Next Goal: Become Sane
In 1996, my senior year at Virginia Tech, I swallowed a pretty decent chunk of a bottle of Tylenol PM. Fortunately, all it made me do was sleep (it didn't cause any liver damage), but it did land me in a mental institution for a week-and-a-half. That was the first time I was formally diagnosed with clinical depression.
As far as I can tell, I've only mentioned that I suffer from depression on the blog twice, once in a comment and once in a post. So why mention it so specifically now? Because it's my next big hurdle. I figured out what I wanted to do, went to school, and finished with high marks and a bright career ahead of me. Now, with no worries about my career, I can focus on my relationships with loved ones and with myself.
Ten years after I attempted suicide, I'm still struggling with depression. I can't help but think that particular actions I've taken have ruined everything and that I should just give up. I still lose sleep worrying about nothing in particular. I still get distracted from important tasks dwelling on regrets from high school. I don't believe anyone who thinks depression is just a mood or a demeanor or a particular personality—its a debilitating disease that affects your daily life. (Don't get me wrong; there are far worse debilitating diseases. I'm not that arrogant.)
During those past ten years, I didn't do such a good job managing my depression. I took my medication off and on. I still got intoxicated with whatever was available. I probably made things worse. Now, things are different. There is no other concern in my life more important than managing my mental health.
I take 150 to 300 mg of Wellbutrin every day. I see a psychiatrist once a week; now that I'm done with school, I will probably start seeing the doctor twice a week. I don't smoke pot anymore, I've been cigarette free for nearly a week, and I limit myself to no more than two or three drinks. I really need to start exercising, I know.
The hardest task is changing my behavior. Depression has affected my choices for 31 years, and I'm now going through the difficult process of learning new decision-making skills. I'm going to make mistakes, some egregious ones, every day for the rest of my life. I'm learning to accept those mistakes as lessons, not mortal failures.
And therein lies the one problem with this goal: it's not one that I can truly achieve. I believe, though, a day will come where I'll look back without any regrets, proud of what I've achieved personally. On that day, I will have succeeded.
Finally, the only reason Tom Cruise hates psychiatrists is because he refuses to admit he needs one.
We now return to scathing indictments of the government.
(WebMD has good resources concerning depression.)
7 Comments:
You stopped smoking pot?
You don't know the history of psychiatry Arlo. I do.
Do you think I am pretty?
Hey man, whatever ya gotta do. I didn't know you quit weed - kinda makes me feel like an asshole for posting my last comment (FYI - arbitrary laws aside, smoking weed is STILL much less harmful to your body/mind than alcohol)!
Personally, I've always felt that anyone who DOESN'T suffer from depression is either a slack-jawed moron or a cold-hearted bastard. The world is a depressing place, there's no denying it. I struggle with depression constantly (big surprise), mainly because I refuse to take anti-depressant drugs (don't want to "trick" myself into feeling better) or seek professional help (I find that I resent psychiatrists, etc. because I can't get past the feeling that they're only there because they're paid to listen)...
Good luck to you; but if you DO find a cure for your depression, PLEASE don't let that cure rob you of being the smart, caring, sensitive person that you are. I reiterate - without fail, the happiest people I've ever met in my life have also been the stupidest.
And smoking pot DOESN'T trick you into feeling better?*
Depression isn't a result of a depressing world. One of the definitions of an organism is its need for self-preservation. Depression is a denial of that need. Clinical depression is not the same thing as ennui, surliness, or existentialism.
If anything, treatment has made me smarter, more caring, and more sensitive. If treatment isn't doing that, then you need to find a new shrink. If you're just paying them to listen, then you're wasting your money. Your paying them to guide you through the environmental catalysts that exacerbate the condition and how to deal with them.
(*Not that I don't think marijuana should remain illegal. Its ridiculous that it's illegal.)
Thank you for allowing comments. I'd like to take this opportunity to paraphrase one of my recent rants. You see, I think Tom Cruise is adorable. I also think Scientology is awesome. I can't tell you how liberating it is to regard the negative forces in my mind as aliens. See? If they're aliens, that means they're not me! I'm not the asshole who's constantly telling myself I'm an asshole; it's the aliens in my head! Isn't that awesome?
I knew an actor once who would, as part of his weird pre-show ritual, walk around the bare stage screaming "No!" and "Shut Up!" I asked him what he was doing one day. He said, "I'm shouting down all the voices in my head that try to tell me I'm not good enough, that I don't have what it takes, that I'm going to fail." See what I'm talking about? I thought that motherfucker was crazy as hell. Not anymore. He was just taking a Scientologically approved psychological shortcut.
Shortcuts are great. Especially when it comes to mental health.
HA! I KNEW You'd say that...no, I'm not using marijuana to "trick" myself; the weed doesn't make me feel any better about things, it just keeps me from lashing out at others (most of the time).
Like I said, whatever ya gotta do - I'm glad the treatments you've chosen are working for you. I'm just saying that they don't for me...if that means I'm not "clinically depressed", then fine.
Thank god you acknowledge that you have a problem and don't exacerbate the situation beating yourself up for having a problem instead of using your energy to make things better. Good luck Arlo.
The other thing you probably realize is that you should never be ashamed of your problems. Your true friends already know all about them and are probably happier to know you work on them rather than trying to hide them.
I've often said that people should not greeting each other saying "How are you?" but rather "What's your problem?" We'd learn so much more about each other so much faster and act more appropriately around each other too. "Oh, you're sensitive to loud noises? Great, I'll make a note of it and not bang pots around you." What a wonderful world it could be.
My problems, by the way, are ADHD, tics, and OCD. Luckily, they're all relatively mild versions. Also, quitting pot is probably a good thing because if you want to deal with your feelings, you can't mask them.
Good on ya, mate. Your ability to frankly discuss your depression is refreshing. Thank you.
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