Democrats have not been invited to speak at services for the late President Reagan. Why? Is the Reagan family being petty? Are they just trying to protect the legacy and memory of Ronnie against passive-aggressive political snipes? No. That's not it. Imagine the speech a prominent Democrat might give.

We are here to say goodbye to President Ronald Wilson Reagan, a man who... (pause) Uh... (pause) Excuse me a moment, I just need a little water. Does anyone have some water? […] Thank you. (gulp) Ahh! Now, where was I? Oh yes. We are here to say goodbye to... (pause) I'm sorry. This just isn't going to work. [leaving the podium and approaching the casket] Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is a state funeral right? I don't know about you, but a flag-draped coffin is respectful and all – but it misses the point. [yanking the flag off the casket] I mean, this could be filled with Jelly Bellies for all we know. [attempting to unhinge the top of the casket] I think we all want the same thing, but nobody wants to say it: let's get a look at the body. [armed guards intervene] Hey! I'm not trying to defile anything here... (struggle) Goddamnit...that hurts! (pant, pant) Leggo you meathead, I have a... (wheeze, cough) I have a right to see the corpse... [guards use painful techniques to administer restraint] Remember Uday? Qusay? (hack, wheeze) I just won't... (wheeze) I just won't believe he's dead until I see it with my own... (wheeze) my own... (wheeze) my own eyes... [collapses in unconscious heap].

No. That would never do. More likely than merely being restrained by guards, such a transgressor would be in serious peril of being swallowed whole by Nancy's gaping, unhinged, reptilian maw. And so we'll probably never know if Ronnie is really dead. I suppose this is appropriate. We never really knew if he had Alzheimer's disease either.

I wonder if the funeral for George H.W. Bush will be an affair for only supporters and family as well. Possibly. But get ready, because some Bush relations may provide some unexpected fireworks.

ADDENDUM: A highway toll is a tax – right?