Shove That Chad Right Up Your Ass

There will be voter fraud this year. There was, after all, voter fraud last year. And the year before. And…well, there has been voter fraud every year. The ubiquity of corruption, however, is no reason not to fight it. So fight it we shall. But there is a larger picture to consider here. For example: in the current political race, the incidents of actual (and successful) voter fraud will be more than offset by the votes actually (and successfully) cast by easy-target morons who have been psychologically manipulated by actual (and successful) candidate fraud. A vapid population of dimwitted thumb-suckers will be casting their votes for Bush because of the following: (a) effectual and relevant campaign-finance law has yet to be passed, allowing deceitful campaigns to blossom like hydra-headed gorgons…mercilessly extinguishing the truth at all costs, (b) Republican strategies have successfully convinced rural America that a vote for Bush is a vote for cherubic infants with alabaster wings floating on sunbeams of laughter, while a vote for Kerry is a vote for ripping infants from their mothers' wombs and feeding them to German Shepherds, (c) some sly little fart in the days of yore convinced a small group of voters that it's a bad idea to change presidents in the middle of a war, and (d) Clear Channel and Sinclair Broadcasting, in consort with the vast right-wing conspiracy (FOX news, Weekly Standard, National Review, et al.) have engaged in a multivalent, widespread, penetrating, bunker-busting, epoch-spanning War on Truth…and it is a Fait accompli. Innocent as drooling toddlers, great legions of voters will have been victimized repeatedly by fraud long before they ever enter a voting booth or fastidiously complete an absentee ballot. And yet media, having tip-toed and pranced through minefields of fallacious propaganda for the last four years, has had an apparent attack of conscience and is therefore going cover "voter fraud" in lieu of far more pervasive "candidate fraud". Will any of this coverage make a difference? You bet. America will be able, once again, to safely (and loudly) bitch about "political corruption" without ever having to name names. The casual discourse of America will once again swirl with phrases like, "they're all crooked", "it's rigged anyway", and "you just can't trust politicians". This will be a welcome respite from the much more confrontational and muck-sweat inducing fare of late (i.e., "Bush is crooked", "Bush rigged the election", and "you just can't trust Bush"). We like to Bitch and point fingers and complain…but not if it gets too mean, too personal, to real. Alan Keyes may obliquely refer to Mary Cheney as a "selfish hedonist", but when John Kerry refers to Mary Cheney directly as "being who she is"…well, he's just a "bad man". It's never what we say that matters – it's who we say it about. So sit back and enjoy the show. Over the next two weeks we'll doubtless witness the greatest transference of political blame in our nation's history as accusations of fraud and misuse are heaped on the American people (simple-minded voters, thousands of county & city voting officials, tech firms, special interest groups, notorious 527's, etc.). Meanwhile, the ruthless man-child who spilled all the milk will smirk at us from a distance as we struggle to clean it all up.