Attacks Continue in War on Animals

War correspondent Stiggy McFockle of Dirty Finger Press (writing pseudonymously to protect himself against enemy spies) has submitted a report from South of the Equator on a malicious Marlin attack. While traditional wisdom would suggest that the attack was unprovoked, the "blame-humans-first" crowd is already mounting a series of hard-hitting attacks which claim that the Marlin was, in fact, defending itself against imperialistic and carnivorous attacks instigated by humans. We report. You decide.

In other developments, Noel Huencias, an expert in the complicated field of animal interrogation, has come under fire for his controversial tactics with an enemy Akita Inu:

[Noel] Huecias smiled and seemed relaxed throughout the hearing while his family and friends waited in the audience.

According to police, Huecias pressed himself up against a chain link fence in the 1400 block of South Seventh Street at 9:15 a.m. June 9 and made sexual contact with an Akita.

He was observed coming back to the same house at 12:30 p.m. and jumping the fence. Police officers found him in the yard on his knees with his pants undone trying to get the dog to approach, prosecutors said.

Finally, in another eerily Guantanamo-like development, a farm in Washington has come under scrutiny after a true patriot made the ultimate sacrifice:

King County sheriff's detectives are investigating the owners of an Enumclaw-area farm after a Seattle man died from injuries sustained while having sex with a horse boarded on the property.

Investigators first learned of the farm after the man died at Enumclaw Community Hospital July 2. The county Medical Examiner's Office ruled that the death was accidental and the result of having sex with a horse.

[…] The farm was talked about in Internet chat rooms as a destination for people looking to have sex with livestock, [sheriff's Sgt. John Urquhart] said.

"A significant number of people, we believe, have likely visited this farm," said Urquhart.

As always, the troops are in our prayers.

UPDATE: For all those who were asking the obvious question,

...he died of acute peritonitis due to the perforation of the colon. But because Washington is one of 17 states that does not outlaw bestiality, having sex with a horse is not a crime and his death will not be investigated.

[...] when they searched the farm, police had found hundreds of hours of videotape showing men having sex with horses.

Yee haw!