I pooped my pants today.

I pooped my pants about 12:45 PM today.

I was sitting at my desk, eating some crappy Chinese food, and I felt the urge to fart. The neighboring cubicals were vacant, so I tightened my butt cheeks to quell the noise a bit, and out came a malodorous, viscous liquid. I ran to the bathroom, removed my pants and boxers, and scrubbed as thoroughly as I could with toilet paper dipped in freshly flushed toilet water. Only a small bit got into my actual pants, so they are safe. However, I'm currently not wearing any underwear. I peeked out of the bathroom stall to make sure I was alone, wrapped the boxers in paper towels, and tossed them into the trash can. I liked those boxers, too, but it was either throw them away or carry around poop-stained boxers all day.

True story. Honest to God.