National Distraction Ascendant

Autumn. The finest season of the year. Sure the Autumnal Equinox doesn't occur until September 22, but an even more important harbinger of a season of pure joy will commence this very weekend – NFL football. Chicken wings, pints of domestic beer, crunchy jackets and footwear designed for the "urban hiker". Does it get any better? Of course doesn't, you ferry. What's that? You think sports and cider and falling leaves are beneath you? Well, too bad for you. America is going to reclaim the Astrodome and the Superdome – their rightful purpose awaits. And you, little missy, can go give yourself a Lysol douche for all I care.

Here are my picks for the week ahead (yes, pure wishful thinking):

CHICAGO over Washington
PHILADELPHIA over Atlanta
CINCINNATI over Cleveland
ARIZONA over NY Giants
DENVER over Miami
NEW ORLEANS over Carolina
KANSAS CITY over NY Jets
GREEN BAY over Detroit
SEATTLE over Jacksonville
MINNESOTA over Tampa Bay
PITTSBURGH over Tennessee
SAN DIEGO over Dallas
NEW ENGLAND over Oakland
ST. LOUIS over San Francisco
BUFFALO over Houston
INDIANAPOLIS over Baltimore

The only question left unanswered is which NFL Kickoff performance needs must be Tivo'd, The Rolling "I-think-you're-full-of-shit" Stones or Kanye "George-Bush-doesn't-care-about-black-people" West? Hmmm... That's a tough one.