Honoring the Fallen

On a recent trip to Washington D.C., I couldn't help but notice that the closed section of Pennsylvania Avenue, directly in front of the White House, provides the perfect spot for an Iraq War Memorial. Why? Well, it only gets used during inauguration parades. Plus, if the memorial were large enough, it would obstruct the view from the White House of Lafayette Park – a notorious cesspool of crime, drugs, and prostitution. No, wait. I forgot. That was the CIA in Lafayette Park. Nevermind. It's still a good spot. You may recall that the Jefferson Memorial contains a rather hefty sculpture of Thomas Jefferson staring directly at the White House from across the Potomac with the following carved in marble over his head:

I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.

It's probably best under the circumstances to keep the Iraq War Memorial on the other side of the White House, where Mr. Jefferson won't have to look at it for the rest of forever, eternal hostility notwithstanding.

All that remains is to agree upon an appropriate memorial. A few days ago, quite unexpectedly, I opened my e-mail and found some thought-provoking suggestions for an Iraq War Memorial. The suggestions were so good that I thought it would be appropriate to open up a discussion and solicit additional suggestions here at LYRC. Here are the original submissions:

(a) An equestrian statue of the Lone Ranger but, instead of Silver, he sits astride a Texas armadillo with a sandbag on its head.

(b) A giant banana set in motion like an oil derrick over a reflecting pool, at the bottom of which are inscribed the names of all of the great Americans employed at FoxNews.

(c) An enormous la pieta with Dick Cheney cradling a dead Dr. Condaleeza Rice in his lap. She's dead, but still grasps a flashlight in each hand that, at night, create two towers of light that extend heaven-ward. The crown of Cheney's head is a highly reflective silver, allowing visitors/mourners to climb a viewing platform during the day and gaze at their own reflections superimposed upon the crown of that great, great man.

Good ideas, one and all. In the spirit of participatory democracy I would like to offer a few of my own (inferior) ideas:

(d) A blatant rip-off of the Korean War Veterans Memorial, only the statues are of mercenaries and civilian contractors staring forlornly into the middle distance while treading softly on the severed limbs of Marines.

(e) A colossal George W. Bush, wrought in solid steel and anachronistically adorned in the garb of an ancient Roman gladiator, slamming an eagle-crested shield in a decapitating blow to Saddam Hussein's neck. The lifeless body of Saddam is stretched out between Bush's legs, with one arm reaching out for an enormous radioactive scimitar. (The scimitar is displayed in a separate installation in Colorado Springs).

(f) A fountain that flows with "Freedom Oil". Bronze statutes of naked Iraqi children frolic and splash in the inflammable muck. On top of the fountain is perched a gargoyle in a turban who occasionally ignites a jet of oil, sending a huge fireball skyward. A brave New York City firefighter is sacrificed annually in a ritual ceremony to extinguish the conflagration.