Is this your coat?
Saturday night, I found myself at Subterranean in Wicker Park. Not my scene, but friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend Jacob (who, as I learned, doesn't like "a little pussy," he likes "a lot of pussy") bought a round.
I walked in; I placed my coat, a black wool Kenneth Cole*, over a chair. When it came time to leave, the chair had gathered a pile of about 15 coats on it. I reached in, found black wool, checked the label and "Kenneth Cole: REACTION," put it on, and left.
Sunday morning, I woke up and went to breakfast with my girlfriend. While driving her car, I reached into the coat pocket looking for my cigarettes and found a ticketstub for Hitch, a movie I wouldn't be caught dead seeing. I then noticed several other things about this coat:
- It has buttons. My coat has a zipper.
- It has a larger collar than mine.
- It has no inside pockets. Mine has one that fits my iPod perfectly.
- It has buttons on the left. It's a woman's coat.
I called Subterranean but only got an answering machine. I did leave a message, but who knows if I'll ever get a call back. This coat I have has what appears to be a housekey in the pocket, so I'm anxious to find the owner.
If any of this is ringing a bell, please let me know.
The aforementioned Jacob also lost a brown leather coat. Crazy.
*No, I'm not some label whore. It was $80 at a Burlington Coat Factory in Virginia Beach, VA.
4 Comments:
You wouldn't be seeing anything if you were dead. Your eyes might be open, but there would be no other chemical activity that could facilitate "seeing". It would be more accurate to say that you "couldn't" be cought dead seeing Hitch, rather than you "wouldn't". Good luck with your coat. Fag.
And yet, it is precisely this contradiction that makes the "caught dead" idiom so powerful. The Hollywood vomit used to lubricate society's celebrity fellatio is so pungent and spicy that the only way I could swallow that load would be if my jaw was unhinged and my corpse oscillated over the Universalwarnerdisneysony Studios' collective phallus. If there is an afterlife, and even if I am consumed by a lake of fire, I would burn easier knowing that my carcass had not been desecrated as such.
I think you're both sissy girl-coat wearing label-bitches.
-stiggy
Oh yeah? When's the last time you had ANYTHING "girl" wrapped around you, Stig?
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