We Can Do Better

As we all know, the latest spate of campaign ads are all about animals (Bush, Kerry turn campaigning into a zoo). The GOP has "Wolves", and the DNC has "Eagle". Kerry's folks have opted to portray Bush as an ostrich. Fair enough, I suppose. But, like Kerry himself, I believe that "we can do better". Recently, my brother and his wife were kind enough to give me a copy of Thomas Eisner's For Love of Insects. On page 119 I happened across the perfect non-human representative for George W. Bush: the larval pupa of Hemisphaerota cyanea. To wit:

The larva begins feeding within minutes after it emerges from the egg. The first fecal strand makes its appearance shortly thereafter, slowly squeezed from the anal turret. Strands are then produced one after the other. Several are in place by the end of 2 hours, and after 12 hours the thatch [of long filamentous fecal strands] is nearly or entirely complete. The larva attaches each strand to a forklike projection that sticks up from the rear of its abdomen, just in front of the anal turret. When it has completed a strand, the larva rotates the anal turret upward until it contacts the fork. It then constricts the anus and pinches off the strand, a the same time that it squeezes a droplet of quick-hardening glue from the anal turret. The strand is thus cemented to the fork. While producing a strand, the larva keeps the anal turret bent to one side, causing the strand to curve around the larva on that side. Consecutive strands are produced with alternating curvatures, with the anal turret bent in alternating directions, so that as the thatch builds up it does so evenly on both sides.

Indeed. The little critter bundles itself in a continuously regenerating cocoon of it's own shit. There are pictures of it here. Furthermore:

…one predator, a carabid beetle (Calleida viridipennis), feeds on the larva by either forcing itself beneath the thatch or chewing its way into it. The attack behavior is stereotyped, suggesting that the beetle feeds on Hemisphaerota larvae as a matter of routine.

Maybe instead of using an eagle, Kerry could make a commercial where he is depicted as Calleida viridipennis, slicing diligently through Bush's ropey strands of shit to eat him alive.

But wait! There's more. Guess what the adult version of Hemisphaerota cyanea uses as it's primary means of defense? You got it. It emits an adhesive oil from it's tarsal bristles "consisting of a mixture of long-chain hydro-carbons". It glues itself to a surface. It clamps down. Hard. It has an adhesive strength of up to "3.2 grams, nearly 240 times the body mass". In such a case, perhaps Kerry could assume the role of Arilus cristatus:

They approached the beetle and straddled it, causing it to clamp down. They then proceeded to prod the beetle with their oral beak, in evident efforts to find a site for beach insertion. As soon as they pierced the beetle, the latter went limp, upon which the bug lifted the beetle up and pulled it from the substrate. With its legs gone limp the beetle seemed unable to hold on. Reduviid bugs are known to kill their prey by injection of neurotoxins, and A. cristatus is doubtless no exception.

Elegant, isn't it? Unhinge the little fucker from his vice-like grip and poison his tiny mind.