What's another word for "douchebag"?

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Here's the situation: As a school assignment, I'm working on an ad campaign for my favorite soft drink in the whole wide world, Cheerwine, which is only available in the Southeast. For the project, I'm pretending that Carolina Beverage Company has hired me to design an ad campaign to introduce the product to the Midwest. Cheerwine has been around since 1917, so I want to create a campaign that acknowledge the long history of the product while setting it in a contemporary social context.

Thus: I'm creating a campaign that juxtaposes retro imagery from the 1940s and 1950s and snide, anachronistic headlines written in a contemporary vernacular.

That's a lot of words to explain what I'm doing, so consider this. Imagine that this image is on a billboard or in a magazine ad:



The headline would be something that belies the wistful nostalgia of the photo. For example:

"Sally thinks boys who hate Cheerwine are douchebags."

See what I'm going for? That irony of this cute teenager from a "simpler time" saying "douchebag." That's funny.

Unfortunately, though I could put "douchebag" in an ad placed in the Chicago Reader, I can't put it on an interstate billboard. The only other word I could come up with that is contemporary is "retard," which I think would be worse than "douchebag."

This is where you come in. Please post in the comments contemporary insulting euphemisms that are appropriate for an interstate billboard and would be readily understood by men and women in a 25–40 age bracket.

And if you think I'm asking you to do my homework for me, you're wrong. This is my homework. You're my research.

Thanks for helping. This should be fun.