Triumph of the Albino Stink Star

I was browsing the Harper's Index and came across two items that I found perplexing:

Total annual spending controlled by functionally illiterate U.S. consumers: $414,000,000,000

Average number of $75 anal bleachings that an L.A.-area salon performs each day: 5

The first item is perhaps so gallingly provocative that one can be forgiven for harboring no small measure of skepticism as to its validity. If true, I see no reason to grant any unknown member of the human race the slightest benefit of the doubt; every casual encounter with humanity will perforce become an occasion to exhibit my boundless contempt for my fellow man. The second item, however, merits immediate and unconditional acceptance as confirmed and established fact. While some may dispute that the phenomenon is real, I'm willing to believe that anal bleaching is an established practice. We are, after all, talking about Los Angeles. Plus, as anyone who has wandered into a XXX Adult Fantasy Video Arcade anytime within the last five years has noticed, the blossoming genre of ass-play is poised to dominate the entire purview of adult entertainment for the foreseeable future. Consequently, fair consideration of the latter item results in a frightening confirmation of the former. So get ready for what may be the next great leap in human evolution: illiterate consumers with bleached assholes. The future is now.