I can feel my soul physically shifting within my body, like a warm gelatinous blob. I've always struggled between the merits of high and low culture (or perhaps Nobrow), plebian taste (the aesthetics of the "common man") vs. the rarified pleasures of the educated intellect. At one point I actually considered reading In Defense of Elitism. I passed. Now, however, I'm thoroughly convinced that our entire society is hopelessly retarded.

"Shrek 2," the return of America's favorite animated ogre, earned more money on Saturday - an estimated $44.8 million - than any movie has ever earned in a single day.

DreamWorks' animated gold mine also set a five-day box-office record of $125.3 million, just edging past the $124.1 million scored by "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King."

"Shrek 2" became the second movie in history to top $100 million on its first weekend, finishing with an estimated $104.3 million from Friday through yesterday. Only "Spider-Man," at $114.8 million, opened higher.

A good portion of these sales - no doubt - were the result of parents' efforts to stop-up the suck-holes of their crybaby children for 105 minutes. But numbers this awesome can only be achieved when adult human beings make the determination that Shrek 2 is worth attending for their own edification. Now, I know very well that there is nothing easier than launching criticisms at commercially successful 'products'. VH1 has created a whole new genre of entertainment on this principal: the Most Awesomely Bad series, wherein a cavalcade of losers derides the infinitely more successful careers of their betters. It's a sad spectacle. But sadder still is the spectacle of people watching that shit and finding it entertaining. Shrek is shit. It's a shitty, shitty, shitty franchise. It's not lowbrow. It's not "targeted for a certain demographic". It's not "family friendly". It's one thing and one thing only: SHIT. There's no clever or witty way to put it. Anyone who pays to see it is retarded. It follows that $125.3 million over 5 days is a pretty good indicator that a galactic slice of our population is retarded.