Passion Nominated For Best Makeup

The nominations are in! Like most observers of the Academy Awards, I pay attention because the Hollywood juggernaut is unstoppable in their angry and gluttonous compulsion for force their bullshit down my throat. I like movies plenty, but the self-congratulatory opulence and hyper-fetishization of celebrity that fuel these embarrassing trophy spectacles is positively overwhelming.

But we all know that. Every year I try to get myself invited to an Oscar party; place wagers on predictions, make disparaging comments about the fashion choices of millionaires, drink copiously, and hope that Elizabeth Taylor shows up in a drugged stupor to misread the teleprompter. Perhaps the real reason that people love the Academy Awards so much isn't because we're fond of the films or smitten by the stars, but because they affords us – by virtue of the sheer magnitude of their hubris – a guilt-free opportunity to mercilessly belittle them. It's okay that you raked in $20 million this year for sulking, impersonating celebrities, pretending you have a disability, or pretending to be a disabled celebrity; just make sure that you walk the red carpet from time to time so we can laugh at your outfit and mock your movie.

Or maybe it's something else that makes the Oscars such a magnet for our attention. It's not enough that a movie resonate in an artistic and fulfilling way with us. It's not enough that the makers of our entertainments achieve excellence. We need them to be winners. We need our own tastes – the reflections or our inner selves – validated in the larger culture: what I liked is better than what you liked and therefore my sense of what is right and good and meaningful is more highly developed than yours which totally means that I'm a more evolved species who is closer to God and will undoubtedly live forever as His favorite in all of creation. Something like that.

I don't know.

What I do know is that The Aviator was a boring and useless waste of time and Leonardo DiCaprio no more deserves a fucking trophy simply for doing his goddamn job than anyone else on this planet who slaves away through the tedium and drudgery of their daily occupation.

I probably won't be invited to any Oscar parties this year.