Settle in. If you're at work, head to the break room, grab a cup of coffee -- this entry's a long one, but worth it, I think.

The Illinois Institute of Art forced me to take a class called Effective Speaking. I already have a degree in theater, for crap's sake; I spent four years studying how to be in front of people and effectively speak. But, nevertheless, there I was, every Thursday night from 6 to 9:30, for the past eleven weeks. Granted, it was a fun class -- we debated politics often, the teacher was intelligent if a bit too eccentric, and I gave well received speeches on Marcel Duchamp, the importance of subscription campaigns to theater companies, and gun control.

Last night was the final exam. The previous week, he said it would be an oral final, and that's all he would say. I believe last night was one of the most memorable events in my entire academic career.

The assignment: It is the year 2024. Write a five minute speech in which you summarize your achievements of the past twenty years and describe how your successes can help make the world a better place.

Okay, that's a pretty cool assignment -- challenging, and relevant to our lives -- look forward and set goals for ourselves. However...

The teacher wrote a three-page piece of speculative fiction about what has happened in the world in the previous 20 years. The president is -- dig this -- Jorge Bushara. Somehow, he's the philosophical descendent of George Bush, but he's openly gay. War is all but eliminated, but it still looms because business has taken over the world. Dick Cheney (who is somehow still alive in 2024) runs GOOBER, an organization dropping Halliburtons in every country. The Islamic organizations have all gelled into one organization whose acronym is PIMP. The rest of the religions formed PUMP and are into peace and love. And Steve Jobs founds the Tech2ubers to promote technocracy. So President Jorge seeks to form a group called PLACEBO to bring order and unity to the world.

Yeah, three pages of that. Even George Orwell on a gin bender would have shat something better.

So the idea of the speech is that we're presenting it to the President and his panel. And everyone in class was confused. No one was able to put together anything longer than a minute-and-a-half. And no one, except for one guy who said his movies would bring unity to the world by forcing them to all think the same way (pretty funny), embraced the sci-fi aspect of the assignment.

And then there's me.

Below is my entire speech, just as I feverishly wrote it last night. The only change I made was to redact the name of my teacher; though he liked the joke, I don't think he would like it if his name showed up in a Google search in this context. Whether I'm right to be proud of this speech or not, it's not the words that I wrote or the passion with which I delivered it that I'm proud of. It that I made a group of people who I really didn't know incredibly uncomfortable.

Enjoy:

When I look at the world today, I think back to the Democratic primaries of 2004, when current Oxford Professor of Blogging Dr. Howard Dean looked out at his supporters and said, "YEEAAAHHHWWWW!" The world is confusing the best of us, the brightest and the smartest, men, women, and sentient androids alike. It's time to hearken back to a day when "uniter not a divider" was not a euphemism for anal sex, but instead was a promise to end the selfishness and extreme ideology that threatened to shred our society into tatters. Ladies, gentlemen, and robots, I am Illinois State Representative Arlo Bryan Guthrie, and I represent everything that PLACEBO is and can be.

Though I've only served as an elected official for 10 years, my political career dates back to 2002. The country was mourning 9/11, and yet the United States was embarking on the second war in Iraq, modern day Halliburtonstan. As I put my theater life behind me, I registered the domain name likeyoureallycare.com and began a simple blog where I could vent my frustration at how George Bush II was dealing with the crises of the world.

I was also embarking on a strange journey -- the pursuit of a second bachelor's degree at the Illinois Institute of Art. I graduated with a 3.9 -- it would have been a 4.0 had it not been for my speech class, taught by infamous serial killer R-- "Hatchet Job" J------.

My career as a graphic designer immediately flourished upon graduation, serving as a junior designer for McGraw-Hill, and then as a principal art director for Carlos Segura, the legendary Chicago designer. But I continued to operate likeyoureallycare.com, bringing on several contributors and eventually spinning the operation into a successful ePaper magazine.

In 2014, Steve Jobs successfully registered Apple Computer as a religion. Japan was decimated by Sony Aibos and Honda Asimos in the great Machine Uprising. And my wife gave birth to our second child. One day, I was taking a walk with my newborn daughter down my street. The stroller's wheel wedged into a crack in the sidewalk. I tripped and crushed my child. She lived, but to this day, at 10 years old, she can only walk with cybernetic legs.

I begged my Alderman to fix the sidewalk cracks, and he said there was no budget for it. I was angry. Livid. My child would never walk with her own two feet. So I ran for Alderman. I took my experience in graphic design, communicating ideas for others, and my experience editing political opinion for a successful blog and magazine, and I ran, and I won.

I cleaned the streets, I helped find the homeless homes, and I drafted the first city ordinance allowing robots to become citizens.

Two years ago. I was elected to the Illinois State Legislature. And to this day, I still design my own brochures.

Which brings me to today. PLACEBO needs someone drawn to politics with a drive to make the world better for all Earthlings. And I know just where to begin.

As Nietzsche said, "God is dead." And he is -- almost. With advanced in science, especially the rise of sentient androids, the miracles of nanotechnology, and the discovery of the creation of the universe -- man, was that crazy -- we now know that God is only a construct of our imaginations, meant to fill the voids that science couldn't fill. And yet, the religious fanaticism of ancient times still rules our lands today. GOOBER still tries to control the planet, proclaiming a divine right to do so. The neohippies of PUMP and the extremists of PIMP still attempt to hoist antiquated ideas of deity upon us. Steve Jobs' Tech2ubers are driven by reverence for the spiritual qualities of silicon and quantum mechanics. And I say they can suck it.

Every atrocious war ever fought was due to religion. The Crusades sought to wipe out Islam. The Vietnam War was meant to teach the atheistic Commies a lesson. The Gulf Wars, despite their oil commerce underpinnings, were wrapped up in Western Christian ideals of morality, sin, and hellfire.

We can learn much from the Machine Uprising of Japan -- the robots came to realize that the idea of a creator was a hindrance to self discovery and success. Still, robots, our mechanical brethren, despite being functional members of society, still cannot marry, cannot vote, cannot fly on an airplane, and are ineligible for life insurance. Does a robot not live? "I think, therefore I am"? And why do robots not receive fair treatment? Because of residual feelings of creationism left over by the Puritanical foundations of the United States of America.

I will lead PLACEBO to address the latent feelings of religion in our society, taking the knife stabbed into God's back and twisting it until he stops twitching. God is dead, or at least he will be if I have anything to do with it. The same drive that took me through school, founded my publishing company, and led me to run for office is the same drive that pushes me to kill God once and for all.

Thank you, Mr. President, for the opportunity to share this with you, and I trust you will bring me on board. Think about it, but promise me you won't pray about it.

UPDATE: That robot uprising may come sooner than later. Propz to DJ.