Happy Birthday, Mr. President and Mr. Stallone

Not only do our president and Sylvester "Cup the Balls" Stallone have the same birthday, they are the same age. Born on the same day. It's a shame Stallone is 59, though, because in 13 years, he may simply be too old to reprise one of his most famous roles.

Certainly, Rambo: First Blood Part II, was simply another film in the Prisoner of War genre popular in the aftermath of Vietnam, a genre populated by exceptional films like Missing in Action, Missing in Action 2: The Beginning, and Braddock: Missing in Action III. (From what I understand, The Deer Hunter is also better than okay.) However, Rambo stands out for me due to a lecture I recall from the Film Appreciation course I took at Virginia Tech. As the professor put it, Rambo is the only film where the United States wins the Vietnam war. Rambo singlehandedly rescues POWs and defeats the Vietcong, thus vindicating the US military.

So, to honor the joint birthday of The Itallian Stallion and The Kennebunkport Kid Killer, I offer my treatment for Rambo: Second Blood:

The year is 2017. John Rambo, an aging Vietnam veteran, is living out the rest of his years on a ranch in Texas. We see oil derricks in the distance. His grandson, Johnny Rambo (Ashton Kutcher), a veteran of the Second Iraq War (IWII), drives up in his beat-up Hummer, to inform his granddad that President Santorum has selected Rambo, III, to return to Iraq to defeat the insurgents once and for all and rescue the spirit of democracy that has been held captive for too long. Oh, and to bring back some precious oil. Rambo the elder entrusts his grandson with a lucky RPG launcher engraved with the name "Tricky."

Johnny lands in Iraq. He kills some insurgents, meets a hot chic, loses her, kills the insurgents that captured her, kills the leader of the insurgency, and narrowly escapes an enormous explosion with the hot chic over one shoulder and a barrel of crude over the other.

Johnny is paraded through the streets of Baghdad and agrees to monitor the next election. Grandfather Rambo slowly steps off of a helicopter in the distance, walks to his Grandson, and hugs him.

Should make millions.