Curling in Turin

Are you ready for some luge? With the best damn month of the year only a few hours away, one cannot help but anticipate a cornucopia of fresh joys just over the horizon. Specifically, I'm talking about the XX Winter Olympic Games in Turin, Italy. Since they'll be commencing in February, now is the time to square away the pre-Olympic chores: (a) buy all the paraphernalia and logo-stitched active wear you can afford; (b) reconnoiter the local watering holes in search of the perfect barstool from which to watch ski jumping; (c) use whatever powers of linguistic legerdemain you possess to determine which of your friends is amenable to the idea of getting sloppy drunk while ogling 8 year-old figure skaters; (d) unroll your old poster of Bonnie Blair, stick it to the Formica paneling on your walls with wads of chewed Hubba Bubba, and let the awesome enormity of her thighs inspire the Olympic Spirit within your concave breast; and (e) steel yourself for the spectacle of obese American patriots slipping in whoopsy-doodle slapstick arcs on sheets of Italian black ice as grotesquely trendy European snobs point, laugh, and ridicule our fallen brethren. But don't worry. We'll still kick everyone's ass.