I understand the need to be heated in our political rhetoric, but why does he need to drag wolves into this?

I pooped my pants today.

I pooped my pants about 12:45 PM today.

I was sitting at my desk, eating some crappy Chinese food, and I felt the urge to fart. The neighboring cubicals were vacant, so I tightened my butt cheeks to quell the noise a bit, and out came a malodorous, viscous liquid. I ran to the bathroom, removed my pants and boxers, and scrubbed as thoroughly as I could with toilet paper dipped in freshly flushed toilet water. Only a small bit got into my actual pants, so they are safe. However, I'm currently not wearing any underwear. I peeked out of the bathroom stall to make sure I was alone, wrapped the boxers in paper towels, and tossed them into the trash can. I liked those boxers, too, but it was either throw them away or carry around poop-stained boxers all day.

True story. Honest to God.

Sound Familiar?

Just a reminder that we're not alone in the world:

A showdown is brewing in Ukraine ahead of this month's presidential election as the opposition calls for massive protests, charging the government is preparing vote fraud, and police vow to clamp down on dissent.

Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovych and opposition leader Viktor Yushchenko appear neck-in-neck in the run-up to the Oct. 31 election, and in recent weeks the campaign has been shadowed by Yushchenko supporters' allegations of official abuse and interference.

Ivory Tower Deathmatch

The ButterScotch Threshold has posted a nice dialogue (Part I, Part II) between Noam Chomsky and William F. Buckley, Jr. (who, incidentally, has an interesting article in today's NRO about the "anarchic passion to smash"). While the content of the conversation is nothing new to anyone familiar with these two men, their arguments, as evidenced in the rhetorical devices and styles of each man, provide an excellent microcosm of the larger political climate. Both men are intelligent, and both are articulate and well-meaning. The similarities seem to end there. Buckley, true to his reputation, is rooted firmly in a conservative ideological world where ends justify means and the good fight is always a conceptual fight for freedom and future prosperity. Chomsky, never one to disappoint, is positively unyielding. He allows Buckley no concessions; even on the most niggling of points. It is Chomsky's famous command of fact that ultimately makes him the godfather of what is now known as the "Reality-Based Community". Chomsky argues almost exclusively in the realm of discernable fact. Buckley argues in the realm of theory. The appeal of both is strong, of course, but unfortunately the appeal of theory (especially utopian theory) is stronger. When reality is too overwhelming, the temptation to ignore it becomes equally overwhelming. Ignoring reality can, in such events, become an addiction.

What's another word for "douchebag"?

I need you to post to the comments. Please help. If you don't want to create an account, post anonymously.

Here's the situation: As a school assignment, I'm working on an ad campaign for my favorite soft drink in the whole wide world, Cheerwine, which is only available in the Southeast. For the project, I'm pretending that Carolina Beverage Company has hired me to design an ad campaign to introduce the product to the Midwest. Cheerwine has been around since 1917, so I want to create a campaign that acknowledge the long history of the product while setting it in a contemporary social context.

Thus: I'm creating a campaign that juxtaposes retro imagery from the 1940s and 1950s and snide, anachronistic headlines written in a contemporary vernacular.

That's a lot of words to explain what I'm doing, so consider this. Imagine that this image is on a billboard or in a magazine ad:



The headline would be something that belies the wistful nostalgia of the photo. For example:

"Sally thinks boys who hate Cheerwine are douchebags."

See what I'm going for? That irony of this cute teenager from a "simpler time" saying "douchebag." That's funny.

Unfortunately, though I could put "douchebag" in an ad placed in the Chicago Reader, I can't put it on an interstate billboard. The only other word I could come up with that is contemporary is "retard," which I think would be worse than "douchebag."

This is where you come in. Please post in the comments contemporary insulting euphemisms that are appropriate for an interstate billboard and would be readily understood by men and women in a 25–40 age bracket.

And if you think I'm asking you to do my homework for me, you're wrong. This is my homework. You're my research.

Thanks for helping. This should be fun.

At whom is the finger pointing?

There's no legal reason why the CIA should be doing this:

The Bush administration is suppressing a CIA report on 9/11 until after the election, and this one names names. Although the report by the inspector general's office of the CIA was completed in June, it has not been made available to the congressional intelligence committees that mandated the study almost two years ago.

'It is infuriating that a report which shows that high-level people were not doing their jobs in a satisfactory manner before 9/11 is being suppressed,' an intelligence official who has read the report told me, adding that 'the report is potentially very embarrassing for the administration, because it makes it look like they weren't interested in terrorism before 9/11, or in holding people in the government responsible afterward.'

Hopefully this memo will come out in the next week or so. Perhaps Bob Novak's source will be binder-clipped to it.

How to win the peace in Iraq

Put everyone to work smuggling drugs:

Before the Iraq war, Jordan had few problems with drug smuggling from Iraq.

But now this year there have been a series of big drug finds on the Jordan-Iraq border as smugglers exploit the collapse of security.

Just one example of what the Iraq war is doing to the entire region.

The Old Transcript Playhouse

Several days ago on CROSSFIRE:

[Jon] STEWART: You know, the interesting thing I have is, you have a responsibility to the public discourse, and you fail miserably.
[Tucker] CARLSON: You need to get a job at a journalism school, I think.
STEWART: You need to go to one.
The thing that I want to say is, when you have people on for just knee-jerk, reactionary talk...
CARLSON: Wait. I thought you were going to be funny. Come on. Be funny.
STEWART: No. No. I'm not going to be your monkey.
(LAUGHTER)
[Paul] BEGALA: Go ahead. Go ahead.
STEWART: I watch your show every day. And it kills me.
CARLSON: I can tell you love it.
STEWART: It's so -- oh, it's so painful to watch.
(LAUGHTER)
STEWART: You know, because we need what you do. This is such a great opportunity you have here to actually get politicians off of their marketing and strategy.
CARLSON: Is this really Jon Stewart? What is this, anyway?
STEWART: Yes, it's someone who watches your show and cannot take it anymore.
(LAUGHTER)
STEWART: I just can't.
CARLSON: What's it like to have dinner with you? It must be excruciating. Do you like lecture people like this or do you come over to their house and sit and lecture them; they're not doing the right thing, that they're missing their opportunities, evading their responsibilities?
STEWART: If I think they are.
(LAUGHTER)
CARLSON: I wouldn't want to eat with you, man. That's horrible.
STEWART: I know. And you won't. But the thing I want to get to...
BEGALA: We did promise naked pictures of the Supreme Court justices.
CARLSON: Yes, we did. Let's get to those.
(CROSSTALK)
BEGALA: They're in this book, which is a very funny book.
STEWART: Why can't we just talk -- please, I beg of you guys, please.
CARLSON: I think you watch too much CROSSFIRE.
We're going to take a quick break.
STEWART: No, no, no, please.
CARLSON: No, no, hold on. We've got commercials.
(CROSSTALK)
STEWART: Please. Please stop.
CARLSON: Next, Jon Stewart in the "Rapid Fire."
STEWART: Please stop.
CARLSON: Hopefully, he'll be here, we hope, we think.
(APPLAUSE)
CARLSON: And then, did U.S. soldiers refuse an order in Iraq. Wolf Blitzer has the latest on this investigation right after the break.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK),

In case you're wondering, those naked pictures of Supreme Court justices are very, very funny.

ADDENDUM: Another reason to hate Wal-Mart.

A Foot In The Bush

Bush says Kerry is a "flip-flopper". Bush says that neither he nor the American people know where Kerry stands on the issues. On the other hand, Bush says that Kerry is a liberal and that his record proves it. According to Bush, you just can't tell where Kerry stands. According to Bush, Kerry stands right over there on the far left.

Another thing. Anyone who says that John Kerry isn't a good choice for President or has "problems" with John Kerry can, simply put, fuck off. Why? Well, because there's a maniac running the country (and a large swath of the globe). There's a maniac who is thoughtlessly waging a misguided war, who has ordered the "collateral" deaths of thousands of innocent people, who is a liar and a polluter and a religious extremist. This is an emergency. This is a disaster. There are corpses to prove it. This election isn't about good governance or policy, it's about cauterizing a bleeding wound. It's about capital punishment.

And another thing. I've got some kind of horrible fungus on the sole of my right foot. Seriously. It's like a flesh-eating disease. The other night a big clot of skin came off and a river of thick red blood slopped into my sock. I have to walk around with a slight limp to keep myself from screaming in naked animal pain.

Tracking Polls: A Perspective

Yes, the race is very close. The Candidates are dead-even in the latest tracking polls. Just for kicks, let's take a look at a tracking poll from October 30, 2000:

With no significant change in today's results, Bush currently is garnering support from 47 percent of all likely voters surveyed and Gore is drawing 44 percent. That represents a shift of just two points from Sunday's figures, which had the Republican ahead 49 percent to 42 percent. The survey of 2,207 likely voters was conducted October 26-28 and has a 2 point margin of error.

A broader six-day tracking poll shows Bush with a 48 percent-43 percent edge.

If Kerry was doing as poorly as Gore, we'd have reason to worry. Fortunately, Kerry is polling better than Gore…and Gore won the 2000 election. That should provide some measure of hope, eh?

Major combat operations against the Empire have ended.

A very quick, very dirty, very ugly Photoshop that Stiggy and I thought of tonight:

Shove That Chad Right Up Your Ass

There will be voter fraud this year. There was, after all, voter fraud last year. And the year before. And…well, there has been voter fraud every year. The ubiquity of corruption, however, is no reason not to fight it. So fight it we shall. But there is a larger picture to consider here. For example: in the current political race, the incidents of actual (and successful) voter fraud will be more than offset by the votes actually (and successfully) cast by easy-target morons who have been psychologically manipulated by actual (and successful) candidate fraud. A vapid population of dimwitted thumb-suckers will be casting their votes for Bush because of the following: (a) effectual and relevant campaign-finance law has yet to be passed, allowing deceitful campaigns to blossom like hydra-headed gorgons…mercilessly extinguishing the truth at all costs, (b) Republican strategies have successfully convinced rural America that a vote for Bush is a vote for cherubic infants with alabaster wings floating on sunbeams of laughter, while a vote for Kerry is a vote for ripping infants from their mothers' wombs and feeding them to German Shepherds, (c) some sly little fart in the days of yore convinced a small group of voters that it's a bad idea to change presidents in the middle of a war, and (d) Clear Channel and Sinclair Broadcasting, in consort with the vast right-wing conspiracy (FOX news, Weekly Standard, National Review, et al.) have engaged in a multivalent, widespread, penetrating, bunker-busting, epoch-spanning War on Truth…and it is a Fait accompli. Innocent as drooling toddlers, great legions of voters will have been victimized repeatedly by fraud long before they ever enter a voting booth or fastidiously complete an absentee ballot. And yet media, having tip-toed and pranced through minefields of fallacious propaganda for the last four years, has had an apparent attack of conscience and is therefore going cover "voter fraud" in lieu of far more pervasive "candidate fraud". Will any of this coverage make a difference? You bet. America will be able, once again, to safely (and loudly) bitch about "political corruption" without ever having to name names. The casual discourse of America will once again swirl with phrases like, "they're all crooked", "it's rigged anyway", and "you just can't trust politicians". This will be a welcome respite from the much more confrontational and muck-sweat inducing fare of late (i.e., "Bush is crooked", "Bush rigged the election", and "you just can't trust Bush"). We like to Bitch and point fingers and complain…but not if it gets too mean, too personal, to real. Alan Keyes may obliquely refer to Mary Cheney as a "selfish hedonist", but when John Kerry refers to Mary Cheney directly as "being who she is"…well, he's just a "bad man". It's never what we say that matters – it's who we say it about. So sit back and enjoy the show. Over the next two weeks we'll doubtless witness the greatest transference of political blame in our nation's history as accusations of fraud and misuse are heaped on the American people (simple-minded voters, thousands of county & city voting officials, tech firms, special interest groups, notorious 527's, etc.). Meanwhile, the ruthless man-child who spilled all the milk will smirk at us from a distance as we struggle to clean it all up.

If you can find them, maybe you can hire...no, wait...

Stephen J. Cannell is quoted in this article talking about the upcoming A-Team movie:

"Not to denigrate the TV show, but nobody ever died.

“We drove cars off cliffs and people got out and walked away. We’re not going to do that (in the movie).

“In this the tone is more dangerous ... you can really die. It’s very tense and exciting.”

The very next paragraph in the article:

Vietnam could be replaced by the Gulf, although no details have been announced.

I hope you find that as uncomfortably funny as I do.

Did you know Mr. T's real name is Lawrence Tero?

Too Young To Vote - Too Old To Live

Best. Debate Wrap-up. Ever

Facial Spanking et al

George W. Bush said last night that he loves the strong women around him. Good for you George. Here's something you might enjoy.

Bite-Size Resources

Dave Leip's Atlas of U.S. Presidential Elections
Media Matters for America
FactCheck.org
NRDC: The Bush Record
Bill O'Reilly: Sexual Predator
The White House

Jigaboo In Utero

A few days ago, during the 2nd Presidential Debate, Bush's dilated sphincter jettisoned the following loaf of excrement:

Another example would be the Dred Scott case, which is where judges, years ago, said that the Constitution allowed slavery because of personal property rights.

That's a personal opinion. That's not what the Constitution says. The Constitution of the United States says we're all -- you know, it doesn't say that. It doesn't speak to the equality of America.

Let's snap on some surgical gloves, pull out a microscope, and take a closer look at this fetid little dollop of rhetorical garbage. The first mistake Bush makes is to grammatically confuse Dred Scott with a geographical location; a minor faux pas considering that if you shoved his [Bush's] brain in a flea's ass you'd still have room for an acorn. Next, he treats the audience to another moment of executive condescension and infantilizing by employing the term "years ago" in reference to the famous court decision of 148 years ago; just in case some dimwitted thumb-sucker mistakenly thought that a certain porn-addled Republican negro may have been on the bench at the time? Finally, we come to the essentially incompressible nut of Bush's thesis: that the decision to dismiss Dred Scott v. Sanford resulted from "personal opinion" rather than from what the "constitution says"…which, it turns out, "doesn't speak to the equality of America." If I suppress my urge to yodel fuck-a-doodle-doo as loud as humanly possible, it would appear that the strict interpretation of the U.S. Constitution which the president favors would have demanded a ruling in favor of Mr. Scott (we presume) not because he possessed equal rights (which the U.S. Constitution "doesn't speak about"), but because he's not "property" per se…which the U.S. Constitution does speak about. Therefore the "personal opinion" of the ruling would still result "because of property rights". Perhaps the final lines from the actual ruling might make this a little clearer:

Upon the whole, therefore, it is the judgment of this court, that it appears by the record before us that the plaintiff [Dred Scott] in error is not a citizen of Missouri, in the sense in which that word is used in the Constitution; and that the Circuit Court of the United States, for that reason, had no jurisdiction in the case, and could give no judgment in it. Its judgment for the defendant must, consequently, be reversed, and a mandate issued, directing the suit to be dismissed for want of jurisdiction.

Whoa me! Does that say the case was dismissed for "want of jurisdiction"? One could easily get the impression that the Supreme Court was simply allowing each state to decide for itself what is and what is not property – a classic "state's rights" defense, the traditional "strict constructionist" doctrine used "years ago" to keep the black man down! Well Gawlee. Now I'ms really confused massa. Unless…it's all about abortion.

I have strange friends...

Take this email, received just now:

When did escalators become fucking rides?!?! When did it become absolutely appropriate to gape at the glorious dualchrome view of your local office building while you get you fat ass lifted up 1/2 a filght of fucking stairs slower than I could crawl up with a torn achilles tendon. Heavens to FUCKING BETSY! Is THIS the time to chat and catch up with friends, discuss last nights episode of the Simpsons, moisturize your hands, and whatever bullshit you do when you have been waiting for the appropriate 19 seconds of your day that work out for you just so. For the love of FUCKING PETE!! Mosisturize you fucking hands somewhere else. Check your voice mail after I can get on with my fucking life. Lift those flabby quads just a little bit and work WITH the technology. Next stop appocalypse! The apes are gonna take over. Know why? Because they can fucking CLIMB SHIT!!!!!

Seriously!!!

For the record, I find escalators a fine way to climb stairs faster. I usually only stop for the ride when my way is impeded. Maybe it's a guy thing.

Garbage Eaten By Sea Bird

With any luck, I'll be back to regular blogging in short order. I've been busy lately with the Writers' Theatre production of Seagull (preliminary reviews: Chicago Sun-Times, Chicago Tribune, Chicagocritic.com, Daily Herald). For video clips of the show, click here. I haven't seen the clips myself, so I apologize if they suck.

Christopher Reeve 1952–2004

Moment of silence for Christopher Reeve.

Dude, this is HIDEOUS!

No, this is not the promised redesign, I swear.

Blogger templates are pretty tough things to work with. Trying to wrap your brain around the various conditional tags and optional areas makes for quite a headache. Not to mention the limitations; trying to create an archive in reverse chronological order is a pain in the ass.

So I've decided to build it slowly instead of facing the overwhelming task of building it over completely without a testing environment (i.e., I can't have a separate Blogger installation on my computer to test new features). Those of you who visit this site frequently will be able to watch it grow.

I'm currently reading a great book about web standards, which is how anyone who designs websites should be designing their sites. (Table tags for layout are so 2001.) So I'll be gradually adding style sheet declarations over the next couple of weeks. This blog will become prettier and prettier as the days go by. And if you're truly nerdy, you can view source and watch the changes that occur as I add new CSS code.

In the meantime, at least this is more legible than that lime green monstrosity everyone was complaining about. Thank you for your patience.

The Power Of One

There are approximately 6,392,869,038 people in the world. There are approximately 294,469,537 people in the United States. United States' power extends further throughout the world than the power of any other country on the planet. Fewer than 50% of the American population votes (in 2000, 105,405,100 Americans voted). If the 50% of the American population votes in the 2004 election, 147,234,769 people will vote. As a proportion of the overall world population, each vote thus cast will carry the weight of 43.42 people.

Kelly's Already Old

Here I am, whining about turning 30 and hyping the pity party, and I didn't even know that today is Kelly's birthday. I'm an inconsiderate bastard.

Happy birthday, Kelly, you affable curmudgeon.

I know it's late in the day, but wish Kelly a happy birthday in the comments.

Arlo Gets Old, and You're Invited to the Funeral

One week from today, I'm turning 30 years old. I know what you're thinking, don't worry, Arlo. It's nothing more than your odometer flipping to 10,000. You're only as old as you feel. Thirty was a good year for me. If you're feeling the urge to console me with anything like the italicized text, then allow me to add some more italicized text: Fuck you. Those four zeroes at the end of 10,000 miles are an obvious reminder that your car is that much closer to an expired warranty, a faulty transmission, and embarrassing remarks from onlooking playas. The same goes for turning 30, a milestone that marks a third of my life–if I'm lucky–gone. And, dammit, I'm angry about it.

Actually, I'm not. This is a blog, so it's my responsibility to write something ridiculously vituperative periodically.

The truth is, the closer I get to next Friday, the more excited I feel. I grew up counting years, calculating how old I would turn in 2000, and it felt so far away. It's only seven days to go, and 30 still feels very far away.

If anything, however, turning 30 is cause for celebration. And celebrate I will. Friday, October 15, 2004. You are invited to come out party with me. I'll be at T's here in Chicago, located on the southeast corner of Clark and Winnemac. They have good food, a large back room, a pool table; and that night, they'll have me. I'll arrive around 8:30 or 9, and I plan to close the place.

So come around for one drink or a couple. I'll be there, and even if I only see you for five minutes, at least I got to see you.

Just so you know, however, if you're walking in to laugh at me all silly-drunk-like: I will refuse to do any shots. I actually have class in the morning (such is the life of a 30-year-old adult–responsibilities), and I have to be there. I can be groggy, sure, but I can't be useless.

Please come. I'd love to see you, whoever you are.

A Lovely Flip-Flop Catalog

Pointed out to me by my buddy DJ, Kos has this lovely flip-flop catalog, just in time for autumn.

Oh, and read that quote at the end. Holy shit.

UPDATE:From Stigmutha:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/quotes/tyler.asp

3. The quote from "Alexander Tyler" is very likely fictitious. His name was actually "Lord Woodhouselee, Alexander Fraser Tytler (http://www.electricscotland.com/history/men/tytler_alexander.htm)," and he was a Scottish historian/professor who wrote several books in the late 1700s and early 1800s.

Thoughts on Gutting Fish

Toxonomic number: 562521
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Subphylum: Vertebrata
Class: Aves
Order: Ciconiiformes
Family: Procellariidae
Genus: Pseudobulweria

Sometime during the year 1855 a Fijian petrel (Pseudobulweria macgillivrayi) was killed, skinned, stiffed with cotton, and issued a meticulously scribbled toe-tag detailing the conditions of its demise and various observations thereon. This event, largely ignored by history, marked the last appearance of this luckless bird before being reclassified as extinct. On the evening of April 30, 1984, among a gloomy rainstorm and in a punishing wind, Dr. Dick Watling was accompanied in his ornithological duties on the Island of Gua in the Figian archipelago by Ratu Filipe Lewanavanua. Quite unexpectedly, from out of the gloom flapped a single Pseudobulweria macgillivrayi, which unceremoniously slammed directly into Dr. Watling's head. He later wrote, "A more undignified return to human awareness after 129 years of peaceful oblivion could not be imagined".

NOTE: This entry is in honor of the recent birth of the blog eponymagain, a Wudnerkammern of cerebral spice & single-engine flights of fancy.

Veep Debate Thread

I'm just now catching up on blogging. Thanks to Kelly for keeping things lively and interesting here. Even this is hardly an organized post. I'm just kind of puking up some thoughts here, but here it goes.

Veep debate was tough. After all, John Edwards was debating the president.

John Edwards was able to respond to the attendance record with Cheney's voting record. That was a lovely highlight for me.

But my favorite... Here's John Edwards. The question is about gay marriage:

Now, as to this question, let me say first that I think the vice president and his wife love their daughter. I think they love her very much. And you can't have anything but respect for the fact that they're willing to talk about the fact that they have a gay daughter, the fact that they embrace her. It's a wonderful thing. And there are millions of parents like that who love their children, who want their children to be happy.

Edwards may sound sympathetic there—and he probably truly is—but as soon as he said "love their daughter," I turned to the pal I was watching the debate with and said, "Holy shit, he's going there." John Edwards practiced that speech, I believe, in order to remind ever single blind, intolerant conservative out there, "DICK CHENEY HAS A GAY DAUGHTER!! GAY, I TELLS YA!! A LEZ-BEAN!" It's the sort of game the Republicans play on Democrats, and I say fight fire with fire.

Oh, and Atrios caught Cheney in an interesting lie. Here's the lie:

The first time I ever met [John Edwards] was when you walked on the stage tonight.

Here's the proof he lied:



Cheney's a good debater. He's an evil genius. Edwards was good, too, but hung himself when he said Kerry's name twice when the moderator asked them not to and said "I broke the rules" twice. Yeah, that'll never come back to haunt him.

Kerry has two more chances to make Bush look like a weasely bitch. I bet he'll do it, too.

SO TALK ALREADY. What did you think? I know it's late in the day and most of you read this when you're procrastinating at work, but post a comment or two.

Stiggy's Scared

Stigmutha shares. It's worth just copying and pasting, really.

His first link leads to a 28MB QuickTime movie that combines modern 3D animation with a Russian Constructivist style that floored me.

Then I watched it again here at work with the headphones on. It's a summary of the Project for the New American Century, who we all know is the new Illuminati.

Anyway, here's what the Stig wrote to Kelly and I:

This is making me very nervous boys.

Here is a link to the movie:
http://www.drunkfoundation.com/forum/index.php?act=ST&f=43&t=6029

It won the Brooklyn Film Festival
http://www.wbff.org/films/detail.asp?cid=5&fid=353
http://justincone.com/tween/article/72/knife-party-what-barry-says

This shit is scarrin the crap out of me:
http://www.newamericancentury.org/

Project Directors: http://www.newamericancentury.org/aboutpnac.htm

William Kristol http://rightweb.irc-online.org/ind/kristol/kristol.html
Robert Kagan http://rightweb.irc-online.org/ind/kagan/kagan.html
Mark Gearson http://rightweb.irc-online.org/ind/gerson/gerson.php
Randy Scheunemann
http://rightweb.irc-online.org/ind/scheunemann/scheunrmann.php

Gary Schmitt http://rightweb.irc-online.org/ind/schmitt/schmitt.html
Daniel McKivergan
http://rightweb.irc-online.org/ind/mckivergan/mckivergan.php
Ellen Bork http://rightweb.irc-online.org/ind/bork_e/book_e.php
Thomas Donnelly http://rightweb.irc-online.org/ind/donnelly/donnelly.html
Reuel Marc Gerecht http://rightweb.irc-online.org/ind/gerecht/gerecht.html

Rodney Dangerfield 1921–2004

Moment of silence for Rodney Dangerfield.

The Devil in Dick Cheney

The word most commonly used in connection with Dick Cheney is "gravitas". It's a latin word. As you might imagine, it's connotes a relationship to what we think of as gravity rather than mass. In other words, it's etymological root relates directly to the proportional force which acts upon matter, rather than the matter itself. The relevance of this characterization of Cheney is clear:

b. The degree of such attraction. c. The action or process of moving under the influence of this attraction. d. A movement toward a source of attraction.

And again, in a further definition of the same phenomena:

2. To move downward. 3. To be attracted as if by an irresistible force.

In this sense, the application of the word "gravitas" to Cheney is accurate in a number of ways. It cannot be sanely disputed that he is, in fact, attracted to and irre$i$tible force which lies far beneath the surface of the earth. The question is, is there but one dark power that attracts Dick Cheney into the netherworld? Probably not.

It's Hard To Read A Thesaurus

The greatest challenge that Bush faces? It's hard to be President. (By the way, Kerry didn't use the word once…not once). Bush:

It's hard work. It's incredibly hard.

It's the hardest decision a president makes.

There's a lot of good people working hard.

There's a lot of really good people working hard to do so. It's hard work.

… but it's certainly hard to tell it when he voted against the $87-billion

And it's hard work. I understand how hard it is. … I see on the TV screens how hard it is.

… we'll train Iraqi soldiers so they can do the hard work.

It is hard work. It is hard work to go from a tyranny to a democracy. It's hard work to go from a place where people get their hands cut off…

You know, my hardest -- the hardest part of the job is to know that I committed the troops in harm's way …

You know, it's hard work to try to love her as best as I can…

Yes, we're getting the job done. It's hard work. Everybody knows it's hard work…

I understand how hard it is to commit troops.

… a pretty hard experience for, I guess, young girls… [(!?)]

Vladimir is going to have to make some hard choices.

We've done a lot of hard work together over the last three and a half years.

Kerry Kicked Ass

Yes he did. Despite our fears about a 32-page memorandum of understanding, the debate, while without strong argument between the two, illustrated without a doubt the differences between the candidates. Kerry proved how well he can wrap his brain around the facts and make a cohesive argument. If Kerry does as well in the third debate, the debate focusing on domestic policy — and if George Bush is on the defensive and acts all whiney like he did last night — Kerry could turn this election around.

Kerry had facts to support his arguments. He brought up issues that no one was discussing (like increasing opium production in Afghanistan). He addressed the flip-flop accusations.

Bush, for his part, mentioned Poland a lot.

The spin last night of the television I watched mostly came from Rudy "America's Mayor" Guiliani, who parroted the talking point that "Kerry lectured the American people." If by listing facts and making strong, impenetrable arguments about how Bush has fucked up the War on Terror, yeah, he lectured. Rudy, your guy rolled his eyes and got flustered a lot, which is how Al Gore lost the debates.

DISCUSS THE DEBATE. Let's get the comments feature rolling. What were your favorite moments last night? I will join in the discussion as I have time to, and perhaps Kelly will, as well. Today, this is your blog. What did you think?

If you missed the debate, here's a transcript. And here's some video of Bush acting like a pussy. (Via Atrios.)